Standing Up Vs. Distracting And Concealing

I have made an observation that when we stand up for who we are, our marriage ends or we end up getting what we want out of our marriage. What I always hear is that standing up gave me a better life. What I have never heard is "I regret standing up for myself." The way I have shown up for my relationship did not start in the marriage, but goes far back to the beginning when I was emotionally abused, and never had the right grades, the clean enough room, smart enough friends, or worthwhile interests. As a kid I was taken to symphony subscriptions, foreign adult films, and exposed to conflict between my parents. The theme was that my discomfort did not matter. I was not able to say I am uncomfortable and do not like this. Instead, Rather, I was reminded that I was not good enough. I learned to just submit, finding things to distract me, and pursuing my own needs in secret.

Fast forward, my sexually is dismissed. I am told I am obsessed. I am not touched with openness and vulnerability. Sex is just sex as it happens on her schedule. It is about accomplishing the organism, not the connection with someone I feel comfortable enough with to explore my sexuality, vulnerability, and passionate desire. If I wanted to talk about our sex life, it would transgress to me being ungrateful for what I had, my sexual obsession, her right to her own body, and me not respecting her lack of sexuality. She says she loves me, and that I threaten her into trying to be something she is not.

It hurts, and instead of standing up for myself, I have resorted to the same coping mechanisms I resorted to as a child. I distract and conceal myself. I have my affairs and I pursue a variety of interests and hobbies alone.

This is no longer OK. I stand up and say I want to be accepted, embraced, and sexually connected to. Instead of finding other outlets to get my needs satisfied, I am Authentic, and I show up as who I am. If that person can not be taken with full openness and vulnerability, I then depart, and open my heart knowing someone out there wants me for who I am.
chroniccalm chroniccalm
46-50, M
5 Responses Dec 7, 2012

I have made an observation that when we stand up for who we are, our marriage ends or we end up getting what we want out of our marriage. What I always hear is that standing up gave me a better life. What I have never heard is "I regret standing up for myself."

Just so true, that transformation to finally stand up for ourselves, just changes our lives so much for the better.. I am experiencing that right now too...

Personal growth, based on informed choice, does tend to have the collateral benefit / damage of involving people in your life who enhance it, and removing from your life people who don't.

Tread your own path.

Congratulations!!!!
Yes, by all means, live your life with authenticity! Stand up for your needs...it's not going to please her, but you will most certainly be happier with yourself.
Good luck :-D

CC, self growth is hard and painful and SO worthwhile! You are recognising the pitfalls that your life has ctreated - not things you were "at fault" over, but attitudes and behaviours that were instilled in you by the abusive environment in which you grew up.

These attitudes and behaviours served to protect you as a child, so they became deeply ingrained. But in your adult life, they are only serve to keep you enslaved in yet another abusive relationship.

Recognising this and acting upon it is HUGE! And you WILL find that being your authentic self is a genuinely wonderful thing. Hard to do, because it involves a lot of "unlearning" and being mindful about your actions and reactions, but very worthwhile nevertheless.

It is wonderful to hear you reclaiming your own life and knowing that this way lies happiness!! {{{hugs}}}

"I was emotionally abused, and never had the right grades, the clean enough room, smart enough friends, or worthwhile interests. As a kid I was taken to symphony subscriptions, foreign adult films, and exposed to conflict between my parents. "

Hey, me too, exactly this! YOu must be my little brother.