My Sexless Marriage

I dunno where to start but i guess it all started after my wife got pregnant and we had our first child. I have been married nearly 3 years now and with a beautiful daughter.What's bugging me is that I realize that i am going through the same same situation as all of you readers.

I could understand that maybe having sex during pregnancy could be a wee bit dangerous but what about after giving birth. This may sound embarrassing but i think it's nearly 2 years now that i have not even had an intimate moment/time with my wife. It's as if she has lost interest in me.Not only don't we communicate much, she also does not touch me.And i don't mean in a sexual kinda way. It's as if i disgust her. We sleep on the same bed but that's about it.Nothing more.She used to cuddle up to me but now all that seems like a distant memory.

She has hinted for me to get into shape.I have done that.I'm going to gym everyday and have got back into shape.I figured that out and have done as she wishes.So when i ask for sex, she refuses.I get the same response:"I don't feel it anymore. I don't feel like having sex". Issit common for women to lose their sexual appetite after giving birth?

Like most of the people here, they say that when they are refused, it just sucks the confidence out of you.Issit me? Or is she falling out of love from me?
Heavyarms Heavyarms
26-30, M
18 Responses Dec 8, 2012

I guess I'm different than most wife's. I still want it and that hasn't changed and I have 2 boys of 3 and 19 months. Everyone is different. I can't give you any advice than what has been given. I did want to say that not all woman are that way after having kids!! There of course was a short period of time, probably 2-3 months after giving birth where I didn't want it and couldn't bc I had c-sections. Best of luck to you... most important things is take care of you and you being happy!!! :)

It's normal for your wife to not have much or any interest in sex after having a baby. We are designed to be like that ....focus on the child , avoid getting pregnant again too soon etc..It's a boilogical thing.Not everyone will go through this, and those who do may experience it to different degrees. But it won't stay that way if you both work at it. The worst thing you can both do is let it continue indefinately.You wife would be feeling like she doesn't recognise herself anymore either.If she doen't like herself an present she isn't likely to want you to like her either..It can feel like everyone wants a peace of you when you are going through the early days , and all you want is to left alone.More than likely , her libido i not lost , she just doesn't know where she put it.
For me it was often a case of "try it , you'll like it " with my husband during those years. Once i was relaxed and able to let go of the daily stress, i found myself thoroughly into it and would think to myself, why have i not been missing this? But soon after, more stress, more work ,no sleep and i forgot about how much i enjoyed it, until i tried it again.
It's just hard to get started, you forget how good it feels and what it can do for your soul.
kcebek52 is right is saying that you need to bing up the idea of sex slowly. When her body relaxes she can tune out to the stuff that stands in the way of her own enjoyment of sex. She is not doing herself any favours by missing out either, only she can't even see it that way yet...Work on it , before she has too much catching up to do later in finding her old self again. You will be doing her, and yourself a big favour in helping her find her way back.
I wish you both a happy sex life..( better than a Merry Xmas!!)

Currently in your wife's position..I love my husband..but sometimes it's more of an internal battle..he disappoints me at times..and it's hard to get over that..because..for example I go out of my way to make our family work but I'm so tired..sometimes I want me time..and I can't get that..or I just want to release stress and because he feels he has to do it too..I can't because if we go out we have to go back to our son to care for him..or the baby starts crying..or big disappointment just last night he was outside drinking with his bro..until almost 2 am..I have a half an hour commute so I have to leave around 6:30..instead of being outside..he could be inside helping with my son so I can get some sleep..then he comes inside wanting some intimate time..when I finally have the baby asleep..and am barely falling asleep..I mean do you understand that's not that we're not attracted, but that the other person..does something to turn you off completely..what comes out of your mouth may affect how she feels about being intimate..I wish my husband would apologize..or try to find out what's wrong instead of also getting angry..

It is common for women to lose interest in sex for a time after having a baby. This usually isnt permanent loss of interest though. Your wife just needs time and some compassion. There may be physical reasons and she may simply be exhausted and low in mood. Raising a baby/small child is hard, endless work. Her every minute is taken up by some demand or other. All day she has the task of filling the needs of her baby and then she may feel she just hasnt got anything left to give you. Just show interest in her as a person, help her (without being asked) with the baby and the housework. She will talk about things when she is ready to talk. Above all - don't pressure her or whine about the not having sex thing. Its tough for you but your wife is doing it tough too. Most women do not experience sex (and arousal) like men do. Being a genuinely caring husband and father is very appealing to a wife who is feeling jaded.

Your toast buddy. That's the sorta BS my wife gave me 28 almost 29 years ago! I'm still in a sexual desert. Nothing nothing nothing not even a Bj or anything else. Wasteland I'm not happy about conditions either! So that makes me the heavy: pestering and begging for something I thought was part of the deal. That's 1 of the factors that made me switch to the other team. Tired of waiting:so I'm going to restart from a new finish line!

