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Sexless Forever?

I suppose it is my fault that I live this way. I always have the talk... I'm sure most of you know... the "There needs to be more passion, sex, etc" talk, with my partner. I get the "I agree" blah blah blah. Now I am four years in, with only a sad handful of sexual experiences, and I feel there is no way out. Part of my brain contemplates cheating... because before this relationship I had a very healthy sexual appetite. I was almost addicted, but I had more self control than an addict. Then I met my partner and at first the sex was very hot, and then it slowed to a halt... quickly. Now I am lucky if we have sex once a month. And if I never complained, we would probably stop having sex altogether. I am so upset, because nothing ever gets resolved. We have been having this issue for 3.5 of our 4 years together... but I feel I can't leave because I am married to my soulmate. We are best friends and so in love... but I feel there must be something wrong with me. What other reason would there be for my lover to have no interest in me? I'm just fearful this will never change, and I feel so pathetic.
lmt7190 lmt7190 22-25, F 15 Responses Dec 7, 2012

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lmt7190, i completely agree with you. i am a guy, in a similar situation to yours. i dont get a few things from my wife, including sex. but i get a ton of others. no marriage is a 100% win win bargain. and dont just walk out that you will eventually end up in a perfect relationship. you will move from a sexless forum to another... just ask yourself - does he care about u? if he cares about u, he will fix the sex. you sometimes have to coach the partner. e.g. when i travel, i sometimes forget to call my wife early in the morning. and this was a big issues to her. she felt that if i cant even wish her good morning, i dont care about her. and i was always too busy (really), missing breakfast, running to meetings. we talked abou it a few times but the importance dawned on me only when we had a crying, emotionally charged situation. it was never that i did not care about her - now ive just made this habit - which makes her feel cared.
sex is way bigger than a mere good morning, but once a caring partner realizes, he or she will make an effort. if he still doesnt, he doesnt care. and then you walk out. a year or 2 here and there wont change your life. if you have a good guy, worth sticking around, rather than going back to hunting.
my wife and my appetite has always been a mismatch, and sometimes she suggests to me to satisfy myself outside (more out of care). ive never done that and never will. and she appreciates that. 2 kids killed whatever was remaining, but as they are growing up, she is becoming more game, and sometimes initiates it.
lastly, why do you think that if he doesnt initiate, that means that you are not desirable? which soap/friend/tabloid did you read this equation? if in general you dont feel desirable, thats another thing. like when my wife and i go for a walk, she holds my hand. in a movie she hungs me. do you have any such signs? if all are missing, then you need to talk. otherwise, its just sex (important, but doesnt mean you are love less). and whats wrong initiating? why say it in words, use actions instead... so that its not a chore. e.g. what does he do when you act suggestive, e.g. in lingerie etc? Did he answer why he never initiates? maybe he is an idiot, but not a jerk! maybe he thinks that you anyway do. or maybe he is scared of initiating for whatever reason? does he satisfy you?
i'll just say - dont kill your marriage, coz your partner took a while to figure out a good morning, or initiaing sex (orders of magnitude different, but still smaller than love). love makes people happier than sex, and can fix things easily. its better to be with someone who keeps you happy but is bad in bed, rather than being with a stud in bed who may not be able to keep you happy...
apologies for the longish reply.. but there are not many replies here who encourage a "make" rather than a "break"

I don't think it's you at all, it's him.....have you thought that he might possibly be cheating? because 4 years into your marriage you should still be having sex just about anywhere around the house. With all due respect you should have a heart to heart with him and explain to him that you need to feel wanted, tell him what you need. Forget about the cheating part, it will only complicate things. If you guys are truly soul mates give yourselves the opportunity to work through this...........Good Luck

I am sure he isn't cheating. I explored that possibility awhile ago, but we work together and are never separated. We literally don't spend even 1 hour apart per day. This is not by my choice, he is very attached and I know that may be weird but he doesn't like me to be away from him at any time.

Sounds to me that he is a control freak! A dog in the manger, too. He doesn't want to f*** you but is making darn sure no one else gets the chance, either... Just sayin'

Leave while you can and it is early in your relationship. Think how you will feel 35 years in with kids and grandkids and whole "fake" life together.

There's nothing wrong with YOU, there's something wrong with HIM. No.Doubt.At.All.

The reasons don't really matter for you, he may be asexual (probably not because you said it was hot to start with) or there may be another issue.

You said you had The Talk. There is only one way of going forward there: set a deadline. Stick to it. If no improvement is forthcoming then you owe it to yourself to make the deadline stick. Do you really want to martyr yourself? Because that's what'll happen if you do not observe the deadline for yourself.

Thank you. I feel that you're right. I just need to figure what the deadline is.

