Bottom Line: Down To 2 Options. Piece Of A Smaller Pie Vs % Of A Bigger Pie..

My husband offered me two contracts:

Contract 1: Divorce. I get 65% of income for next 10years, plus DD's financial needs till graduate school all that, and additional $x amount from the business.

If I took this option and moved out right away as a divorcee I will have to first get settled, deal with the heartache the social,personal,financial consequences, family drama, starting new all by myself. Plus while dealing with all this I wont get time to find new love or sex anyway, until I am settled which could take atleast a yr or two. I may not be ready to deal with the whole slew of divorce repercussions just yet.

 Contract 2: Stay All along: I get to have sex with whoever I want, He will try to fix himself And I get to head one of the bigger business owned by family and investors, get a Percent of the much bigger pie,.
If I took this option, I get to head this company, get to fulfill all my Big dreams, chance of a lifetime deal, and wont be second fiddle. Fast Forward 15years. I have the hilife and all that comes with the territory. But I am still a sad soul on the inside, unless I take a lover who is trustworthy enough not to sabotage my entire career with scandal!

So I think I am settling for a third option:
Option 3:  Work on getting my own business to a certain level, still get to play major part in the big business, make connections, be strong first.
Stay as long as I am ready, as long as I am settled, worked out the social, personal,financial consequences, find the man I am looking for, meanwhile gives me the time, work on becoming my whole person, and then slowly move on when I am ready. Gives me the buffer I need. So financially I will get both. Emotionally I will be settled and not wasting time. It gives him enough time to fix himself.
I may even get a few scraps of crappy sex if I helped him with the therapy and all that!

Mentally I am already planning my independant life of my own. I dont want to analyse the past anymore. Just think of the present and the future..

For the Record: I asked my husband for option 1. My husband then suggested the option 2, because he absolutely does not want me to exercise option 1. If thats too much for me then he suggested I try option 3 because that gives us time to work this out as well and he wants to see me in a spot where I want to be.

uma1980 uma1980
31-35, F
18 Responses Dec 5, 2012

And I really need to find a way for him not to keep the love of my life (the business) hostage and use it to keep me in a sexless unfulfilling marriage..
Without what I do, my business, my work, my dreams, I am really nothing, and my life would be meaningless and purposeless. Because thats all I have to call my own, thats all I have to take my pains away, thats all I have to comfort me and make me feel more alive and not feel so dead inside...

Okay this is what I am going to do:

1) research the whole divorce thing, all aspects of it, so it takes the anxiety and fear out of the situation if it were to occur.

2) Work out a just in case contract with a lawyer and DH, since our relationship is in the high risk of a divorce.

3) Push the FIX IT agenda, support group, female sex therapist, couples therapist, doctors visits all that while maintaining a certain level of artificial pressure, just to make him realize its urgency.

4)Keep my own support channels open and work on myself become the person I want to be, being strong and staying strong throughout the process so whichever route life takes, it can be something I can deal with effectively for my daughters' wellbeing, my own wellbeing, and my husband's wellbeing..

Thanks to each one of you to take the time to weigh in on my stories. It is opening my eyes and pushing me forward. I am in the process of getting divorce advice. Will write more later after I know all the legal aspects..

Careful with #2 - Jurisdiction dependent, he could be preparing a case of "she cheated, so she gets less" if you select to "have sex with whomever you want". Depends on if there's fault or no-fault divorces or if infidelity plays a role in determining settlements in your jurisdiction.

It could be a trap. I would take #1 and high-tail it out of there, personally.

I wouldnt go for option 2. But what happens if I have a legal contract that has a "in case of a divorce" scenario as well as "as the marriage is ongoing" scenario with him that says that during the marriage if I had an affair it would have no bearing on the payout whatsoever because we are in a sexless marriage? Since he has expressed said it many times just to get me off his back, why not just put it in writing..?

If I do it within a time frame say a week, than I dont think he would have enough time to change his mind..

He already has wrote and signed a piece of paper that says so, i just need a well formed paper by a lawyer and make it into a legal document and make sure all the clauses and situations are addressed...