I'm going to try and be short, and concise.

Women think they want certain things in a man. They think they know what they want (a woman's fantasy of what a man should be) but by the process of over-molding their mate can unintentionally emasculation him.

If your marriage is in trouble then there is really one thing you can do:
Get back to square one.

What I mean is figure out who YOU are at this time.

I'm not saying that your marriage is over, but there is a mental process you need to go through.

First, think what you would be doing if you were single (I'm not talking about fooling around, I'm just talking about what you would do if you were taking care of yourself and building your own life).

There are two reasons for this:

One, your marriage may be ending.

Two, if you find your center and get strong again she will love you again.

She will see you taking the initiative to have your own strength and feed off of that.

Yes your mate should have a natural amount of influence on who you are, but if you have let it go to far, as to the point of damaging your dignity, then you need to reevaluate who you are at this point of time.

She might be seeing you as a 'Jelly-Spine' or a push over.
Or, you could have failed to keep things fresh and showing her new things to be interested about you.

Without knowing more that's all I got.

Oh, and read Dr. Gary Chapman's 'The Five Love Languages'.

Hope this helps.

Dont do anything crazy and dont open up yet. Take it as a challenge to impress her.
I would stick to what kcebek52 said.

Just be yourself. Dont think about the result but the rather the journey. IS a bunch of extra work on your part, THAT you dont even care about about worth a single ****?

she's probably tired do a favor and get a babysitter, plan a night out just you and her, or even better relive a honey moon to remember, let the kids stay with a family member one night, get rose petals order dinner, etc and make her feel like she's the only girl in the world again, relationships sometime become way to comfortable, but its a start to get the heat back in the relationship!

I am also a reader. I'm 60 and not in a sexless marriage. All of us readers are not in the same situation, so I can't understand why that is what is bugging you.<br />
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Nobody here can honestly tell you that your wife is falling out of love with you. She married you and had a baby with you, so there must be some love there. <br />
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Only your wife's OB/GYN/physician can determine if sex when/during/up until in her pregnancy is safe, and for how long. Is she pregnant again? Because you state she gave birth two years ago. <br />
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You say you think it's been two years since you last had sex. Are you saying that you haven't had sex since, during, or before your wife's pregnancy? <br />
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Does your wife work? Does she work full-time? Does your wife do all of, or part of the housekeeping? How much does she do? Does she do the meal planning, grocery shopping and cooking? Does she take care of your 2-year old? Does she run the baby everywhere and then to work? Will you even return here to read the comments to your story?<br />
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See, maybe your wife is exhausted. You should know that better than we do. Yet you didn't tell us anything about your wife, except that you don't think she cares about you and tells you she doesn't feel like having sex.<br />
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Instead of asking complete strangers who have no real idea of you, your wife and your situation, please seek professional counseling. <br />
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I would hope both you and your wife could go together, but that's not necessary. You could seek counseling on your own, where a trained professional can interact with you and make a much better informed attempt than any stranger on the internet ever could. <br />
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Best wishes for you and your wife and family.

Within the comments and replies, you make this most revealing statement (about some unspecified behaviour) - " - which irritates the heck out of me.(Another story for another time)."

Everything is not great bar the sex here is it.

Sure, check out the post partum depression matter, to be sure, but I think this is situation is more one of you having been ***** donor in her grand plan for her life. Your role is now over - bar child minding duties - while she gets on with her life.

As far as "falling out of love with you", I reckon you need to challenge the thinking that she ever WAS in love with you.

Tread your own path.

Sounds as if.....
there is a serious lack of open, honest, and direct communication...
your wife has much more going on emotionally then she has been willing to disclose...
she has been detaching from her reality of being a wife/mother
you may both benefit from a lil assistance from an objective 3rd party...
this could possibly be an adjustment disorder....
wishing you both a way to work through a respectful and mutually loving way...
joyinthejourney, clg

First off, don't make the mistake that I made! I had a lot of bad relationship messages. One of them is that there is always another woman around the corner! Long story short is that I later found out that there is an awful ot of guys in this trap! My very wrong answer found me with an ex-junkie prostitute. Unfortunately, there is no such thing! The upside is that she introduced me to "recovery programs." I learned a lot and it changed me. unfortunately, it was too late for my marriage. I hope that you can hear these words. . .
What you and your wife are going through are faced by many couples. Forgive me, my spelling stinks, but it's called "postpardum syndrome" -Google the term. This will give you a starting point. AND if you believe in God, create experiences between you and your wife to stay on point with Him. This is where I personally really messed up! Don't do the same! I pray for your marriage. . .

It MAY be postpartum depression - or it may NOT. That is why I recommend getting MEDICAL ADVICE (see below).

