Input

Since separating from my husband and deciding to divorce, it has been about 16 months. He is dating, as am I. I have somehow managed to find another man who has zero interest in sex. He does, however, look at **** and ********** every day. I was able to glean some feedback from my ex (who did the same) as to why. I wanted to share just in case it helps anyone else. For years I have felt undesirable, ugly, unattractive, fundamentally damaged. My ex even once said "Ew, ICKY!" when he walked into the bedroom and saw a pair of my panties. So, I also began to believe that there was something wrong with my feminine parts :( It was horrible and I still suffer from it. But again, having gotten some insight, thought I would pass along.

One question I asked my ex was why was he (I posed the question to him about my new boyfriend, whose behaviors are almost exactly the same) able and interested in sex early in the relationship and yet as the emotional intimacy grew, the sex drive died? He shared that early on, the emotions are light. You are showing your "best self". The "who I want to be" side. As time goes on, reality sets in and the truth starts to peek through until their self-loathing/ depression/ fill in the blank libido killer here shows its face and begins to eat away at the sexual intimacy.

I asked him why when given tools and resources to help the situation improve (self-esteem, depression, etc.), why the tools would sit unused, unopened. He said that in a way, you don't even realize that you are building the reality that you have. That you essentially set yourself up to fail. That you may even not get too involved in the relationship because you know how it will end. You go into it with an exit plan because that is how it goes.

I asked him why he can accept sexual attention where he is inactive (oral) and yet do zero for his lover. He said that it is easier to hide away mentally if you are inactive in the lovemaking. Having to move and take action and initiate sex means being present, being involved and being active. This means having to be aware that you are being sexual and thus, exposing the very core of who you are. The very thing you can't stand the most. So, better to hide away, lose the relationships you have and just make do with what you have in your life that is good. Not everyone gets everything they want, right? So, you tell yourself "I have a good job. I have good friends. Etc. I don't need a wife/girlfriend/lover."

I asked him why the daily ************ and **** if there is no desire/ libido.   He said that the sexual energy is still there and that it builds anxiety.  So, ************ and using **** does 2 things:
1) Rids them of the anxiety
2) Ensures that there is no sexual energy for the relationship (thus, allowing them the "Sorry, hon, I am not in the mood" excuse every time)

Ladies, for us, this means it really ISN'T us. Someday I hope that I can absorb that deep into my soul and stop hurting about my 13 years spent trying to be pretty enough, sexy enough, confident enough, clean enough, cool enough, sucessful enough, funny enough, classy enough, well-spoken enough, and it goes on....all with one goal in mind....to make him love me enough to actually WANT me. Turns out that no matter what I did, I couldn't make him want himself. I hope that this helps even one other woman out there. If not, c'est la vie.
PeaceLoveandTranquility PeaceLoveandTranquility
41-45, F
5 Responses Dec 8, 2012

Wow, just wow. You need to get away from this guy and the last. They are abusing you and not is a healthy way. **** can cause damage in what they expect, or it can enhance the imagination and inspire much more from your lover. I believe that they have been damaged and are inflicting abuse on you. You lover should always focus on their lover (I know you are not vanilla and when the top, master, daddy or what have you withdraws attention it is FOR you and essentially giving attention).

Please do not allow this to continue and find someone that will give you the attention you deserve

Dump this new guy ASAP.

He is incapable of going deep enough emotionally to ever actually make love.....

he can have sex and get off....., but he can not make love to you.

Oh boy that's my worst fears if I moved on ... I will find another version of my husband .. And then I can't help but to think he's right no man is stupid enough to want to be with me!!! When men checking me out I got the echo of my husband words in my ears ... And I say yup that's what this cute guy is thinking right now who's the stupid guy who married her!!!!

And if he similes at me ohhhh the hell gate are open I just want to punch him in the face and say I don't need your pity smile ... Run faster and prove me ur smarter than my husband ....

No no no! You are a treasure. If your husband is sick, so be it but you are not anything but awesome! I should update that through my learning better communication, focusing on building my self-esteem (which I didn't think was THAT low but it was low enough for me to believe my husband's BS mental cruelty) and by focusing on ME.....my new relationship has completely turned around. My marriage never did but I have been able to work through some of the speed bumps of the new relationship and we have sex often. I wish you luck and I wish you enough distance from your husband and his BS to recognize your value as a woman and a person! Don't buy the pain he's selling. The price is too high!

I can relate to some of that self loathing, it can exist on both sides of this experience sadly. I'm not quite sure how one goes about valuing themselves, as the reasons for the negativity can be pretty varied. I know one thing though. I should not be allowed to hold someone elses heart until I can hold my own. Which sucks when you're someone who craves love/attention (part of the problem, unfortunately).

Good luck with your situation. I'm sadly with Baz though, you can't fix these guys and you shouldn't be with anyone who can't/won't fix themselves.

Interesting post, which may hopefully spread some light on this particular "why" a spouse is intimacy averse to us.

You found, that the resolution to the dysfunctionality that this particular "why" caused, was to leave. And you will almost certainly find that this will be the same method of resolution you'll have to take with the current beau too.

This is the whole thing in a nutshell. Whatever the "why" might be, mental dysfunction, cheating, being an authentic *****, (as above 'disengagement') etc etc, the resolution to the intimacy averse situation is to leave it.

Would you agree PL&T, that had you acted on the observed behaviour of your spouse when it first started, and left then, that you would have saved a few years that you spent on "why" chasing ? (I know that the answer to this question has to be speculation on your part. Most of us DON'T leave as soon as the intimacy averse situation emerges. Most of us DO spend years chasing the "why")

Tread your own path.

Hmmm....chewy question. With my ex there were several dead-end paths that he sent me down over the years "You aren't confident enough anymore", "I am afraid you'll get pregnant", "Make a calendar so I know when we are safe for sex", "You are pressuring me too much", "Yes, I said I liked school girl outfits but you remind me of my mother in that"....I had to be sure I was good and beaten up (mentally only) before I left. When I look at the marriage model shown me as a girl, it is the same. Suffer through and try to make it better. I am doing the same even with my new man. At least with him, unlike my ex, he is quite happy for me to seek sexual intimacy elsewhere. We will see how it goes I guess.

Dear PLT thank you for those insights, it is very interesting as my H is similar in nature to yours esp the self-loathing. It is concerning that you unfortunately ended up with another partner with the same issues (eek!). But please can I ask you why you are still with the new guy, if it is a sexless groundhog day situation and he is also not meeting your needs - you are not married to him, right? Am I right in thinking you are having affairs elsewhere too? Just trying to understand your situation ... .thanks :-)

@counterrefusal- I am sorry your husband is so similar. I am with the new guy still because he is willing to try to work on it. That is all I asked of my husband and he refused. I even gave him an ultimatum after 5 sexless, kissless, touchless years- option 1) go to the doctor and figure out how to mend this issue- option 2) allow me to go outside the marriage for sex- option 3) divorce. I gave him 6 weeks to consider and ask questions and he refused to even face it. So, because I decided that for me, without his consent, going outside the marriage for sex would not be best, I left him. My new boyfriend is fine with me having sex elsewhere. He truly is. So, I sort of figure while we work on him, I can still be fulfilled with my steady "friend" and perhaps someday I will have sex again with the man I love. I do recognize that there must be a time limit, unlike my marriage where I lived like that for so very long.