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Wow-the Sequel

I made an upsetting discovery tonight. I no longer know how to flirt with my husband. I tried to talk to him this afternoon when I got home...I told him I had a nice dream about him, but when he asked "Why, what was I doing?" I felt so stupid. I just said, "It was just nice." I feel so awkward around him now, like the gawky girl who's crushing on the cute boy who doesn't know she's alive. Quite a comedown from the days when he was stalking me all over campus...
PersephoneP PersephoneP 41-45, F 7 Responses Dec 6, 2012

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you just need practice....tell him what took place in your dream...tease him a little...it wil all come back to you

thats not good.....have you sit down and talk to him and let him explain himself? Take a vcation together.....

We haven't had a vacation together since 2005. I've been begging for one. Always the same...not enough time, not enough money...blah blah blah.

well....that is well over due.....

I am also in that totally awkward state. You are not alone! I am past the stage where I would even want to flirt with him now anyway. Why bother?

I don't think I know how to kiss my husband anymore except for a peck.

You have to rediscover and reinvent your perception of your SELF. Your still the one he was chasing but of course naturally the dynamics change in any relationship as we grow and age its to be expected and looked forward too. Its not something to lose self esteem over.

Find a nice slutty, erotic book, take turns reading a chapter each. It is a great way to Re-educate. Watching **** together may have the opposite effect, something about your partner reading about thrusting, throbbing, dripping... out loud, it has an amazing effect.

It has worked well, even when the book is cheezy, we can laugh about the cheezy bits. We have both tried watching p-o-r-n together, but it is nearly impossible to find something that both of us would agree is a turn on, and so quickly those movies can turn sour by being too rough, or whatever.
Challenge is finding the right book, we find erotica collections with short stories are best so if you hit a bad one it is easy to skip, and also provides a varied experience. There are some nice collections written from womens point of view too, and to be honest they are much hotter that I (a guy) expected.

Checkout "The Slow Hand" and "The Erotic Edge" books.

I have done the lighting candles thing - Sometimes it works, but usually what happens is ONE of the f- ing candles gets a little too long and starts flickering and smoking like it wants to catch the house on fire. Threats of our families imminent destruction in a towering inferno tend to kill the mood (seriously, candles have wrecked a few good nights).

Date nights are awesome, totally agree on that.

I'm getting a subtext off this (and your other stories) that his behaviours have you at a point where he does not have a great deal - if any - credibility with you.

Under thjose circumstances it is a far more likely scenario that you "don't want to flirt with him" rather than "not knowing how to flirt with him".

Just a heads up (which you are likely to find unbelievable). Oftentimes, when sex finally comes back on the agenda in a dysfunctional marriage, you (the refused) find that it is YOU who no longer wants it. Weird, after all that time of thinking 'if only there was sex'.
It is a very confusing time when this happens. Be aware that it may well come up for you.

Tread your own path.

I can see that. I mean, if it were just about getting sex, I could be getting a lot more if I were willing to constantly be the initiator. If I snuggle up to him and stroke his skin, kiss his ear, he's toast pretty quickly. But I don't feel like it. I am so upset and confused inside that I'm just not able to do it. At this point, if he suddenly came on real strong I don't know how I would feel. The other night he asked me to kiss him...REALLY kiss him...and had the audacity to complain that I don't do that anymore. He never kisses me!!! But when I said so, he dismissed it and said it was me. Then a day or so ago he notice I had new underwear that had a little black lace trim and he made a big deal out of it. I probably could have turned that into something, but I shrugged it off. What the hell.

It is not unusual for this to happen sister P.

At some level, the refusers behaviour sort of 'educates' us into viewing them as irrelevant to our sexual persona. When this 'education' process is complete, the refuser is often 'surprised' at the damage their behaviour has wrought, and you genuinely DO regard them as irrelevant to your sexual persona.

Of course an expert refuser uses this change in the dynamic to re-write the history, and place the blame of the lack of sexual expression in the marriage on YOU.

@bazzar "rewrite the history" --- that's my wife. But then, by the time a male turns counter-refuser, chances are, such small injustice troubles them not half a ****.
@exe -- "without any real thought" --- you might be surprised if you could get inside their (bigger) head.

yep my refuser even on his hospital bed, nearly dieing from a heart attack, tried to rewrite history.. telling me, im the one who is scared of the word "love" not him.

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