No matter what it is, it should NOT go unattended for TWO YEARS.

Bait & switch.

If you don't challenge this now, you're toast.

You're getting the "good-old" I-only-have-sex-when-I-desire-it (in the mood), you can go hang. Plus the trusty Playbook if-only you were in shape + insert next condition of choice in here. That doesn't end.

Unless the docs advised otherwise (e.g. high risk pg), there is no evidence I'm aware of that says sex in pregnancy is risky.

Yes, it's common enough to lose interest. Breastfeeding and PPD are particularly significant. AND that does not mean your relationship and needs can go on the back burner for 2 years. That's no good for the kid let alone you and your marriage. What exactly is she doing for you & the relationship? Or is she doing the kid-comes-first nonsense?

Please react now, otherwise you can look forward to my story.

Well, for one thing,she finds hanging out with her friends are a better alternative than hanging out with me.I would agree with you on the whole medical thing but it could be something else.I don't know.

she always tell me that when the time comes, she will have sex but when will that time,it's up for discussion.

Sometimes when i'm alone, i think of getting a divorce.But then again, i think of my little girl.FYI, i spend more time with my daughter than she does. She prefers to spend time with friends rather than her family, which irritates the heck out of me.(Another story for another time).

The next time she'll be in the mood is when she wants another baby. OR, when she feels you have one foot out the door. Temporary Libido Syndrome.

Heavyarms - so I see that you do come back to read the posts. Good for you there, but have you talked to a counselor yet? We readers aren't able to hear your wife's side and since we don't know you personally, how can any of us really guide you with the best advice? We can sit here and speculate why you aren't getting any sex and whatever, but none of us really knows why. Most people will tell you something based on their life or someone they know, and that will never resolve your situation. So, unless all you want to do is complain about your situation, be proactive and see a counselor, or someone trained in helping you regarding this this matter. Someone able to see you and how you interact and ask you the right questions will be your best advice giver.

Again, best regards to you and your family.

P.S. On another thought, I didn't see if you never stated whether you and/or your wife belong to a religious sect that doesn't permit sex unless one is procreating. Might religion play any part in this? I can't judge that, I don't have a religion to forbid or dictate my sex life. However, if your wife is that way, then you should have known that before you married her. I get a sense that isn't it, but it crossed my mind as a possibility because of some of the reality shows I've viewed recently on TV.

I didn't lose my sexual appetite for long after giving birth - yeah, maybe not in the first few weeks, but then... you want SOMETHING to feel good and desired again! At least I did... but I didn't get it.

Keep reading on here. The only thing I can suggest is it is NOT normal, and your W should be going to a doctor to get her hormones, iron, etc checked, and / or to a psychologist or counsellor to sort out what she's thinking about the whole sex thing, and if she refuses - well, that's your answer as to how important YOUR wants and needs are, not to mention the need of your child for a stable household.

Best of luck!

You are not alone. I have pretty much the same experience going on four years.

Welcome to the club. I have simply moved into the guest room. I tried for 20 years to convince my wife that sex is an integral part of a marriage, but she is convinced that it is not. I get the "I'm getting older", to "I'm too tired to" "it's different for me" to everything else in the book. All which I'm sure is true and real for her. What she is forgetting or refusing to understand is that it is different for men and she needs to accept that and show that she is committed to the marriage and figure it out. I have done my part by keeping myself in great shape, doing more than 50% of the work around the house, treating her like a princess, etc.

It doesn't matter. She has stuck with her side that sex is not needed. So what can I do? I need to stay for the children, 13 and 15 and make sure they see a loving household. Once they are off to college I may leave, I'm not sure. I no longer show her much love since I no longer have much to show. It has been a long, slow process down hill.

God is extremely cruel by making the sex's so different. Just one of the many reasons I no longer believe in him either. We are just animals living on this planet for 60-80 years, than turn to dust like everything else. That is what life is in a nutshell, so I'm simply going to live it with that in mind.

I don't think divorce is the answer, because in my opinion it will simply start the cruel cycle all over again and I'll be in this exact same place 10-20 years from now. So move on and do what you have to do to enjoy life.

Best of luck to you, and like I said, you are not alone, in fact you are with a very large group.

thanks for the advice.I appreciate it.It's good to know that i'm not alone in this mess.I agree with you on the part where you may leave once your kids are off to college.I might consider doing that.

you should devorced to find a new girl who can sex with you.

Thanks for the advice but getting a divorce is not easy.Especially when i have a girl in tow :) Appreciate the thought though.

Heavyarms, hl42 is absolutely right, you need to nip this right now. This is a major problem in your marriage that you need to fix, now. I understand you don't want to get divorced...few of us do. So have "the talk", get into counseling, try as hard as you can to fix this now, and things might improve. Taking this path will show you both that the marriage will either remain sexless, improve slightly, or need to end.