Don't know how to say.. Let's start not blame yourself as it is ALL your problem. Nobody can make themselves as their own sex partner; sex needs two to make it. My partner is my best friend as well, but my best can't be my sex partner. Take care and one day you will work this out and get out of this when you feel enough. It took me 20 years to understand this and hope you take shorter than me. Talk to people about this.

Thank you very much for your comment. I hope this can turn around, but it is true that I should not waste more time. If it was me, I would want one last chance, knowing how serious my partner was, and if he can't do it then I know what I have to do. Luckily, all other areas of this relationship are great and fulfilling. But I can't say that I haven't detached a bit from him after all of this. I guess it is up to him to change now, or forever live with the consequences.

I too have this dilemma, I am seriously thinking about finding another. Life is way to short to be left longing and lonely.
Being a male in a sexless marriage I can not say I know what you are feeling...but I have a very good idea. Thanks for your candor

It is all very new to me that so many people have this issue! It is so difficult to know which is the proper path. To say "for better or for worse" is something I truly meant. And I will still hold to that as long as my partner does... and once I know he isn't, then I will leave.

Ahh, you want him to make the choice. Guess what? Not choosing is also a choice. We do't get a pass on choice and each choice has its measure of pain and its consequences. Just imagine - two people locked in a marriage because they are playing chicken - you can wait out a decade or more doing this and the person whom it really affects is the refused because the refuser is already in the marriage he or she wants - one without sexual intimacy. Tell me - which spouse is better placed to wait this out?

DO NOT GET PREGNANT and RUN!

I know what TheFullMoon has said here might seem a little blunt. But this is the truth truth of the sum of all the advice you're getting here.

1. Absolutely definitely in these circumstances, don't get pregnant.

2. By all means try counseling, or whatever, but give that or anything else a very strict time limit in your mind. Don't let yourself shift the time limit, and if nothing has improved in that time, move to part 2 of TheFullMoon's advice and RUN!

Yes, don't get pregnant!! So right!

I will definitely not be getting pregnant. I am not sure I want kids ever, let alone now. I am already worried about who would get our dogs lol I can't imagine what having a child now would be like. I'm happy with my dogs. Also, I hadn't though of the time limit. Thank you for that because it is a great idea. Which begs the question, what is an appropriate time limit?

I would try for another 6 months, just to see how it goes. Maybe to see a counsellor together and my partner did, but he has never talked about the real problem between him and me though. I would like to go, but he did not want me to be there with him. thus, i know I have tried my best in the last 6 months.

I think that's a good timeline. However, I dont know about counseling. Sometimes that seems to distract from the issue at hand...

My wife and I had some counseling, though not ostensibly about the sexlessness of our marriage, as we have plenty of other issues. Although, on the face of it the process was a complete failure - we gave up after 3 sessions - I think that strangely it did help to focus our minds on some of the causal problems with our relationship. Also, now we're further down the line, I think I can be fairly confident that the topic of trying counseling is not going to pop its head up and add to all the other delays to our divorce.

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Imagine how pathetic you will feel in 20 years if you are still stuck in this "relationship"! It hurts and it never stops hurting. Find someone that wants you.

You are fearful. You feel pathetic. You think you are addicted, because having sex 1pm ain't satisfying.

Here's some good news:- things can change. They started - if you will let it - by the little big step of posting; then more, by reading more here. Then by getting clarity, deciding what you really want, and having the will to act.

You have the added "advantage" that your marriage isn't all that old, and you don't mention kids. It's a wonderful chance, if you don't already have kids - DO NOT DO NOT - not with this disaster going on.

I am definitely now having children at this point. I have too many things that are more important to me in my life. I do not have the patience or dedication required to raise a child... I was not planning on kids until much later in life. I don't need another ball and chain haha!

Haha wow! What a difference one letter can make. NOT having kids. I am typing this on my phone, sorry for the mix up.

Soulmate / Refuser.

The use of these two words together is absolute bullshit.

On the evidence you present, he is a refuser. Ergo, he is NOT your "soulmate". You've been watching too much daytime tv, picked up "soulmate" "he completes me" and other such phrases trotted out by be-sotted celebrities and bought in to the whole bullshit.

Your soulmate does NOT refuse to engage in intimate expression with you.

Tread your own path.

But that's the thing, he doesn't refuse. It just seems he has absolutely no sex drive. If I requested sex, it would happen. I don't even have to be mad about it, I just ask. My issue is I don't feel desired. And due to pride, I hardly request sex.

Well I see that as this thread has developed, his status has gone from "soulmate" to "ball and chain", someone who is on his "last chance", someone who you are prepared to "leave".

This seems to fit the situation far more accurately.

Soulmates don't necessarily have to have sex. It sounds like he is your soulmate in all areas except sex. That's ok. I would talk to him and ask him if he would be receptive to you getting your sex elsewhere. It would relieve him of having to perform sexually with you. I have heard of couples renewing their sexuality when one partner is allowed to have sex outside the marriage. It excites the partner to hear of their spouse's sexual escapades to the point where he experiences a heightened level of arousal. Some men enjoy watching their spouse having sex with someone else, especially another female. After watching, I can guarentee that he would be hornier than ever before and ready to give you the hot sex you desire.

