I Refuse To Accept The Status Quo AnymoreAs many others here I have shared my story about 7 month ago, I was questionning if a sexless marriage could be a possibility.
Without going into details, we have been married for 12 years now, but the last 4 years have been very poor in any intimacy. I have suffered greatly initially from the constant rejection and now I have come to almost avoid any intimacy with my wife in the last year.
The emotional burden that I have choosen to carry in the last years has a lot to do with my kids. If I didn't have kids, I would have followed the suggestions of many and left my wife a while ago, but I am worried about the psychological well-being of my kids. I want them to be able to grow up in a somewhat functional family. I am also afraid of loosing them if I file for divorce, or loosing custody, because of my demanding job but also because of the 'male gender' bias.
I don't want to divorce from my kids. Besides I don't hate my wife, I'm just not happy with her anymore. From my point of view I haven't seen any effort from my wife to improve our conjugal status. She refuses to take part in the financial aspect of our family, she neglects her health in many different ways and gets sicker and sicker, she doesn't pay attention to her appearance and she seems content to not need to deal with my sexual advances.
The last time we had some kind of sex was 7 months ago when she initiated sex after an evening with alcool. I was not able to enjoy sex at that time, I felt like a sexual pervert, like I was abusing her.... I rapidly lost my manhood. Some friends had hear us from another room and teased us the next morning. I felt very ashamed about it. This is when I realized that no sex is better than 'pity' sex or sex after so much rejection.
Wanting to last in the marriage for a couple of years until my kids are grown up, I have come to consider having an affair, but I can't overcome the guilt of even thinking about it. I have not been able to suggest to my wife to accept an open marriage.... I'm afraid of her, of my kids' reaction when they would find out or be told.
I'm at a breaking point. I do not want to accept the status quo anymore.
I'm tired of feeling rejected for who I am or what I represent.
I'm tired of feeling guilty of having sexual desires.
I'm tired of feeling guilty of desiring intimacy.
I'm tired of feeling ashamed of accepting a sexless marriage.
I'm tired of feeling ashamed of having sex when I'm intimate.
I'm tired of feeling ashamed for becoming impotent because of guilt, because I let myself be convinced I was abnormal, deviant and obsessed sexually.
I'm tired of feeling like a loser for accepting a unhealthy relationship.
I'm tired of feeling like a loser for not being brave enough to ask for a divorce.
I'm tired of feeling like a loser for not being able to have an affair given the circumstances.
I refuse to give up sex when I'm so young... 38.
I refuse to be psychologically abuse
I refuse to be manipulated
I'm ashamed I have no friends to confide.... I really feel like a loser. The most important people in my life are my kids. I know they love me. I don't want to loose them.
I hope I'm not doing a mistake