What Motivated Me To Move On So Fast?In fact, the title is half true because I have stayed in a relationship or lifestyle with zero sex in the last 10 years and the prior 11 years were not much better, either. Having married to my partner for 26 years, we had good enough sex in the first 5 years, but after my pregnancy we had once a year in the following 7 years. He is a kind and generous person, but kindness doesn’t make a person happy or energetic.
Since our child turned 20 last spring, this kind of lifestyle became intolerable and I started to challenge myself and my life more as the responsibility was taken off my shoulders. I wanted to be a person and a woman again. Many talks between my partner and me and they really did not go further. He is less angry than he used to, but the agitation in him and the distance in me still remain. He blankly stated that he did not do this (no sex) to hurt me, meaning I should just take whatever is left in our relationship and go with the flow. Thus, in the summer, I started to date a man trying to find a replacement for my inner needs, but it did not work out.
This process started a few days ago when I shared my summer experience at this site and it received several unpleasant comments that got me thinking why I had to take all the blame. A no-sex life exists between two, nobody can f*** themselves or become their own sex partner. I am alive, affectionate, wanting to connect, but I got all these negativity from strangers who have no ideas about my life.
This week a senior lady came to me and made another positive comment about my curvy figure, which I receive on a regular basis for the last 20 years. It got me thinking how incongruent I am as I am living in a no-sex life, feeling a huge hole in myself, but on the other hand, I am so healthy, active, looking attractive. What an ironic joke I become and my body is wasted and discarded. I make myself so healthy by doing all the exercises and keep it in such a good shape, but on the other hand, I am losing it day after day and I know it. It is the in-congruent inside out, sometimes I feel my body is like a big hole without anything to fill in and it is empty, losing, and misshaping.
This also reminded me of another similar comment with a good friend of mine more than 15 years ago. She concluded that my partner must appreciate and enjoy my figure very much as it looked so good. Here I am 15 years later, sharing the pain, hurt, and loneliness in my marriage and it is only getting worse, not better at all. Where is the hope?
Two days ago, I talked to my husband and son about moving out for a few days a week since my work is very far away as the plan I had in the summer. My husband was not happy at all, but he could accept it and said I can do what I need to do. Another motivation behind this is the unauthentic self as I always require myself to be honest to myself, but ironically, I have been living otherwise since the summer; I have been not living in a life that I expect myself to be.
Not only does the un-authenticity make me feel an in-genuine person, it also makes me feel in-congruent. As I am willing to share with more people (never did it before the summer), I realized how bad my marriage really is and it becomes more unbearable. Although I have not made the final decision yet, it is on the way that I am more determined to leave the marriage behind and end up with a separation. What I need at this point probably is someone who I trust a lot puts something into perspective and I will be more determined.
hotyogabk 51-55, F 5 Responses 3 Dec 8, 2012