CopingThis is just an update. No drama, nothing of epic proportions to report.
When I found EP more than a year ago, I was on the verge on a weight-loss surgery. The impending change challenged everything in my life. Including my marriage. My SM.
I am so grateful for this, as I got clear as to what is really going on in my marriage, and my priorities. We are in a major financial SNAFU, and a payment plan, which still has 13 months to go, plus tax ramifications, which are still unclear on how that is going to play out. After going round the mulberry bush, I ended up agreeing with myself to stay, at least until this financial mess is sorted.
In the meantime, I was putting a lot of energy into my kids, especially their academic performance. This is another long story with details I won't bore you with. But the short of it is, I took them out of "Dutch" school system and put them in a semi-private international school. Which meant, I spent the summer home schooling them in English, so they had a better chance of keeping up when they started last September. This new school is also a 45 minute commute with trains and bikes. All in all, a huge adjustment for them, and it has cost me a lot of time and energy. All very worth it. Nearly 4 months into school, things are settling down a bit, and I can see fruits of my efforts.
On the marriage front, I have chosen for the least dramatic path as possible. There has been enough turbulence between the surgery I had (resulting in over 110 pounds lost), the monthly grind to come good on our financial obligations, and school change for the kids.
I've just been keeping my head low, trying to stay off the rage-aholic's radar screen, which has reduced the number of outbursts. Basically, nothing has changed. This isn't my place long term, when we do have conversations about this, I don't mix my words about this. I also don't get overly emotional about it, just matter of fact. He still maintains he doesn't want a divorce, ever. He also maintains things will get better once we've gotten ourselves out of this mess. I don't believe it, yet honestly there is a small bit of hope that it's true. But this is nothing more than the hope a wife married to an alcoholic has, hoping that the last binge, was the last binge. And should the 'raging' stop, most likely it will bring with another host of problems, which I don't see myself having the patience for to deal with.
So, this is coping. Just coping at it's finest. If you've read enough stories on here, as I have, then you know it is anyone's guess as to how long this coping strategy will work, or if it will even work long enough to see us through the resolution of the financial predicament. Like this, you can call it gambling.
Within my 'coping' existence, I find joy and pleasure where I can. I find it in the small things, in the small successes. I avoid the drama without selling myself out, and keep myself focused on two main tasks, making it work financially, and getting and keeping my kids sorted academically. I try to get away as much as possible, nearly every school vacation with the kids. I'm getting pretty creative with low budget solutions, and those are my little paradises, it is what I live for and it recharges the batteries so I can deal with all the weeks in between school vacations.
Not overly exciting. Pretty boring actually. With one little side benefit. A likely exit plan on my part will included moving back to the states. With my girls being in this new school, they are now being taught in English, this will be one less change they will have to deal with, when the time comes. Especially for child #2, who has dyslexia, this is a huge plus, she needs this extra time to ramp her English up...
Now, the test of time, to see how long my coping strategy works. And one day, the full me will be alive, but for now, it's about doing the 'right' thing.