"reset" - Temporarily... And Now More Confused Than Ever

So the sequence of events is as follows:
1. I realised that years of begging for it and being thrown occasional scraps had left me bitter and resentful and devoid of confidence and questioning my own worth to the world. Regardless I was powerless to do anything about it and continued my 'enabling' behaviour.

2. Miss24 and I unexpectedly hooked up out of the blue and ran full-steam ahead into the hottest most eager and incredible sexual relationship I've ever had

3. After a particularly humiliating attempt to revive the home bedroom life - I realised that I couldnt do the 'begging for scraps' routine at home any more - so stopped, curious and slightly fearful to see what the impact would be.


4. Mrs Incogneto reacted - "Why wont you touch me any more?", "Whats happened?" - which turned into a brief and unproductive argument followed by 2 days of ignoring the topic....

5. Mrs Incogneto and I finaly get a chance to have a calm rational conversation where I dont mention Miss24 - but do talk about feeling rejected and unwanted and needed to be WANTED instead of humiliating begging. The response was a rather disconcerting, "So thats ALL this is about? Sex?!". She did joke that perhaps I should run off with some young 18yr old and suggested I should go run off with Miss24! (She's never met her - but when Miss24 and I worked together Mrs Incogneto was never terribly trusting of our professional relationship [which at that time was PURELY professional!]). There was a moment where things were calm enough for us to suggest trying to 'reconnect' - problems were acknowledged and promises made on both sides to try and make an effort. This conversation was followed by 'adaquate' sex - but normal standards it would have been a result of an evening, but my standards since getting involved with Miss24 have been raised to a worryingly high level.... Nobody can compete with that can they?

6. A few days pass - and the reset has clearly run its course. Behaviour is back to normal, all those promises of little things to improve our relationship intimacy have fallen away again and we are back to ignoring the elephant in the room...Can we fix this? I now feel like I'm just as much of a 'refuser' as Mrs Incongeto. We've just become mutually non-dependent sexually and I am powerless to reverse that trend.

Now I find myself on occassions, sitting staring at my house looking at all the crappy things that annoy me and thinking, "Might not be your problem for much longer..." and then seeing the things I like and thinking, "I'm really gonna miss that". Hugs with my dog have taken even greater significance and I keep wondering what life would be like if I were elsewhere and how the logistics of kids would pan out.

I've researched heavily the amount of child support I would likely have to pay in the event of a split, I've considered the division of assets that would be likely to occur and have Miss24 not just willing but keen to take me in and 'see if it works'. FInancially the results may not be as crippling as I thought and in some scenarios I could end up perversly better off?!. I am increasingly tempted....

Was getting involved with Miss24 a mistake? Probably. It feels like killer blow has been landed to my marriage even before we acknowledged there was a problem and started to deal with it. At the same time I feel 'alive' for the first time in a long time and I'm excited about some of the possibilities the future could hold.

In the metaphor of my mind I feel stuck in the middle of two cliffs:
On one side is the conventional domestic family - my kids, a loving wife, a nice comfortable house and the recognition of being a part of a large community. Its not a dead dream yet - but I dont know how to get that back on firm ground.

On the other side of the spectrum is Miss24, a seemingly carefree existence a more exciting and affectionate life with build on a solid mutual desire with the potential for all kinds of adventure. Again this is a long way from being realised and for sure there'd be hurdles in the road ahead.
Incogneto Incogneto
36-40, M
4 Responses Dec 5, 2012

<p>I was wondering whether your confusion was associated with having a somewhat wonky fr<x>ame here - you are comparing your current cosy life (sans sex) with an passionate but unknown lover.</p><p>What Miss24 has done - apart from the obvious - is give you the priceless gift of clarity and understanding of the situation.</p><p>So what I'm wondering is, whether you can put some other options in the fr<x>ame which are actually closer to what you want: - which sounds like your current home life but with a sex-person. You know you will not get this with your W, so perhaps that is part of the confusion.</p><p>As far as Miss24 is concerned, I'd decouple that from your vision of what you actually want - maybe she will be part of that, maybe she won't. Practically, I'd get out into my own place and get my head un-fvcked before making any calls there. You can use visitation as an excuse for doing that if you need to.</p>

Best part about this story is the shift in your thinking about what you could "never" do, and other absolute statements your earlier stories contained.

Shows you have been challenging your thinking and gathering information so you can make INFORMED choices.

That, is all to the good.

Tread your own path.

I would love to have someone to have to turn to- even if it is wrong or short lived. Someone just to scratch the itch- to get my self-esteem and trust issues on the road to being resolved. I want to have something to focus on besides my pain and the rejection i get everyday.

I understand looking around your house and missing things- although my husband is definitely not one of those.

Personally, I like f#cking, intimacy, affection - so I'd choose that, but maybe that's just me...

No ur not the only one so smile:-)