Well, LN, it seems you have NO idea about the dynamics od Sexless Marriage. A spouse who routinely allows his/her partner to undergo the suffering of feeling rejected, being unwanted and not having their needs met, is a spouse without empathy or compassion. Does that SOUND like a "soul mate" to you???

" After watching, I can guarentee that he would be hornier than ever before and ready to give you the hot sex you desire." Or he will call his wife disgusting ***** and have real excuse not to have sex with her again....

I don't think I could do that to him. It would kill him to know I was giving my body to another... I would leave him instead. But thank you for your suggestion.

I would write a long response challenging the loving nature of your so-called soul mate but instead I'll refer you to a post I wrote titled "A Simple Thought". There are many thoughtful comments there which may give you a different perspective. Take care.

Thank you for your post. I read your entry and it did think me think.

Wow. My story sounded so much like yours and I was scared and confused about what to do and where to go. Well, 1 year and 8 months ago - I got out. I won't bother you with the details - if you are interested, you can find my post and read it. My point?

Your life is YOURS. You make the decisions and you are the person who is most in control of your future. Staying with someone with whom there is no intimacy or sex is not the way to be - UNLESS, that is what you want. However, you probably wouldn't be here if it was what you want. Things are scary, I will not lie. I had been with me ex for 11 years. There are still things today that I miss about the relationship, but not him. If you are contemplating cheating, I am sorry to say - it is over. Just end it. Begin your life anew.

There is someone (or many someones) out there who can meet more of your needs or at least those needs you need met at that time. :) Be strong and believe in yourself.

LMT...I understand the "soulmate" and bestfriends feeling, as well as the devastation of starting a marriage out nearly sexless.

I married at 17 yrs of age and within 3 weeks of our wedding the sex dried up. I became pregnant during the only time in 6 months we had sex and 30 years later...its ONLY NOW CHANGED because I requested to OUTSOURCE my needs or an OPEN MARRIAGE.

While I am thankful my H heard me and has changed...my advice to you is GET OUT before kids and before you are sitting here 30 years later, more broken, devastated , and mentally and emotionally abused than you could ever have expected. The rejection is nearly surmountable the longer you stay in it.

I am an optimist..no doubt..it is what kept me hoping for 30 years..and as much as I love my H and he is my bestfriend...I SHOULD HAVE GOT OUT 30 years ago..He could have still been my friend...while I MOVED ON to a soulmate who could be a lover and carer of my heart, and soul.

No... but its still on the table if this TURN AROUND doesnt work. So far we are going on 3 weeks of increased intimacy...and when I SAY INCREASED..I MEAN i have had more SEX in the last 3 weeks than I have had in the last 2 or 3 years! ...I know I know...not that long for a solid turnaround ..but...still its 3 weeks longer than he has ever done before. Hopeful

If it doesnt work out I will look you up Sammy lol..You are from my old stompin grounds..well not that far! lol... about 30 miles east of hometown!

JUST KIDDING...maybe not ;) hahahhaa

No explaining...In 30 years I have never cheated on my husband although he had 2 affairs on me early on and I forgave him. Im sure there are alot of issues I would deal with..and maybe I would and maybe I wouldnt...but what happens to my mental, emotional and spiritual life is between God and me :)

I AM! LSU AND SAINTS FAN TO!

I TOTALLY AGREE...H has made a huge effort and I LOVE him with all my heart.

I feel, in all other areas of the relationship, completely satisfied. When we met, sparks flew. I knew it the first time we laid eyes on each other that this person would be important to me... our emotional relationship is extremely healthy. And if I asked to have sex, we would... but I don't like asking. It makes me feel unwanted to say to my significant other, "Can we have sex?"

I'm so happy things have turned around for you LynnLee! Sometimes guys have to be hit up side the head to see what's really happening to them. Sounds like your request to "outsource" was a large enough hammer. Sure hope it continues!

Thanks 10! :) I pray it continues as well. We will see. I keep asking him "why now? what did i say that made the difference" He dont know...UGH..Not going to look back..FORWARD ON! :)

What made the difference was he never expected you to ask to outsource, he figured you'd continue suffering in silence and everything would be ok. Looking forward is best!

I haven't tried that. We had a long talk last night and I feel like I did get through to him. He was so upset that I asked about an open marriage, he vomitted and sobbed for quite a long time...

Well Imt, maybe the seriousness of his neglect finally hit him (sometimes us guys have to be jolted & your request may have done just that). I would say his response is a good first start to repairing your marriage. Good luck to ya! I hope it works and that y'all are happy again real soon, acting like unsupervised newly weds! HD

Thank you, I hope it works. I will be sure to write again if it does/does not work.

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