Actually you may be right, maybe the whole question of a legitimate infidelity should be off the table entirely. For the record, I have not succumbed to that for the last 10 years, nor do I intend to while I am still married, so you are right, why put it on there if I dont have any inclination to do so...

1 More Response

Hang in there my friend! We can talk more soon... OK?

Each option has its price. Candidly, regardless of how close you believe you and your spouse are, the fact that he did not support your choice and instead countered shows that he knows your weaknesses and is willing to use them to his advantage. He got you to reconsider. He threw money and influence at you - option 2 - it shows he thinks he knows what motivates you and what your swaying price may be. Option 3, well, it is a modification of option 2.

If you exercise option 1 you break free entirely in one swift move. With options 2 and 3 he gambles on a delaying game in the hopes that your desire for comfort and influence eventually makes leaving less attractive for you. The carrots even include the possibility of him working on himself to rediscover his desire for you. Ask yourself this - if he really could do that, why would he bait you with all the other trappings?

You contend that you and he are brutally honest but I challenge that. There are layers of game playing going on here. The same old excuses spoken to stonewall intimacy are now written on paper and sweetened with wealth and influence. Nothing has really changed.

Wow, you are so right, its the same stuff over and over again,except that the stakes are higher and more dramatic each time..
I am working on the option 1 with delay so I am more prepared for the after effects of that.. thanks a million for making me see the "pattern", that kept me hooked all these years...That perspective is going to help me, in changing that vicious circle.. thanks a million!

And yes, the business is my weakness, because thats all I have to call my own. Without it my life would be completely meaningless and purposeless, not to mention loveless as well..
If thats all I have and somebody tells me how I am going to lose that and how I can have a more meaningful life by pursuing that, they are really talking about the love of my life and saying this " would you give up on the love of your life just for sex, and not even for sex because u can still get it while staying married" (love of my life being the business).. So in a way challenging my love for what I business...

Take note of Esjay and get a real good lawyer.

Dollars to doughnuts that if you proceed with ANY plan that involves you leaving, he will empty the gun at you.

Tread your own path.

Thanks a lot. Yes. I have full 4 weeks, and I am in overdrive, going to get the lawyer and make a contract. I am thinking something to the effect of "in case we were to divorce" contract as well as "While we are still married" contract.

To think about it, if I have all kinds of money the only person I would want to really share it with is my husband because of the tremendous affection we share, even though our relationship is stressed because of lack of passion and sex...

The reason I am still here and not done with is that we do still love each other and have lots of affection for each other. without him in my life money would seem meaningless..but without the passion and sex the love seems meaningless too..

Maybe I should have a lawyer make a real contract agreement for me Now, that says in th event of a divorce this is what DH will give me.period. what do youll think?


Yes!! I am going to take that advice right away.

Thanks for all your harsh but true realistic comments here. so basically if I leave without any contract now ,then its like leaving money on the table. Okay I need to think about that. Maybe its time,gosh thats scary!!

really this may sound like its all about the money, yes security is always a big concern so I put it out there. But I am scared of the big bad world. I really need to tell my ownself that this is it! I am frozen because of the kindness of my husband.. And i know that no one in my family is going to support me, I am going to feel like my family and community pelting stones on me if I do this folks! We are a part of a closed community thats very tight with each other, so something like this is going to make me the social outcast!!

<p>Uma, you cannot have your cake and eat it. There is no such thing as a free lunch.<br />
You have the following indisputable advantages:<br />
1) a husband who is willing to ensure you and your daughter are well cared for financially<br />
2) a husband who is NOT throwing every possible difficulty in your way<br />
3) a LARGE financial settlement<br />
4) skills and abilities which allow you to start over and reach success in your OWN right, if you choose</p><p>You would be wise to recognise that you are in a FANTASTIC position compared with 99% of others on this board. </p><p>You say: "What I am looking for is for Love, Intimacy all that. And I want to make sure if I were to hook up with someone else that relationship would be a lasting one." That is understandable, BUT it is asking to have your cake and eat it too. NO-ONE can expect to move out of a marriage and into a "perfect" set-up, as you are seeking to do. It takes time, effort, self knowledge, pain and sheer struggle to reach a position where you can confidently hope to forge a better relationship.</p><p>If you leave for six-eight months with the agreement not finalised, you are effectively leaving BOTH of you swinging on a rope. . . Are you married? Are you separated? Neither of you is sure. Also, your husband may live to regret his current generosity. If you return to your marriage in the latter part of next year and decide you really DO want that separation, his terms may be vastly different from what is currently on offer.</p><p>Of course none of it is easy. And none of it comes without a price. Only you can decide if that price is worth paying, whichever choice you make. But I strongly encourage you to recognise and appreciate that you position is FAR better than almost anyone else's and that is your GOOD fortune. Don't hang out for "better" . . . that will almost certainly NOT happen.</p>

