Ready To Give Up...

Where do I begin? Good lord. Is this going to help at all, or is it just more narcissistic trough food for my depression? Is that the problem?
My wife and I have sex maybe 4 times a year, and I ALWAYS initiate. In ten years of marriage, only one time did she initiate sex, and she was completely drunk at the time.
I ask for physical contact (ie: sexual contact) and I am told simply "No." If I try to initiate by touch, I am told to "Quit it."
My feelings on the matter are pretty clear, I have told her many times how I feel, how it hurts when she rejects me out of hand, how it makes me feel unloved.
It doesn't seem to matter to her. The next day after a confession like that, it's back to the same old thing...
I'm ready to quit, but I don't have anywhere to go. More importantly, I truly love her with everything I am, and I don't want to leave. But, what's the point of being with someone who doesn't believe in my happiness, or isn't willing to make any sacrifice to our relationship?
I don't know, I really don't.
Right now, she's off to sleep soundly in our bed, while I am out here on the computer confessing my problems to an electronic cloud, and drinking an old bottle of vodka.
So what do I do? Can anyone help me? Is it my fault (I am convinced it is, somehow)? I know there's no easy answers, but even a difficult one would be better than this limbo that I have been living in.
Twoshedsjackson Twoshedsjackson
41-45, M
11 Responses Dec 9, 2012

Welcome to our world. Sorry to hear you have to deal with this. I have found this group to be a great help. Hope you will as well. Blessings.

Diamonds are made with a combination of time and pressure. You love her, blame yourself for your situation. After some time and intense study you will realize changing your situation is impossible if you are the only one seeking the change.

A long sexless marriage is hell I would wish on no one. I recommend that you spend some time reading about sexless marriage, there is an abundance of information on the internet.. Knowledge will help you transition from lost and helpless to stronger and willing to do difficult things in order to bring about change in your life.

Good Luck!

Why do you feel it's your fault?

Like the Python nod!

You answered your own question...."what's the point of being with someone who doesn't believe in my happiness?" I asked that same question right before finding EP. Keep reading stories/ may just find the answer you are looking for. I found that there is no point. I deserve to be happy. As far as the "there's no place to go." For me, that was my fear talking. There's always a way out...always. You have to decide if you can endure what it is....because it may never change.

Love the Monty Python reference.

Get yourself some self-esteem and recognize that this love is one-sided...

Ask yourself "does she love me back"?
I don't see any indication in your post that she loves you, but I also recognize that you are not trying to write a whole novel.

If she is just saying the words, but doesn't really mean it, then you won't have anything to build upon to try to save this relationship.

It is clear that you are willing to do something to save the relationship, is she? Can you provide some insight into what you think her side of the story might be?

Sounds as if she has you exactly where she wants you, irrespective of the reason for it.

It seems awfully unlikely, but it 'could' be your fault (or any one of 000's of "whys" often seen on these pages).
For arguements sake, let's say it is. What earthly differenece would that make to your dysfunctional situation ?
For a counterpoint, let's say NONE of it is your fault. Your marriage is still just as dysfunctional as the "your fault" position.

Blame apportioning is a fruitless passtime. Along with chasing another persons "whys". They are two things we'd all do well to drop like a bad habit.

What you've got here is a spouse (who for reasons known only to herself - and maybe not even known to her) is intimacy averse to you.Presumably this has been the case for at least a couple of years, so it is entrenched behaviour. That is now her 'normal' / 'natural' behaviour toward you.
Number of people who could attempt to change her position ?? One. Her.
Number of other people who can change her position ?? None
History of her showing any sign of attempting to change her position ?? Nothing sustained.

Your immediate question is if this is a dealbreaker for you - whether you have 'no-where else to go' or not. If you have to, you CAN find somewhere else to go. I'd be starting to think about that real soon.

Meantime, you'd do well to consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see how a divorce would shake out for you. From that information you can start the long arduous task of making informed decisions, which is the only way you will get out of Dodge.

Tread your own path.

i only read that no one can fix it. i left my 19 year marriage. i regret not doing it sooner. pay close attention to whether there is any improvement, check in frequently with yourself. i spent about a dozen years,hoping, working on it, trying to improve anything about myself that could be issue. after i had an affair, and remembered what it was like to be desired, that was the end of the marriage. not to be with the other man, but i don't want to live like that anymore

Yeah know when to leave! She just not into you so find someone who is. How can you love someone who does not really love you. It makes me wonder if you just hanging around her because of fiancial reasons. If so get out and find a realitive to stay with.

Sounds like my life or is that wife. I only had about a one month window twenty eight years ago. Now I've gone over to the dark side and just started cross dressing. For me personal it's been fun and helpful. My wife shakes her head at what I'm doing. I can credit her for pushing me over the cliff. Without which I would still be totally straight: maybe! So sad for you though; good luck pal.