Post

Alias Dolphin Champ Is Still Better Off Despite Everything.

Two days after writing my story at the end of April about obtaining a decree nisi for my S2BX's unreasonable behaviour and buying an old trailer as a bolt hole out of reach of her tantrums, she locked me out of the house. I went to court for an order to gain access and on the day of the hearing, she dropped in a counter order calling for me to be permanently excluded based on my being a violent, foul mouthed, indolent alcoholic.

She first said that she had been to the police twice and they were writing me a warning letter under the harassment act. I went to the police and they said they weren't, didn't want to interview me and were taking no action. So I confirmed that to the court. In the meantime she has been to her doctor and has a letter saying I should not be allowed back because I had gone at her and held to her an offensive weapon and now says she had been to the police at least four times.

So everything is now clogged up in the overloaded court system and the next hearing is April time or later. Meanwhile, the S2BX sits in my home quite happily enjoying some of my pensions and with me paying the mortgage...so I'm on a really tight budget having also been locked out of my office in my home. This collapsed my business and income.

The caravan park where I am closes in January and February but the cold might get me out first and thus I become homeless.

So I know how it feel to be the wrongly accused man up against unsubstantiated and very public allegations. Cripes.

But I am writing this story because I am still better off. I write it as an encouragement to anyone stuck in a rotten relationship thinking it needs to end and worrying about taking the first step to freedom.

I have lived in a tiny roof space up a rickety loft ladder since 1997. The henpecked husband, the whipping boy for the prince codependent whilst the queen sits in her ivory tower having taken over all the rest of the house and the two first floor bedrooms maintained by the control drama of an emotional abuser; a full on passive aggressive.

It was over three years ago that I joined ILIASM and I have learnt so much about dealing with a p/a person, but most of all my whole perspective and philosophy on life has changed. I also recall learning that an emotionally abusive person is likely to become much more aggressive when confronted with his/her own control drama. The word was ballistic. That's certainly the case.

Sorry you won't find my older stories. I took them of to avoid lawyers getting hold of them.

If you are thinking of stepping away from a miserable marriage, then one of the best things I would say you might think about is that however bad your life situation is, it is not your life and it is in fact an opportunity.........

So this is my current story.

The first phew snow flakes! This is quite some way of life being trailer trash in my uninsulated caravan at this time of year. The pipes being all exposed under the van were on the point of freezing two night ago....now I'm slow dripping the taps at night time so the new water above freezing coming from below ground keeps everything clear. But a sustained three or four days below zero means that the ground and the pipes just below ground freeze as well so next week's projected cold snap could be a problem.

Still I only need to stay here for a couple of weeks and I'm out of here for 9 weeks. Yeehah.

The heating is limited to 4 kilowatts mains supply. So a three bar fire, switching on the kettle and poof. Darkness. Only done it once. With all my heating in the bedroom, I can keep that around 14 degrees C depending on the wind which just sucks the heat out. I'm definitely turning into an Eskimo. Thermals, track suit and ski hat is obligatory night gear along with two hot water bottles. LOL. I still need someone to rub noses with. Haha.

Meanwhile the temperature in the lounge/kitchen just drops with the outside temperature. Ice on the inside of the windows. Morning routine is rush to kitchen, switch on gas fire (not leaving that on overnight), make cuppa tea, refill hot water bottle, go back to bed and leave it an hour and a half when lounge warm as toast at 17 degrees. But uninsulated floor is a much lower temperature and even with three pairs of socks, the cold creeps up my legs, so I have to regularly put my feet up in front of the fire, or find the log fire in the pub nearby. What an excuse eh.

With the kitchen being colder than my little fridge, the thermostat doesn't come on and low and behold the freezer compartment defrosted two days ago. I've eaten most of it now. When I dropped the fridge setting to maximum output (colder), the milk froze. Hahaha. It's fun here.......

Still I shall be in London soon, back for a New Year party if I can fix it, then off to the Med. Four weeks all inclusive for £900 ($1400) is cheaper than living here. Haven't sorted the last three weeks of February yet...... Well if I'm homeless, I might as well go somewhere hot. Every situation is an opportunity........

I came across an expression that depression is caused by having to "be strong" for too long. With a different philosophy, there is no need to "be strong".

However rough your life situation is, you only have to live your life to find happiness..... from the Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle.

I hope you see what I mean.

Growing Older Disgracefully.....
Nestpa Nestpa 66-70, M 10 Responses Dec 5, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

I want to tell you that you have some very loyal friends here and well you should. You are an inspiration and my heart goes out to you and all you have been through and currently experience. Many of us have had similar and speaking for myself I am almost ashamed that I have complained. Still, I know...no, I expect, that you will triumph as you are a survivor and a humble one at that. Let me join the others sending you warm hugs.

Describing myself as trailer trash isn't quite what you may think it is. I come from very humble beginnings in a posh UK town but born on the wrong side of the railway line (not wrong side of the bed, silly). I cherish this start and the real people I grew up with and the spit and real sawdust on the floor of the pub where I shared my first pint with my dad. I rose to the top of my profession and rubbed shoulders with and made millionaires and a few billionaires. These people cannot get down to my level to share some time with the ordinary (real) man and woman. They bandage themselves up in their little comfy worlds and do not live really live.
Give me real people every time.
I spent five days once in the presidential suite of Europe most expensive hotel (for free thank goodness) and watched people drip money, hire jets to move 'cos the weather at the other end of the Med wasn't up to scratch. It was obscene. I don't want to be part of that.
I guess I'm looking down at these people looking down at me. I don't care but I suppose I'll stop using the expression. It's a leveler in a way..... like I might say to a client "I'm an expert....... an ex is a has been and a spurt is a drip under pressure......."

