Musings On Marriage Counseling - And An Intimacy Averse Spouse Is BornFirst, many have commented here before, and now I see it clearly as well, that marriage counselors cannot bring back something in a marriage that was not there in the first place.
When I first started marriage counseling, I wanted to bring back some intimacy, but quickly realized that would not happen. Then I had hoped to improve communication and work together as a team. But see, here is the rub. He and I never, in our eight years of marriage, communicated together about money, division of responsibility, plans for our future, ....none of that. Early this morning he tells me we need to start talking to each other.
I told him that it is too late. I just need to get back to work full time and he needs to accept that I am the breadwinner and head of the household. Someone has to put food on the table, I told him. "But I have enough money to get us through March", he said.
Geez, is that supposed to comfort me?
Then he goes through the tirade of the past, how I spend too much on this that and the other thing. And I said, "I cannot do anything about the past. If it makes you feel better, I will leave you alone now in your office to wallow in the past as it seems to be your focus. I need to do something to get us out of this mess, as I am the only one who really can."
He knows now that I have given up. I do not want sex from him, but he bothers me for it and I cave. He talks "up" about his business and nowadays I let his babbling go in one ear and out the other. I don't want it. Everything I had hoped for in this marriage, I do not want to bother trying for it any more. And now, although I am not a refuser, I do what I can to avoid sex with him. Change clothes in the other room, make sure our daughter is around, be busy with job applications, tell him I am waiting for a headhunter phone call, whatever it takes. Maybe because in the back of my mind I know that this sudden spike in sexual interest is desperation behavior on his part.
I told him as long as the drinking is under control, I have no intention of leaving him. That I love him like family. Maybe we can be good friends. One day. That is the most I can hope for.
I feel sorry for him. He continually throws up now, and I told him he has to go to the doctor. Pretty sure he has an ulcer, like I did in 2011.