Yes you maybe right. Ithink maybe I talk to a lawyer now and get a draft ready and get him to sign it for me. That in the event of a divorce which may or may not be just yet, this is what I will get.

Thanks a lot enna for that detailed analysis and making me open my eyes to the truth, I am feeling much better with my position right now ,and I am going to take legal steps to ensure that the promised insurance occurs..

I am getting some funny responses out of this one, but seriously guys I am scared..I am not ready to jump yet.. maybe thats why I want to take a little time..I need to think this through very well, before I end up doing something crazy. I know my family will never support me over this, I will get a lot of flak, I will lose a lot of relationships that we have build over the years as a couple. Life out there is cold ,I need to think of every bit before I can jump, and it doesnt help that my husband is also my best friend, thats the catch!..

Over the years I have come to realize that money does not buy happiness. Therefore just the money is not enough to make me pull the trigger. What I am looking for is for Love, Intimacy all that. And I want to make sure if I were to hook up with someone else that relationship would be a lasting one. And thats why I am fearful of jumping the cliff..

"Life out there" is not "cold", it's life.

You have so much going for you! Taking a lover is not easy. You have to have steel in your veins. The men selection is tough. Most are not going to want a long term situation... They will come and go like water. Is this going to affect your heart ? Your mind? Yes it will.. There are no easy answers you will find your own solution.. It sounds like your business deal is just coming to fruition and that you can become financially more stable. That is a tangible option. So much for you to consider.. Take it easy.. The answers will show up..

Thanks for making me "see" that, Gibby and thetree..

Thanks a lot Angelina, you are so right,
Taking a lover is not easy. You have to have steel in your veins. The men selection is tough. Most are not going to want a long term situation... They will come and go like water. Is this going to affect your heart ? Your mind? Yes it will.. Just makes complete sense in my mind, and distinguishes from reality vs theory.. I really do appreciate that!


It sounds like your business deal is just coming to fruition and that you can become financially more stable. That is a tangible option. So much for you to consider.. Take it easy..
Thanks a understanding that too, I may have to wait a little bit before I make my jump, since the deals are coming to fruition they may positively affect all of us before we move on...

3 More Responses

I am going to be gone overseas for 6 to 8months within 4 weeks anyway. So therefore I chose no 3 because the 6 to 8 months away would anyway give me my freedom minus the negative stress..So at this point being seperated would probably have the same pros of moving on without the cons of dealing with a full blown divorce just yet.

<p>Whatever I choose I know I am going to have to work on it. Cant afford to be emotional anymore. Just need to get up and go after the life I want!!</p>


Holy Crap! I'd take the money and run. It's enough, and more than 99,8% of the people reading this would ever see.

I think your spreadsheet exercise misses all the extra creativity and energy you will have once you have lost the emotional ball and chain which is daily reminder of what didn't go so well in your life.

Do it on your own, do it your way. You don't need their umbrella to shelter you.

Hmn, I never thought about it like that.. maybe I should think about it on those terms..

I think I agree with option 1 as well. Outside of the marriage is your goal money or the joy of operating your own business? If it is the latter, the freeing of your mind from a burden would seem to be imperative. From a business sense, mitigate your risk and liability...

Thanks for that perspective, I never really saw myself being ready for the change or to be on my own would be a new overwhelming experience. and so I came up with no 3 because in 4 weeks I am going to be gone overseas for the next 6 to 8months, which gives me that My times whether I am still married or divorced.