Sexless Forever?

I am sure he isn't cheating. I explored that possibility awhile ago, but we work together and are never separated. We literally don't spend even 1 hour apart per day. This is not by my choice, he is very attached and I know that may be weird but he doesn't like me to be away from him at any time.

Sounds to me that he is a control freak! A dog in the manger, too. He doesn't want to f*** you but is making darn sure no one else gets the chance, either... Just sayin'

Thank you. I feel that you're right. I just need to figure what the deadline is.

Thank you very much for your comment. I hope this can turn around, but it is true that I should not waste more time. If it was me, I would want one last chance, knowing how serious my partner was, and if he can't do it then I know what I have to do. Luckily, all other areas of this relationship are great and fulfilling. But I can't say that I haven't detached a bit from him after all of this. I guess it is up to him to change now, or forever live with the consequences.

It is all very new to me that so many people have this issue! It is so difficult to know which is the proper path. To say "for better or for worse" is something I truly meant. And I will still hold to that as long as my partner does... and once I know he isn't, then I will leave.

Ahh, you want him to make the choice. Guess what? Not choosing is also a choice. We do't get a pass on choice and each choice has its measure of pain and its consequences. Just imagine - two people locked in a marriage because they are playing chicken - you can wait out a decade or more doing this and the person whom it really affects is the refused because the refuser is already in the marriage he or she wants - one without sexual intimacy. Tell me - which spouse is better placed to wait this out?

Esjey, yes, it doesn't mean that you should be okay with your spouse calling you a ***** and throwing up in bed because he's drunk.

I know what TheFullMoon has said here might seem a little blunt. But this is the truth truth of the sum of all the advice you're getting here.

1. Absolutely definitely in these circumstances, don't get pregnant.

2. By all means try counseling, or whatever, but give that or anything else a very strict time limit in your mind. Don't let yourself shift the time limit, and if nothing has improved in that time, move to part 2 of TheFullMoon's advice and RUN!

Yes, don't get pregnant!! So right!

I will definitely not be getting pregnant. I am not sure I want kids ever, let alone now. I am already worried about who would get our dogs lol I can't imagine what having a child now would be like. I'm happy with my dogs. Also, I hadn't though of the time limit. Thank you for that because it is a great idea. Which begs the question, what is an appropriate time limit?

I would try for another 6 months, just to see how it goes. Maybe to see a counsellor together and my partner did, but he has never talked about the real problem between him and me though. I would like to go, but he did not want me to be there with him. thus, i know I have tried my best in the last 6 months.

I think that's a good timeline. However, I dont know about counseling. Sometimes that seems to distract from the issue at hand...

My wife and I had some counseling, though not ostensibly about the sexlessness of our marriage, as we have plenty of other issues. Although, on the face of it the process was a complete failure - we gave up after 3 sessions - I think that strangely it did help to focus our minds on some of the causal problems with our relationship. Also, now we're further down the line, I think I can be fairly confident that the topic of trying counseling is not going to pop its head up and add to all the other delays to our divorce.

I'm so sorry that your H does that. Mine is actually very wonderful, other than the sex. And if I said, "Lets go have sex" we would... but having to ask just seems not right to me. I dont feel wanted always being the one to initiate it. I told him about all of this, just last night. I am holding out for a change, and I can truly say it is his last shot. I think he truly fears losing me

I am definitely now having children at this point. I have too many things that are more important to me in my life. I do not have the patience or dedication required to raise a child... I was not planning on kids until much later in life. I don't need another ball and chain haha!

Haha wow! What a difference one letter can make. NOT having kids. I am typing this on my phone, sorry for the mix up.

But that's the thing, he doesn't refuse. It just seems he has absolutely no sex drive. If I requested sex, it would happen. I don't even have to be mad about it, I just ask. My issue is I don't feel desired. And due to pride, I hardly request sex.

Well I see that as this thread has developed, his status has gone from "soulmate" to "ball and chain", someone who is on his "last chance", someone who you are prepared to "leave".

This seems to fit the situation far more accurately.

Well, LN, it seems you have NO idea about the dynamics od Sexless Marriage. A spouse who routinely allows his/her partner to undergo the suffering of feeling rejected, being unwanted and not having their needs met, is a spouse without empathy or compassion. Does that SOUND like a "soul mate" to you???

" After watching, I can guarentee that he would be hornier than ever before and ready to give you the hot sex you desire." Or he will call his wife disgusting ***** and have real excuse not to have sex with her again....

I don't think I could do that to him. It would kill him to know I was giving my body to another... I would leave him instead. But thank you for your suggestion.

Thank you for your post. I read your entry and it did think me think.

