It Separates Me From Others.

I, just like you, live in a sexless marriage. Once this year, four times last year. Despite promises to change, it just, well, doesn't.

It's become a part of me. It's gotten to the point where arousal and ******* are not something to be shared. Not something to be talked about. It frustrates me to get turned on because unless I take care of it, it's not going to get taken care of.

I have a pretty healthy libido. The release is currently charging next to the bed.

I'm ashamed of this. I feel like if I was better in some way--thinner, more attractive, smarter.....just better--it wouldn't be this way. I feel like I can no longer relate to people around me.

He says there's nothing wrong with him, just no time, tired, etc.  But it's been 6 years of the same old excuses. The only times he's had a good sex drive is for a few months after we first met, and when he wanted me back after we separated.

Why don't I cheat? For one, I'm not sure I remember how to have sex. There's not been that many partners. And it's not like people beat down the door for me.

Why don't I leave? Convenience, I guess. I don't want to lose the house. I don't want my child with disabilities to regress so badly like they did when we did have a trial separation. I would also be embarrassed to be divorced twice.

So I'm just here....living in a sexless marriage.
ThatsJustMarvelous ThatsJustMarvelous
31-35, F
6 Responses Dec 8, 2012

TJM- there is nothing wrong with you its your husband that has the main issues from what I've just read. The denial that he's fine and nothing is wrong with him. That is what I thought for years, nothing is wrong with me I'm normal. Ha no I wasn't. I had low testosterone and a very confused, narrowed mind attitude toward sexual relations.

We all have our issues, we all have faults and the thing is if you can't stand and look yourself in the mirror and reflect and be honest with yourself about yourself then you'll never change. If we think nothing's wrong then there is nothing to work on or change. You have to admit your shortcomings. Every relationship has two and two share in the responsibility of the marriage and two have faults and flaws that need to be worked. 1st thing is admitting you are lacking that you do have some issues that need addressing and then put a plan into action. If one thing doesn't work then try another, and another, and another .......... It would be my advice to your husband to take a good hard look in that mirror. I was like your husband in not thinking there was anything wrong with me for a long time. I messed up terribly in our 27 yr marriage and have been dealing with the aftermath of my husbands affair ,for 3 yrs. If your husband loves you and wants to stay with you he needs to work on meeting in the middle at least for now. I promise you he does not want to go through your having another relationship with another man if love is present it will destroy your lives. It has ours for now still trying and working on it.

God Bless your Life and give you wisdom and strength - your husband too!

You must have some male friends that your husband hasn't met.And any man who likes fore play can bring out your sexual needs.You can still have your marriage and have your sexual satisfaction it might even make your marriage better.

When a child with special needs is involved, the business aspect of the SM comes more to the forefront--at least that's how it's working for me. Have you done a post-mortem of the separation to determine exactly what caused the offspring to regress? Are you thinking of alternative strategies that would prevent the regression?

Thinner or some vague sense of better will not solve the lack of intimacy. As the parent of a child with special needs, you already have a whole lot of "better"going on in the fortitude department.

It's entirely possible that a lawyer could spin any extra income you have as necessary to provide the extra care necessary to provide for the offspring. You won't know until you consult.

The parents of children with special needs do tend to experience a greater separation of duties along traditional gender roles. In my situation, I've found this basically negates our original premise for marrying.

As long as I am working towards an exit plan and taking charge of the long range planning for the offspring, things are generally manageable.

Not that you should be cheating, but you shouldn't expect anyone to beat down your door even after you are legally separated. It's a rough, competitive world, you get what you earn, in the best case. A (dis)solution of your current marriage, and a follow-up partner, are not going to drop into your lap, literally or figuratively. Whether you want to repair/renew this marriage, or cut and run, it's very hard work and much pain either way. Wish you all the strength you need during your emotional equivalent of a root canal.

Feeling ashamed and undesirable is completely normal. You're bound to feel like that, you're being repeatedly rejected and refused intimacy and sex. It's almost impossible to be rational about these things under this type of duress. I don't know you, so obviously can't be certain, but it's very likely you're a perfectly normal and ordinary person. Normal and ordinary people do desire each other, meet up, have sex, and with time and luck, form deeper relationships, become more intimate, fall in love... It's not as bleak as you think.

He appears to be holding all the cards here -
- but IS he ???

That is your job to find out.

There was a time when it got bad enough to separate. Part of your choice to go back was how your special needs kid re-acted. Maybe re-visit that. What did you learn out of it ? How would you manage / minimise any harm to your kid if you could do it over ?
Did he pull his weight with the kid before the separation ? How bout after the reconciliation ? Why not revisit this. With the right support, and with the lessons learned from attempt #1, it might be a far more viable option than you presently think.

You also need legal advice from a lawyer in your jurisdiction as to how a divorce would shake out for you. The financial support due you (relevant to above circumstance) may work in your favour big time. Well worth checking out.

The cheating option. I dunno about that. It ain't always a great fit for people. There's a story "Outsourcing Your Needs" here that is well worth a read. Have a look. See what you reckon.

YOU are holding just as many cards as he is. In fact - IF - you are prepared to leave, you are holding the Joker which trumps everything else.

I'm not saying "play that Joker". I am saying re-visit that last separation and see what you can learn out of it, check out your legal position, check out outsourcing. And, make INFORMED choices on the basis of the information you gather.

Or alternatively, do nothing. Enjoy the convenience, and the house.

Tread your own path.

Thank you for your advice. Definitely worth thinking over, and finding out information.The only thing he's not doing is sex and physical affection.

After the separation, he became a great father to our child. He took a giant cut in pay to work closer to home. Which means that now I make more money than he does, and would probably owe him financial support. Yuck.