Is It Me?

Lately, due to talking with friends that I have made here, I have had to come to the realization that I am at least part of the problem. Maybe a big part of the problem.

My wife has from time to time complained that I am over critical of her and that it damages her self esteem and that is why she doesn't want sex.  Easy to brush off on my part as yet just another excuse.  I recently had a conversation with a friend on here and she used the very same words to describe the hurt that she felt from her husband for the very same actions that I was prone to.  It was very difficult to hear her describe what she considered to be an abusive relationship with the man she loved and how it made her hate and love him at the same time.  The sex stopped and the marriage ended.

Maybe in the end it will turn out that I really am just the nice guy that I thought I was and that I am blameless and therefore helpless.  I really doubt that I will find that to be the case.

If you love your partner then at least consider the possibility that you are not without the power to make a change within yourself that might benefit both of you.
riley7253 riley7253
56-60, M
9 Responses Dec 9, 2012

You are truly a nice guy. You know in your heart that is true. Dont get sucked in to the lie... Xxxxxx

Maybe it's not too late to mend some fences. The hardest part is recognizing your faults. The second hardest is fixing them. I had to make some mid course corrections myself in married life, and things have never been better. You'll have to much more than try, but maybe if you succeed you'll be in for a pleasant surprise. Good luck my friend.

Life is all about course corrections.

I have come to a similar conclusion. My H and I finally had a talk that made some sense. He said, "Why would I want to bang someone who won't even sit next to me on the couch?" He then gave very specefic examples of times I have ignored him, and I couldn't deny them. Several years ago, life was hectic with me working 2 jobs. I would often fall asleep with one of the children. Or there were times I would be up grading or lesson planning. Before either of us noticed, sex dwindeled.

Before anyone says he is just trying to blame me, I am not taking ALL the blame here, just admitting my part. He seems to be taking some action as well.

It is common to feel this kind of doubt. Most of us denied will own our pieces of the debris of our marriage. But it's good to know the boundaries. After years of mending my mind, I know I am far from abusive, but I am not "soft" or gentle (not even with my employees or colleagues) --- although I am regarded as fair and objective. Those traits are more important to me than to get regular, or any sex at all. So if something antagonistic needed to be told to my wife, I did it while working to minimize any unnecessary unpleasantness. Yes, it may have had the effect of desiccating her vagina. But chances are, she would not experience ****** even with Nimbus 9000 vibrators. (She probably does not even know that women use vibrators. If she does, she views such women in a very poor light.) So find the boundaries of owning your share, and then live in peace.

my husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. It is crippling. If you are criticising your wife on a daily basis with a drip, drip, drip of self-esteem eroding acid, then you need to own that and do something about it. I applaud you for considering that this may be a problem. My husband won't even acknowledge that he's doing this to me and now to our son.

Will it make her want sex again? Who knows? But even if this doesn't work out, you have a better chance of having another healthy relationship at some future date.

While I agree that it takes two to make a relationship work I also know that it takes TWO to work on the problem. I know that I am far from perfect but I can't make my relationship with my husband better all by myself. I wish I could get hime to see how much I love him and how much we need to work on our relationship. I love him but I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life. I have learned from past relationships that sometimes its better to be alone and happy then with someone and unhappy.

That is a great perspective. :)

Rare indeed is the blameless spouse in a dysfunctional marriage.

All you can ever do is own your own ****.

Example.Lets say you are "over critical". As part of your personal growth that is something you would be working on (among assorted other things). You would be working on such things for no other reason than to become a more rounded and better person.

Inevitably, as you work on, and improve aspects of yourself, there are flow on effects to people in your orbit.

Tread your own path.

We are also all complicit in teaching people what we will tolerate. I have very thin lines of behavior that I will tolerate from a romantic interest now that I've been through an abusive marriage. Just as you have some part in perhaps being overly critical of her, she has a part in accepting it and not demanding better treatment. I know because I was like your wife in my marriage.

What I have noticed while dating is simple... people take their cues about how wonderful you are and how much respect you deserve by how much you expect and how wonderful YOU think you are. If someone starts acting a little less than gracious with me, now I simply walk away. They either shape up and come and find me or they let me leave. Either way, the only people left treat me well.

Every dynamic takes 2 people to create. Even abuse. It's not abuse if someone says something mean and you walk away from them with your head held high. That's leaving a situation with bad behavior, not tolerating abuse.

"Every dynamic takes 2 people to create. Even abuse." I would say especially abuse... “If someone betrays you once, it’s their fault; if they betray you twice, it’s your fault.” and "People Will Treat Us How We ALLOW Them To" some interesting information bellow

Sorry to choose other peoples words, but it seems everything already said by someone somewhere sometime ago... :)