I'm not miserable. Far from it. I'm slightly scared about going off on my European trips whilst the trailer park is closed. But heyho, it's just another first step. I'm treading my own path.

You will never be trailer trash. You will never be friendless and you will always have the total self respect that only going through this will bring. How about that house in L.A.? Being on the homeless side myself, I can understand what living without a real place to land can be like. We only have to do one day at a time. That is what I say because of you! Who knows what might come along. Another thing is that your office is in your old home, so it seems to me that the court could and should grant you access to it. Perhaps the woman of the house should find new quarters to live in. You are a homeless senior and it seems to me that you should qualify for a whole lot of government help or do they only help immigrants who muck things up.

You're my hero - but you know that!! xxxx

Nestpa you are a strong bloke and good for you. If only more people had your attitude in life. This short term misery will pass once your divorce is final but at least you have ensured that you are not suffering long term misery by staying with your evil ex.

I wish you all the best.

Stay Strong & good Luck

I admire you,
Good luck and God Bless you.

Wow, what a fantastic attitude! Fraid I can't report it's warm in London, but I suspect you'll bring your own warmth with you.

I'm admiring the way you've kept rage and frothing at the mouth at bay in the face of her despicable behavior - one of the things I'd fear most as a guy is the impact of false accusations that are treated seriously by the law, and with virtually no sanctions for lying. Victim mentality and pre-judging of men as violent & intrinsically guilty. And doubly despicable because it detracts from the pursuit of the genuinely abusive.

Despite your current misfortunes, your sense of humor is a blast! you cracked me up. YOU have a warm Christmas and a Happy New Year! Good luck!

Despite the references to the cold in your post, I found it very heart warming. Here's to your new life! Be well.

You must have been an already pretty resilient dude (a trait shared bt most refused spouses) but no doubt the years of exposure to her bullshit honed your resiliance to even greater levels.
In some ways she did you a favour - in "training" you to cope with your current trials better than you otherwise might have done.

Thing is, there will be an end to your present uncomfortable situation. In a dysfunctional marriage the uncomfortable situation never abates, there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

I found this story quite uplifting, not the least of reasons being that the dysfunctional marriage, and present circumstances, have completely failed to damage your sense of humour.

Have a blast in the Med Brother N.

Tread your own path.

Hi Baz,

People pleasers like myself learnt to be that pattern at a very early age and it's our control drama, the way we cope with our world. We then keep coming up against the same problem time and time again but each time getting into worse and worse situations. We trust others so much that our selfless/selfish balance is completely out of kilter on the selfless side. We just get taken for a ride until the one day the situation (suffering) is so great, we have to wake up.

Codependents respond to counselling or in my case counselling/advice from EP friends very well and easily because we have always taken too much responsibility for things going wrong in our world. It is easy for us to accept that we need to change. The narcissistic emotional abuser is never wrong, cannot take responsibility for his/her actions and doesn't respond at all to counselling (99.9% of cases).

When I came out of college donkeys years ago, my first job involved me living in tin huts in the African bush. I've always done things that others wouldn't tackle. They are life enriching adventures. That could be said to have been uncomfortable too. I'd do it again. Yes perhaps the S2BX has done me a favour. I never wanted to do the pipe and slippers bit anyway.

Perhaps I'll make a fortune writing the book. LOL.

I think you probably realise that I am or have become a rather philosophical spiritual type. The Buddhist word enlightenment to mean the end of suffering doesn't really have an English translation. Suffering can more closely translated as having a wobbly wheel, a wheel out of kilter. All we have to do is to get rid of the wobble.

An example is the prisoner perhaps wrongly convicted who has two choices. He can rail against his imprisonment and he and only he will be desperately unhappy or find himself suffering...or he can accept and fully accept his (life) situation, live his life and find happiness. Both suffering and happiness come from within.

And once you or I can get really deeply into this, the we can come from the place where love, joy and light have no opposites and the word forgiveness has no meaning. So when I look at my S2BX, I just see a very unhappy person desperately trying to maintain her own control (freaky) drama. Unable to get me to play along, she has desperately involved family, friends, the police, her doctor and the courts all meant to keep me in my place. It's an annoyance, a waste of time and money but that is all. I'm not playing ball: not responding. Ultimately she will become the lonely old lady recounting tales of her evil husband who deserted her when people no longer wish to hear the tale.

I just feel sad for her. But there is nothing I can do about that. I am and will always be the cause of all her problems even if I am not there. I move on.

Narcissists live their life situation and even though she has control of all the material things we and I have worked for, in her ivory tower, she can never be happy; content with her life (situation).

I'll blast the Med. You never know, that item on my bucket list to join the egg club might get realised........ In the life of every egg, it gets laid.

And another item on my list is I have to go to Waltonland to see Vegas.....and get away from our gnat's pea beer and Brillo pad snacks. Haha Vegas, that still makes me smile my friend.

DC, you have always inspired me and never more so than now. I too am outraged that your wife (a) has the audacity tolie about you as she does and (b) gets a fair hearing from authorities without their investigating the situation.

I LOVE your approach to life and it is inspirational for us all. I'm hoping you meet a warm, wonderful, sexy, intimaxcy loving, mentally sound and gorgeous millionairess on your holiday!!! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs to you too, Enna}}}}}}}}. That must be your unattached sister you are describing? I'll be right over....... Tee hee