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I Refuse To Accept The Status Quo Anymore

As many others here I have shared my story about 7 month ago, I was questionning if a sexless marriage could be a possibility.
 
Without going into details, we have been married for 12 years now, but the last 4 years have been very poor in any intimacy.  I have suffered greatly initially from the constant rejection and now I have come to almost avoid any intimacy with my wife in the last year. 
 
The emotional burden that I have choosen to carry in the last years has a lot to do with my kids.  If I didn't have kids, I would have followed the suggestions of many and left my wife a while ago, but I am worried about the psychological well-being of my kids.  I want them to be able to grow up in a somewhat functional family.  I am also afraid of loosing them if I file for divorce, or loosing custody, because of my demanding job but also because of the 'male gender' bias.
 
I don't want to divorce from my kids.  Besides I don't hate my wife, I'm just not happy with her anymore.  From my point of view I haven't seen any effort from my wife to improve our conjugal status.  She refuses to take part in the financial aspect of our family, she neglects her health in many different ways and gets sicker and sicker, she doesn't pay attention to her appearance and she seems content to not need to deal with my sexual advances.
 
The last time we had some kind of sex was 7 months ago when she initiated sex after an evening with alcool.  I was not able to enjoy sex at that time, I felt like a sexual pervert, like I was abusing her.... I rapidly lost my manhood.  Some friends had hear us from another room and teased us the next morning.  I felt very ashamed about it.  This is when I realized that no sex is better than 'pity' sex or sex after so much rejection.
 
Wanting to last in the marriage for a couple of years until my kids are grown up, I have come to consider having an affair, but I can't overcome the guilt of even thinking about it.  I have not been able to suggest to my wife to accept an open marriage.... I'm afraid of her, of my kids' reaction when they would find out or be told.
 
I'm at a breaking point.  I do not want to accept the status quo anymore.
 
I'm tired of feeling rejected for who I am or what I represent.
I'm tired of feeling guilty of having sexual desires.
I'm tired of feeling guilty of desiring intimacy.
I'm tired of feeling ashamed of accepting a sexless marriage.
I'm tired of feeling ashamed of having sex when I'm intimate.
I'm tired of feeling ashamed for becoming impotent because of guilt, because I let myself be convinced I was abnormal, deviant and obsessed sexually.
I'm tired of feeling like a loser for accepting a unhealthy relationship.
I'm tired of feeling like a loser for not being brave enough to ask for a divorce.
I'm tired of feeling like a loser for not being able to have an affair given the circumstances.
 
I refuse to give up sex when I'm so young... 38.
I refuse to be psychologically abuse
I refuse to be manipulated
 
I'm ashamed I have no friends to confide.... I really feel like a loser.  The most important people in my life are my kids.  I know they love me.  I don't want to loose them.
 
I hope I'm not doing a mistake
yoChris yoChris 36-40 8 Responses Dec 8, 2012

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Firstly, I'm sorry that you're in this situation and I wish you luck with however it turns out.

Secondly, I don't believe that staying together for the sake of children is emotionally healthy for the parents or for the children. It does children no favour to teach them that a dysfunctional, unhappy, loveless marriage is normal or acceptable. It does not set a good example of what true love or respect actually is.

Lastly, you said that you 'don't hate your wife'. Well, I didn't hate my former husband when I left him; in fact, I still loved him. The thing is, I was no longer in love with him. Big difference.

I read what you wrote. My first thought was to something you mentioned in the middle of your post. I can't help but think that she wanted your friends to hear you two having sex. Sadly, I think manipulation goes further than skin deep for many of our spouses...

That hurts.....but, you have probably pointed out a major detail that I had dismissed or not wanting to face. This is probably why it was so destructive on my self-esteem.

Thanks for being so straightforward.

You use the words 'guilty', 'ashamed' and 'loser' a lot. You might want to reflect on that. In a way you already have, ie that you should not be in a position where you have those feelings. But why have those feelings even though you find yourself in the position you do?

You sound somewhat depressed? Are you? In a clinical sense? Is your wife depressed? Inhibited? Disgusted by sex?

An insight into your own feelings and an insight into one another's feelings can be informative, even if it is only for another relationship.

I just read your experience and I am in almost the same situation. I say almost because my Wife is VERY attractive but just not interested in sex other than the weekly "quickie". Maybe once a month we do have lengthy sessions (an hour or 2 maybe) but that's about it. She is a Physician and works just too many hours. But still our Marriage suffers from lack of intimacy plus she's become (in the last 10 years) quite a prude. there were times when we made love each day and even "experimented". It has gotten so that each night I get a kiss just before she goes upstairs to bed at 10 or 11pm. Sure there are times (not often at all though) when I've woken her and more or less "demanded" sex. But it's not nearly as good as it used to be. We are still in love but the physical part has sort of "fizzled"

Sounds like youre your only barricade

Maybe you should think about moving out for awhile. maybe a couple weeks or maybe a couple months. It will give you the time to get your thoughts together and possibly make her realize your not going to live in an unloved relationship any longer. It could be a wake up call for ya both to experience what being alone is really about

Thanks bazzar. I red the suggested links, they have been quite helpful.

If you "refuse to be psychologically abused and manipulated" then the prospect of divorce must take a higher place on the totem pole than you have presently assigned it.

You are afraid of how custody / visitation would pan out. Go see a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish what the facts would be in the event of a divorce. That information ought help you make an informed choice.

A read of "You Pay Now, the Kids Can Pay Later" might start you challenging your thinking about the effects of staying in a dysfunctional situation. There is also a plethora of information on the net about this subject for you to devour, and again, come up with an informed choice.

You have considered (but not yet acted on) the affair route. Enna30's story "Outsourcing Your Needs" would be further recommended reading for you on that one, again, to make sure you are making an informed choice

Lots of hard difficult and challenging choices are ahead of you. Make them on as informed a basis as you possibly can.

Tread your own path.

It would be so nice to have this response as a default go-to for many people visiting this site.