When The Noise Dies Down

I have come back to ILIASM at key junctures in my life over the last couple years. I originally was hurt and angry by abuse and rejection I experienced which included sexual neglect. In response, I dwelled in hurt and had infidelities. I eventually made it clear that the relationship would have to change for me to remain. She did in fact change, and has become a much kinder and loving person to me. We also have sex between once a week and once every other week. She is also present and participates, instead of the passive-aggressive lifelessness she previously exhibited. I find myself loving my wife as much as I ever have, and having an appreciation for her that has long been dormant. YET, I am so overcome with sadness, I am sick.

At the end of the day, despite her genuine efforts to change, and the much improved nature of the relationship, I still am unhappy. Once pealing away the anger, resentment, and maltreatment and replacing it with kindness and consideration, what is left is really not much other than two caring people sharing the same space. I am internally driven by my beliefs, ideals, and sense of purpose. My wife is externally driven by the children's performance in school, how she looks, who likes her,and the impressions and possessions of others.

In the process of seeking sex, I discovered sex. As I got sex, I wanted sex differently expressed. I always thought sex play and sex positions were absurd. It was about getting sex. I love to be naked and vulnerable, connected to music or light or taste. I love to share the organic space together. Sex to her is about having an ****** and moving on to life's responsibilities. She likes the same things all the time because they most quickly get her to ******. She is mostly bored with sex. I imagine each time we make love to be an slightly better experience built on what was learned and expressed the last time we made love. I want a soulmate and she wants a companion.

We have two boys, early-teen boys, a nice home, and a lifestyle that is undistinguished. I love her, enjoy her love, but feel the remaining years will be squandered if nothing changes. Am I neurotic and idealistic or is life really supposed to be better.
chroniccalm chroniccalm
46-50, M
2 Responses Dec 6, 2012

CC, only you get to make that decision. But it helps to be self aware - and you are certainly on that path. Self awareness can be painful - uncomfortable at best! But it DOES help you in knowing what you need for YOURSELF.

Time now, IMO, to put CC at the centre of your decision making. It certainly won't be easy if you choose to leave, but neither should it be torturous. And it COULD open up a wonderful new life for you . . . .

But you could decide that the pain of leaving is too high a price to pay for an uncertainty (because our futures ARE uncertain) and therefore stay. It is not an intolerable sitation - it is just one where you feel your life is being squandered. . . . .

Only you can decide. {{{hugs}}}

Looks like you and brother GT are in similar positions - at the realisation that the dysfunctionality was NOT 'all about the sex'.

It's a sobering realisation.

Tread your own path.