Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

What Happens When You Tell Him?

Last week, I told my H that some point we just have to be honest with each other...that maybe we are just not compatible...it was my first step in getting to the "I'm leaving you part."

* I have my reasons for needing to wait a few more weeks...my decision won't waiver, that's not what I'm posting about.

He screamed that I was giving him an ultimatum. I told him I was giving him honesty. Since then we haven't spoken a word about it and he has done nothing but be a TOTAL JERK. The tension is thick....and I just can't stand to be around him anymore. Is this how a typical refuser reacts? Do they get nasty and withdraw even more than I thought humanly possible?

Or, is it that he senses what I am doing? Is he losing control and can't stop it?

Those of you that have left....did your refuser just get plain spiteful after you told him/her?

Please....I need some answers to feel sane. I'm going crazy living with this man.
nutmeg99 nutmeg99 36-40, F 17 Responses Dec 8, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

Sometimes a clean break is easier esp if the other cant handle it. A public place (restauraunt) or over the phone mb safer

I moved out and moved to another city. I realize not everyone can do this. It has been really difficult but I am moving forward in my life. I have a lot of anxiety but that is ok because it was not healthy for me to remain where I was.

My husband had the same response and I have been weathering the changes in mood and perspective ever since. I even have gone through the "fake acceptance" stage where he acted like he got it and actively helped plan the separation only to use my happiness at our unusual camaraderie to the very next day go back to square one and say, "see how well we get along ... let's stay together." Someone gave me a piece of advice here a long time ago--and clearly I'm still slogging through--but it was "one step in front of the other." If you've decided for sure this is what you want, you have to put your head down and take the steps you have planned, not second guess yourself and not let their rage/sorrow/manipulation/meanness/depression knock you off the path.

Well said...THANK YOU!!!! The good thing about me is that once I've made up my mind, I'm pretty stubborn. His tactics will only make me want to leave more....not stay. I don't feel like I'm on the inside looking out anymore which is why people get trapped and stay....I've been on that path and I've jumped off. Now, I'm on the outside looking in....and seeing everything for what it truly is. It's quite liberating.

So nice to hear. I identify with your attitude. It's how I am. Best of luck!

You're being brave - and I would say these are fairly normal responses to what you said. He'll be shocked and what you're talking about looks like a natural defence mechanism. Which doesn't make what you've done wrong.

My wife is a compulsive hoarder - the sexlessness of our marriage is almost incidental. But when I challenge her about some useless duplicate object she has bought our some object she should be throwing away, the response is really pretty similar to what you've described.

I don't think his acting like a total jerk has anything to do with being the refuser or the refused, it's just personality. He needs to go through the stages of shock/greif:

You have both probably been doing the "denial" part for a long time.
Now he is firmly in the Anger portion (some people call it intense concern, no... it's typically anger).

Be prepared for what comes next:
Despair and depression, which for the co-dependent is usually expressed as "please take me back, I can change". Stick to your decision and you can make it to:

Recovery and Acceptance.

At any point in the path should you choose to try again, you may still make it work, but bear in mind the stages above. You may be best to push through to recovery/acceptance and then try to rebuild (should you want to) from a new foundation.

Good luck.
Checkout wiki on "Stages of Grief".

Thanks!! I will:)

He just isn't able to cope, period. Not "then", not now. I suspect you don't need to speculate much beyond that point, even if there is more to it than that. It MIGHT only matter if you were planning to stay, but you don't. Apart from which you have already been there and have dispensed with all that.

He isn't thinking, he isn't rationalising, he isn't focusing. He never has. You said it yourself. You are dealing with a child. Some people 'grow up' late, others never.

Absolutely!!! I agree....he isn't thinking, rationalizing, or focusing. He never has!!! If he did, we wouldn't be at this point....I wouldn't be on this forum!

I agree with others who say he has little to lose by acting out. Thus you will be the butt of all manor of misbehavior. Denial, and desire to retain control are huge sources of energy, couple that with confused and largely angry emotions I would suspect the assaults on your emotions to escalate. You deserve to be happy. Keep in mind just because he says it does not make it so.

Thanks!

Hi I think your really brave for finally telling him u won't stand for it anymore. I'm about to do the same because I've had enough of having to beg my wife for sex all the time. If she loved me she would at least try to make the effort.

Hmmm...."finally telling him." I feel like I've been doing that for years but I guess this time I mean it. Breaking point happened....no turning back. Thanks for your thoughts.