Thank you for debunking this persistent myth that a refuser sex dud is your best friend. With friends like that who needs enemies?

Thank you for your post. I sat down and hashed this all out with my H last night. I am hoping things will change. Sometimes I feel like this is a stupid thing to feel so upset about. Like I should be more evolved as a human than to allow physical things to control me. And that's where I feel angry with my H is that I now feel like the one with the problem. I fear the damage may have already been done, because increasingly over the past year I have begun to feel bad after sex. Like I did something wrong. Its not a complete withholding of sex - because if I ask for it, then it will happen. But I guess I'm just tired of having to ask to be desired.

1. This will never change.
2. Sex is not something you evolve beyond the need for.
3. Physical things are as good as intangible things.
4. #3 is irrelevant because sex is more than a physical thing.

"I should be more evolved as a human than to allow physical things to control me" - no, no, no. We are physical beings. Our intellectual, emotional and spiritual lives are tied inextricably to the physical. Food can taste divine. A work of art can bring you to tears. Sex can be joyful and emotionally bonding. All of these bring together the body and the soul.

We were created for intimacy and sex! You will not evolve out of needing these things. What did your hubby say? What was his response? It is telling how he has reacted to you as to what path you should take.

Elkclan - nicely put: all these bring together the body and soul.

And without this union, in reality, there is no true marriage.

Thank you for asking. We had a very long talk last night. I brought the issue up before bed, and neighed of us could sleep. At about 4 am I was laying in bed and suddenly he wrapped his arms around me. He didn't know I was awake and he started to cry. I asked why, and he said because I have been hurting you and I cannot lose you. So we proceeded to talk again, I held nothing back. I let everything out, including the thoughts some of these comments have provoked. He told me that it is not me, that he truly does not have a sex drive. He doesn't think about sex. He said he truly enjoys sex when it happens, which I know is true... but that he just doesn't think of it and he says it has nothing to do with me. There were many tears shed on both parts. I told him that if he was just my best friend, which is my fear, that we need to end this now because it is unfair for me to stay and continue to fool myself. He said that isn't the case and that he is so fearful that i will leave that he is going to fix this, for good. I told him it is his last chance, and that while I'm not, he SHOULD consider me gone. That is the point I am at...

How did he say he is going to fix this?

Elmira, your question sparked a discussion over here. I read it and thought stupid for not specifically asking that question. So I did. And long story short, it led to him telling me the reason he doesn't initiate sex is that he feels to me its just another chore. It does make sense. At the beginning of our relationship I was out going and fun loving. I was care free and very easy going. Over the years I have been building our business and devoting 12-16 hours everyday to work. I have lost the person I once was, and he didn't have to tell me this for me to know it. I have known this and it hurts me to feel I've lost myself. I didn't realize it was affecting him too.

"it led to him telling me the reason he doesn't initiate sex is that he feels to me its just another chore. It does make sense."

Actually, I smell BS.

He already told you he doesn't think about sex and has no sex drive. So now, when asked what he's going to do to fix this, he now he tells you he doesn't initiate because of YOU. Nice way for him to put all the blame on you. It's just a diversionary tactic to dump it all back in your lap.

FWIW, I told my husband 5 months ago that I was no longer going to initiate. It's now been 5 months since we've had sex.

However, if I brought it up, he'd tell me "I thought you weren't interested anymore".

Passive aggressive personalities are absolute masters at deflecting blame and responsibility onto their partners.

No... but its still on the table if this TURN AROUND doesnt work. So far we are going on 3 weeks of increased intimacy...and when I SAY INCREASED..I MEAN i have had more SEX in the last 3 weeks than I have had in the last 2 or 3 years! ...I know I know...not that long for a solid turnaround ..but...still its 3 weeks longer than he has ever done before. Hopeful

If it doesnt work out I will look you up Sammy lol..You are from my old stompin grounds..well not that far! lol... about 30 miles east of hometown!

JUST KIDDING...maybe not ;) hahahhaa

No explaining...In 30 years I have never cheated on my husband although he had 2 affairs on me early on and I forgave him. Im sure there are alot of issues I would deal with..and maybe I would and maybe I wouldnt...but what happens to my mental, emotional and spiritual life is between God and me :)

I AM! LSU AND SAINTS FAN TO!

I TOTALLY AGREE...H has made a huge effort and I LOVE him with all my heart.

I feel, in all other areas of the relationship, completely satisfied. When we met, sparks flew. I knew it the first time we laid eyes on each other that this person would be important to me... our emotional relationship is extremely healthy. And if I asked to have sex, we would... but I don't like asking. It makes me feel unwanted to say to my significant other, "Can we have sex?"

