Morning Hicup

Dreaming last night:

I'm walking in a crowd of people at a university, talking on a cell phone, trying to get ahold of someone for help registering for classes. I'm in the music practice hall. Someone answers the phone, and asks me what my major is. All I can think about is that it is not music anymore, I can't remember what my major is...next I'm walking down the road with friends I grew up with, all female. The road is made of rubber, my friends are oooing and ahhing over my being close with someone at a party. The road ends by my friend's house, and it is really nice, I'm thinking "wow, how did she afford all that as a flute player?"...

All just regular but vivid dreams. Then comes the next one...

I'm in some run down but cute apartment with my ex. She is sleeping in one room, I am in the other getting some things together, I am going to leave her this morning. I accidentally wake her up, and I'm thinking 'oh god, here we go.' She gets up and we are arguing. I'm thinking 'I can't wait to get away from this.' Then it starts raining...there are holes in the roof, and water is coming through. We are scrambling to get buckets, and laughing. Then I look at her, and she is happy, beautiful, my age, and unscarred by cancer, and the wife I remember falling in love with. I look at her, and think, 'no no no no no, I can't go through this again, I can't go through this again!"

And I wake up.

Can't stop crying. I'm not myself, not thinking, and find myself angry at god again, like I was when she first got sick and then she changed so much and became so mean and self-centered. My brain totally disengages, and there is nothing but raw emotion, through the sobs I'm fussing out loud to god, "why, why did you do that to her? Why do you do it? That was my WIFE who I LOVED. That was my wife, who I loved..."

Finally the sobbing recedes, and am getting myself together...for a moment...then tears again, then not, then tears. Still not thinking, still in a totally emotive state with intentional control of my thoughts, just raw, naked me, I feel a steely resolve and start blurting to god, "I ******* hate you, I hate you, I hate you!"

Then I get myself under control, think "where did this all come from?" I decide to write. As I write I'm struck by a few things:
- Day before Yesterday and the morning after was one long sex marathon. Lover girl (fortunately not present when this all happened) made some moves that really hit some circuits in my brain that reminded me of my ex.
- Last two weeks have been uber stressful.
- If I ever have kids, they will never set foot in a christian church. Training your kids to think god rewards the good and punishes the bad WILL **** them up if anything really bad (and outside of their control) happens to them.
- I don't think I can let go of the love I have for my ex. I just can't live in that world. I loved her far too much for that feeling to go away. I will just have to put it in a small part of my heart rather than try (as I have) to stomp it out.


FilteringMachine FilteringMachine
31-35, M
9 Responses Dec 6, 2012

Living with a sick spouse is different! My opinion: I think the guilt is compounded and the regret of what could have and should have been is enhanced. I wonder if those of us that have been through it really ever let go. We always hear that God does not give us more than we can handle but then you wonder why others do not have the trials. It is living in hell, when you feel others are more deserving than you and you always look for the reasons why. I could ramble for hours on the unfairness....... But please, take care and seek out more great sex in the meantime!

You know, I don't feel guilty for leaving at all. I know what you mean. When people say, god never gives you more than you can handle - then I know that person has never had to handle much. I don't feel regret, I don't feel I did anything wrong...all I feel is a pain for what happened. In my weaker moments I blame god, doctors, the sky, fate, whatever.

You're having a delayed surfacing of grief.
It's ok. You're ok.
Just feel the feeling fully, it passes.
...I figured out how to play off crying jags at work. Tell 'em it's allergies and honk your nose into a tissue REALLY loudly. Works every time.

...I hadn't realized your wife went through nearly dying. I nearly asphyxiated from asthma in 02'ish-in part because I could not afford the good meds at that time.
...I sadly argued a LOT with my ex about money, at least in part, because I saw her spendthriftiness and irresponsibility as a threat to my life.
Which was...stupidity.
I now am going to the county poorfolks clinic system, and ought to have way before...at one point more than half my pay from my full-time job went to pay for meds.