WHy dont you just leave him now instead of prolonging your distress. And did you expect him to be happy?

No I did not expect him to be happy....I just didn't anticipate him being a total ******. That's all. As I stated, I have my reasons for waiting....believe me if I could I would.

So then, tough it out or leave now

Life is a little more complicated than just "leave now"..We are here to support her through her challenges, and give her strenght..

No its not. Life is a journey. You make the decisions you like and dont make the ones you dont like

1 More Response

Please have your plan in place first, before you confront him with anything.. Dont let this BS suck up your energy when you can use it for planning Your future with your kids..

I actually blurted that out before I even made the decision to leave. That decision came a few days later. I am not planning on speaking a word until everything is in place.

My Husband was very angry and tried to act out. I told him if he is going to act out like that then I am leaving right away. So the ultimatum was either you work this out in the next four weeks or I am taking you to the cleaners!

Okay, please try to maintain peace, he will get angry and that may hurt you. He may try to be very mean to you.. please be careful and try to be nice to him even if it is a little fake, because you want him to Not be mean to you..whether you stay or divorce, especially if you are trying to divorce, it is important to maintain peace ..you dont want things to get ugly..

I have been Uma....I need to for my kids. I ignore his childish ways, I laugh internally....it makes no sense that he is acting this way....he's only pushing me out the door faster.

You dumbass, why do you expect a man that might still want to be with you to act happy that youre leaving him or are dissatified with his presence?

The soon to be dumped spouse has nothing to lose by engaging in any and all kinds of bizarre behavior that seem downright ludricious to any sane person.

The most precious commodity a long term, hard core refuser wants is TIME. Time to enjoy the perks of the relationship and time to hold steadfastly to a status quo that benefits them more than it benefits you.

All these behaviors buy them what they want the most: TIME.

This is probably a good reason to have a contingency plan in place BEFORE you start down the "I am departing" path.

The **** that you might be subjected to can tax even the hardiest of souls, and could increase the probability that you will need to depart the marital pattern sooner than originally planned.

Thanks....this makes a lot of sense:)

This is the gauntlet - the stretch where just about everything gets used to deter you - threats, manipulation, accusations, promises to change, attempts to have sex and guilt. Breathe and keep walking forward. Others have walked this gauntlet and you can too. Be strong.

Thanks Lao....I can guarantee this time he won't try sex...just spite, anger, and rage. I'm ready....and every time he does it I feel stronger!!

Wishing you strength... it is/was a real eye opener how my EX reacted - and other's react on here - when we tell them. I think if the tables were turned, I would have done anything to figure out how to fix things, how to be nicer and more loving. When we tell them we feel done, they get aggressive, hostile, angry, defensive, etc. Not exactly traits that make us want to stick around! How can they not see how counterproductive that is?

I mean, if a 3 year old pulled the "do what I want you to or I'll scream/hold my breath/throw a tantrum" thing, we'd teach them right quick that that was NOT the way to get what they want. How does this work out for 40+ year olds?

Bazzar said it nicely but let me add prepare yourself not with just money but mentally. That is the problem with those of us that hang in there a long time. We forgive easly and want to avoid the pain as well. We do not like having such turmoil as it does not suit us.

To want a real connection is healthy so in the end find your happiness.

Have you got your exit strategy in do-able shape ?

If you have, then it might be wise to enact it NOW rather than subject yourself to this bullshit.

However - yes, it is 'usual' for the spouse to re-act volcanicly when the status quo comes under real or perceived threat. PARTICULARLY if the scenario has been played out before and you stayed. (in other words if it has worked before)

BUT - if you stick to your guns, this aggression often turns to pathetic leg clinging, promises to change, begging etc.

Indeed you are likely to see just about any sort of behaviour the spouse can think of that might advance their rearguard action to stop the catastrophe of their cozy world imploding. In ILIASM terms this is called "emptying the gun at you".

There will not only be these fun and games for you to endure. If you have a spiteful spouse, then there is the divorce to contend with with further hostility and obstruction. Yet sometimes, when the dust has settled, the previously aggressive spouse will roll over.

Truth be told, no-one can predict with any great accuracy "how" a spouse is going to act out under pressure. Prepare for the worst is not a bad policy.

Tread your own path.

Thanks. He is spiteful so I am gearing up for the worse...all the more reason I need to be ready with everything. I wish I could do this sooner but there are some logistical things I am working out.