I'm so happy things have turned around for you LynnLee! Sometimes guys have to be hit up side the head to see what's really happening to them. Sounds like your request to "outsource" was a large enough hammer. Sure hope it continues!

Thanks 10! :) I pray it continues as well. We will see. I keep asking him "why now? what did i say that made the difference" He dont know...UGH..Not going to look back..FORWARD ON! :)

What made the difference was he never expected you to ask to outsource, he figured you'd continue suffering in silence and everything would be ok. Looking forward is best!

I haven't tried that. We had a long talk last night and I feel like I did get through to him. He was so upset that I asked about an open marriage, he vomitted and sobbed for quite a long time...

Well Imt, maybe the seriousness of his neglect finally hit him (sometimes us guys have to be jolted & your request may have done just that). I would say his response is a good first start to repairing your marriage. Good luck to ya! I hope it works and that y'all are happy again real soon, acting like unsupervised newly weds! HD

Thank you, I hope it works. I will be sure to write again if it does/does not work.

I agree....they can be your best friend but they cannot be your soul mate.

To be considered a soul mate they would have to CARE for our soul...(our mind will and emotions) Which to be honest...all three of those things are decimated in a SM. Soul mate is a word used to loosely I believe without the true understanding of the word.

I see what you are saying, but I don't believe my marriage is over. I have wasted a lot of time but I still feel there's possible solutions we haven't explored. I can love under the best and worst conditions, and honestly other than the sex issue we have a wonderful relationship ship.

PaLEEEEZE wake up and smell the coffee!!!!

What you are describing is EXACTLY what HE wants!!!

Pinch yourself.....Dunk your head into ice water.....Slap your face!! WAKE UP!!

You already said it..."I have wasted a lot of time"!!!

Call the marriage "coroner"....So he can call your marriage,,,Time of death...

JEEZ!!! I just realized how YOUNG you are!! Get rid of this MESS and start over!!

You have a TON of life left!!

lmt...I understand wanting to have hope. BEEN THERE, DID THAT FOR WAY TO LONG...but in the end it has worked out for me..but with such a price paid..and not so sure it was worth it.

So...if you are insisting on staying in this situation, and having HOPE..then you had better get to moving through those other "possible solutions" that you havent explored yet so you can get a clear picture of what your refuser is willing to do.

My refuser AFTER 30 YEARS...has decided he loves me enough to make the changes needed, but it was a long time coming and as I said before..IF I HAD KNOWN the journey of this marriage BEFORE KIDS..I would have got out.

So what are the solutions you are thinking of lmt?

And genguy...I understand your passion as well...3 WEEKS AGO..before my situation made the turn around I would have been just as pessimistic...even called it REALISTIC as you. There are miracles...rarely do they happen..I know..and not everyone will have them...in fact very few will but if lmt wants to try and stay..maybe we would be better to encourage her through her solution options..maybe she will get a refuser who will change..and then if not...better she know it quickly so we can go back to 'GET OUT'. :)

LynnLee, I don't mean to be a wet blanket, but your "miracle" is only three weeks old.

My husband managed to have sex with me every week for 15 MONTHS after 19 years sexless, but now it's back to nothing for the last five months. He hasn't said a single word about it, either.

I'm sure there ARE people who do turn their SM's around, through incredibly hard work by both partners.

It sounds like your husband only "changed" after you said you were going to get it somewhere else.

My husband doesn't want me to get it anywhere else, either, because it would mean that his withholding sex from me no longer gives him any power and control.

It has nothing to do with him wanting me or loving me.

I refuse to quit and I'm sorry if that seems stupid or even more pathetic than my marriage. But yes, I am young. So is he... Only 24 years old. And to me, the fact that we haven't spent a couple of decades this way suggests we may be able to fix it. I am not implying that I'll be giving out a bunch more chances, but I am saying one more. One clear cut, this is your last chance or I am leaving you, kind of chance. And my H knows me enough to know that I am a strong person, and when I'm done with something there is no turning back. He knows now that I am done talking about this issue. I truly feel that no matter what anyone else says, he is my soulmate. I feel this way because of all the other aspects of our relationship, which are absolutely wonderful. There are no relationships without issues. And I have taken a backseat to this one for a long time. Now, after my standing up and staying firm to my ground, if this doesn't work I will leave. Not because of just sex, but the whole precedent he would set that if I say something hurts, he would ignore it. I know there will be some shaking their heads, but you do not know our relationship and you do not know me. If you did, you would know I am the type of person who always does exactly what they say they will. I have given him this last fair shot, and that's the only thing I will give until I know what he is going to do about this.

We are just trying to say don't waste decades like so many of us here have.

Glad to see you don't intend to do that.

We all get that you have to feel like you did everything you could and wish you the best.

Thank you