Did your wife ever get therapy to process all the psychological leftovers? I'm guessing no.

I was going to comment something rude and mean, but I'll just say that I'll pray for you.

I support you in being with your pain. One day you will be free of the pain also, but first the painstaking process of going through it...the gift is in the process, not in being free.

Your anger, frustration and your pain are your friend right now, they hold the key for you to be different, to come to a place of peacefulness with yourself.

Based on the vivid dreams you describe, I'm betting there is something great for you on this path...just keep walking.

Yeah, I've was in a peaceful place for several months. This path I'm on is a good one, and I'm happy for it. I guess that is why I called this a hicup. Interesting that the path was made of rubber. I don't generally make much of the symbology of dreams, but I like your idea.

<p>It's stories like these that leave me confused. Many success storeis here and newly happy people and many angry, sad or lonely ones too. I don't know which I would be.<br />
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Holes in the roof of your apartment sounds like a metaphor. You ran around trying to fill buckets and got distracted by her beauty and the laughter.<br />
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Your dream sounds like you were focused on what was real - the argument, the leaving, the not wanting to be there, the being fed up and then you got distracted by something that really didn't change anything for you at all... Leaks in the roof of an apartment and relationship you were leaving behind.</p>
I don't understand why you are angry with God. God made her change? Do you not believe she changed herself?

No - God didn't make her change, cancer and chemotherapy made her change. I just blamed god for the cancer. Not a terribly intelligent thing to do, but that was my gut talking...not my brain.

Usually we don the rose coloured glasses to delude ourselves that our dysfunctional marriages are ok bar the sex.

You seem to have it arse about. Putting on the rose coloured glasses to look backwards.

Take them off. Throw the ******* away. They did you no good back in the day, they are doing you no good now, and they will do you no good in the future.

Tread your own path.

I don't see it that way. I see it more like I'm remembering and valuing the times that were good, instead of trying to view everything in the marriage as bad.

I don't think it is possible to erase the memory of historical emotions. How could you rewrite your history? There will never be a time when you did not love your ex at the time you loved her...Ok, that sounded convoluted. Think of it like the line from Casablanca: "...We'll always have Paris..." I used to think this idea was the stupidest philosophy *ever.* Then I moved away from a friend I cared about very much. He reminded me that there will never be a time when we did not have our many conversations. I drew much solid support from this idea. Those conversations sustain me still.

What I *do* think possible is to eventually move beyond the emotional reaction to the memory. You love the person your wife was when you met. Will there ever be a time when the memory of that time, in and of itself, isolated, without placement into the context of anything else that happened in the relationship, cease to be wonderful?

As for Gd, my opinion is that Gd is plenty strong enough to endure a rough patch in your relationship with the divine. To speak to Gd with hate says that you are in fact in a relationship with Gd. Otherwise, why would you even bother addressing the divine?

But this is all just my opinion.

Yes, your idea is what I am doing - instead of trying to paint all history black, I'm using a narrow brush instead of a broad one.

You are missing the most important point - your subconscious is telling you that you have to sit with your pain - (again I am repeating myself), No soul deep healing can begin until you actually engage with yourself Filter. Even your subconscious knows this. Its not God you are angry at, its yourself. Push your darkness away to your own detriment. No-one has said one needs to let go of the love. Its the pain and anger which you need to release. You blamed her for becoming mean spirited. Now you blame God. You keep finding someone to blame. That is the recurring theme.

Very astute comment. FM, consider carefully . . . this is true. {{{hugs}}}

Sitting with pain... That is a true challenge.. I know I cannot out think this pain that I need to feel it.. That actions not analyzing is key..it is so difficult for me..

This is a 90 minute film that puts God on trial.<br />
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Excellent acting and extraordinary arguments.<br />
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Copy and paste:<br />
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-oNYd23pQk&feature=related