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He Went To Work The Day My Dad Passed

We had a 3-year old and 7-month old. My Dad had been found unconscious in his apartment and my siblings & I were left with the burden of executing his living will 2 weeks later. We took him off life support and he passed 2 days later. My brother called early in the morning to let me know and my husband said oh no, I'm sorry.....but I'm going to work since I'll need to take a day off for the funeral. I took the baby and preschooler with me to make my father's burial arrangements. WTF?

Stormie01 Stormie01 46-50, F 12 Responses Dec 5, 2012

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The word wrong does not even come close to covering how bad this is! Sorry!!

Just wrong. What is with some of these guys. Must have a very important job.

My husband went to work the day after OUR baby passed away in the hospital at 10 days old!! A schizoid will never change for the better , it only gets worse. I was out of work for 3 full months! I sat there holding her till she stopped breathing and just he sat next to me! Like I tell everyone else that asks - RUN! Don't wast any more of your precious life on someone who will never ever treat you the way you deserve and want.

That really sucks. What a ****.

I am assuming that this little anecdote is but one of many you could quote to demonstrate the fact that he is a dickhead.

You've convinced me. He is a dickhead.

Now what ??

Tread your own path.

That is just so wrong! As frustrated as I get with my H, he would never do that. My dad was very ill, and we almost lost him back in Oct. My H took a day off and drove me 3 hours to visit because he didn't want me driving upset.

Because he loves you and that is what one does...

Yea, he has human decency, but you see what group we're in.LOL

Yes...unfortunately for all of us! So you are part of this group too...I am so very very sorry. I wish you weren't.

It's WTF! not "WTF?"

You may use this to guide your actions in future, to remove the scales.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Jerk.

I have to say in the jerk catalog, my husband was actually a real gent when my grandfather died. He was supportive. He helped me with the eulogy (listening to it several times through - actually providing constructive criticism - helpful but encouraging.) He even initiated sex with me the day we arrived back to the US. I was shocked, but grateful. Gah, what a clue - even then that I was surprised by him being pretty much spot on in being the supportive spouse.

Yeah some people are just clueless! Sorry for that.

I am so sorry for your loss. I am right there with you as I recently lost my mother. These are the most difficult days of our lives and yet spouses that we thought would be with us through thick and thin aren't. I feel the pain in your writing. May you find the strength to get through this.

I am so very sorry. I so understand. My husband (who didn't used to be this way, did he??) recently sent me a text as I sat in the hospital room of my dying SIL, and said "Hows it goin?"...how the hell do you think it is going? She is dying...wtf! After she died, and mind you, she had been married to my brother since I was 8 yrs old, I didn't even get a hug from him.
I so understand your pain. I am so very sorry.

So uncaring. I'm sorry for your loss and your pain.

I thank you..

Real Narissist. You would do best to rethink your future with him after you have finalised all your fathers's arrangements.

Sorry for your loss

Stay Strong & Good Luck

My kids are 11 & 8 now - I've tried individual therapy, marriage therapy - nothing works. If it weren't for the kids I'd go. I can do this for 10 more years... I hope.

Have you had legal advice and found out how going now would affect you and the kids.

10 years is a long time to wait and the kids wont necessarily thank you for it if they can see they have 2 parents that dont get along.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Waiting for the kids to grow up has been an endless discussion on this forum. I am in the camp that it's actually better that they don't grow up with one completely disfunctional narcissistic parent and one stressed-out parent. One normal, functioning parent would be much, much better, but that's my take on it.

It's a complex issue. We also have a special needs child who he does fairly well with. My son has serious anxiety issues and busting up his family and home would scar him forever. His psychologist as well as my own have strongly advised against it. So I'm having an affair instead 😞

zsuzsilowinger: The problem I have is that it's very likely that my daughter will be growing up with one dysfunctional parent - and there's not much I can do.

all I can suggest: document her erratic/off behaviours, get the opinion of a child psychologist/other doctors, get lawyer's advice... if you can get her declared unfit...

And there's the rub, my ex is not erratic, not off, not bad, just a bit passionless, unempathetic and controlling. So it's an emotional cold grey soup. Certainly nothing to seriously worry about, in nearly every other way she's a great parent, but potentially emotionally stunting, setting my daughter off to follow the same path. But I doubt I can offer anything better, merely different.

Well I've gotten plenty of psych advice on my situation: my therapist, our therapist, my son's special needs therapist and the physiologist my daughter consulted with last summer due to increased anxiety they flagged her for in school. All of these excellent practitioners are licensed psychologists. The basic takeaways relative to our marriage were:

1. Fix it
2. Fake it till you make it
3. If you absolutely cannot act like adults with each other and stop fighting in front of the children, consider separating.

Mentally, I am stuck on step two. We are still seeing a marriage therapist, but my husband's level of denial and narcissism does not provide much hope for progress there.

I hate to even admit this, but the one thing that has helped me fake it the very best was to find an emotionally honest man to have a relationship with. To call this an affair implies strong sexual connotations and the relationship is by far more emotional than it is physical. In fact until recently he lived on the West Coast and I lived on the East Coast. Getting my emotional needs met better and meeting someone else's emotional needs has helped me be much less angry with my husband and see that he simply not capable.

Considering there is an affair going on (which i'm not judging you on) I would still strongly suggest that you seek Legal Advice.

I understand your reluctance to braek up the family due to complex issues however if your husband ever found out about the affair his reaction is likely to be Volcanic and the choice not to seperate may be taken out of your hands.

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