When Did This All Happen??

I read a lot. Not for fun unfortunately, but to try and figure it all out (won't repeat the familiar situation at home that everyone else is expiriencing in this forum).

Sometimes there are lines that really strike home. A day or two I ran into one that seemed to nail it on the head.

"Can you remember what is was like before your self-worth was tied, and entirely determined by your partner?"

Hell yes I can. God, I used to be so confident. So strong. I gave love just as openly and genuinely as I TRY to give now to my wife, only if I was NEVER effected by other's opinions of me. I knew who I was, I knew my strenghts.... I was happy.

So, to the subject of this post.... when in the hell did this happen??? When did I become so god-awful dependant? Why did I grant this person so much infinate power over my own preception of my value?

...and here's the catch-22 of the whole thing. Wouldn't you be turned off by some sappy, simpering, nagging jerk who insisted constantly that they need love, they need affection, blah blah blah.. God, that's how I see myself sometimes. She doesn't show it, I feel like crap and try harder to get it, which makes me look even sappier and weaker, which certainly isn't an attractive quality, which makes it harder for her to genuinely show she's attracted... what a vicious circle.

I keep thinking if I knew how, when and why the hell I let this happen, it would give me a clue on how to break out of this disgusting, layered, laquered smothering sense of no self-worth without a pat on the head from her.... you know?
RandDannesk RandDannesk
46-50, M
4 Responses Dec 5, 2012

I've been on two dates. The second was with someone who seemed really nice and fun. The problem was, I kept apologizing for everything. I can see how unattractive that is too. I'm just so used to explaining all my actions and apologizing for them!

I've got to learn to shut up and just enjoy. After so many years...

Zsu - I've noticed this too, and recently!

I find myself appologizing (and sounding entirely too whimpy because of it) for things I would have been bold enough to throw out there when I was younger. You really do develop such an terrible habit of walking on glass all the time.

You do NOT need to know "when and why this happened" to claw your way out.

Indeed the endless pursuit of the "why" is one of the very things that is inhibiting you clawing your way out. It is consuming your time and resources for no useful purpose. Such resources, if applied to clawing yourself out, would have you out by now.

However, your story reads to me like you are going to persist in "why" chasing. After another couple of years of this, you will have learned the names of all sorts of mental conditions. You will have enough lay knowledge to maybe even have a stab at what causes her intimacy averse behaviour. But she will still be intimacy averse. You will eventually conclude that you cannot fix HER "why", and that her intimacy averse behaviour is there for good. And, you'll have to scrub her then.

Conversely, you could recognise her intimacy averse behaviour as a show stopper here and now. And scrub her now.

Depends on whether you have another couple of years to **** about with. Your demographic of 45-50 indicates that the years are running out quick enough, without unecessarily ******* a couple of them up against the wall.

Tread your own path.

Bazzar - got it. Without sounding hollow (cause I know I've said this before to myself) - I think this is actually 'it' for me. I'm going to start moving on mentally. If she doesn't follow (or at least take a few steps back toward the middle), then so be it.

As harsh as this sounds the more you try the more you will be rejected. Brother Ragnardann66 i would suggest that you start living your own life make plans to go out with friends, and dont include her.

If in a position to buy yourself new clothes, shoes, have a nice haircut whatever do it. You will feel so much better about yourself.

Start looking out for number 1 and try to detach. Believe me you will start to feel like somebody again and as you start to detach and live your own life things will get easier.

You will also be giving her a clear message that you will be just fine without her.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Thanks - that's basically the plan - but I have to remember I'm building it for myself. The second I slip (cause I'll want to) into doing it as a backlash, I've lost. Have to keep my head in the right direction with this.

"Start looking out for number 1 and try to detach."

I love that line. I've been feeling like that for a number of years now. I've just never vocalized it as such. I'm going to memorize this line for future use.

I like it - thanks.

A true dilemma, we grant them such power that their refusal of us prompts in us (leading us to feel so rejected and worthless) but this power that we give makes us so less desirable.

Agree.... I even **** ME off with some of my reactions. I had just about had it when I wrote the story above... a little more grounded now.

Do we have to be hard-assess all the time?? Not sure I could do that with someone I'm with.