"it's Not That I Am Not Attracted To You.. I Am Not Attracted To Anyone"

That's what he said to me last night. I am not even sure how to take that. His levels have been tested and they were "within the normal range". I am frustrated and his lack of interest is taking away from my interest.. with him anyway. Who wants to try to have sex with someone who is just not into it?

Last night I went out with a few girlfriends.. looked hot.. came home.. sat on his lap and started to make out with him and he was just not into it AT ALL :( God.. how much I would love to straddle the lap of a guy that actually WANTED me to.

Tonight at dinner with some friends I sort of told them a little bit about how we were having problems and they all were shocked..I told them he had little interest in sex and one of them goes "WHAT?? But you are the HOT wife!!" That doesn't make me feel any better. I know they don't understand but I am so sick of hearing how their husbands want it ALL THE TIME. They told me I could have their husbands.. little do they know..haha.

I keep thinking I need to go on anti depressents so I can deal with all this... and not be tempted to have another affair. I have two guys friends that keep hitting on me and I don't have anything but platonic feelings for both of them. But I worry. I don't know if I am truly depressed or just depressed by the SITUATION. If I still am living in the "hangover" of the affair and I will start to feel better. But then again the sex stuff with the husband doesn't seem to be improving. It has its moments where it seems like he is trying but then, like last night.. I start to doubt again. I am confused. He doesn't need to want it ALL the time.. But we are just so different. Besides the fact that he would be find never have sex ever again.. even when we do have it is is SO VANILLA. I try to spice things up.. I will do ANYTHING for him if it turns him on.. and he acts like I am a freak or I scare him. :( That does wonders for my self esteem as you can imagine.

I am YOUNG! I shouldn't have to be going through this. I am so scared I am going to wake up at 40 or 50 or older and it will be too late. I don't want to live with regrets.
Thatwasntme Thatwasntme
11 Responses Dec 9, 2012

**** honey, dump him. Your last paragraph says it all.

its sounds like an affair for you would NOT be hard to find, I would suggest you find other candidates then the ones in your friend circle. I am sure there are plenty of willing guys in you area that are wiling to help you out. I am not sure whats wrong with your hubby most of us on here will kill for a wife like you that is willing

He may have intimacy issues. He may have been abused and you not know it.

I related well to your situation. I was a ladies man and a looker that married a good girl. With in hours of " I DO" I got my first of thousands not tonight. After eight and one half years my SO also told me that "sex doesn't validate our relationship and that I need to just stop bothering her about sex". Its been 20 years since she made those comments to me. I no longer bother her about sex. We don't talk about it or anything of substance in our relationship.<br />
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I have done the affair thing, it doesn't help. It will expose the problems in your marriage but you still have to deal with them.<br />
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Life is long!!!! I wish I had stopped this marriage before kids came along. Now I have two more years until they are in college and I can leave. I am the guy that woke up in my 40s and realize that a big part of my life was gone in a very cold, loveless marriage. I am the person you fear becoming in your story. Don't have kids!!!! Seek a resolution even if the solution is to part ways. Divorce may sound extreme now but 20 years in a dead, sexless marriage and divorce will be your favored option.<br />
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Good Luck !

I don't think you should beat yourself up over being tempted to have an affair. While it may not be the answer, it only goes to show that people NEED intimate touch. They NEED to feel loved, wanted, and appreciated. Logically, if you can't get that from your husband, what other thoughts are you to have? It is only human for you to feel that way.
On the other side of the coin, I have to wonder at two possible points here: perhaps he himself is having an affair and he is lying about not being turned on by anyone, or he is simply gay and not admitting it. Sex within a marriage is not about sex. It's about a sharing that is born of love for the person you are married to. Making love transcends sex. I wish you the best of luck and as everybody else has said: remember we are here for you.

He doesn't know about the affair. This all started before the affair happened.

My wife said the same to me. My advice is to stop focussing on your husband and look at your own perceptions and dreams. Your 'vision' is different to his. He is man enough not to lie as was my wife, that leaves you with your own terrible choices. Stay and live in a sexless marriage and take the soul sapping results or leave, take the pain and move on to try and fulfil your own 'vision'. It sucks.

Your journey is in your own head now

It is SO hard because other than the intimacy and sex stuff we get along fine. He is a great father.. he works hard for our family. But we are mostly just really good friends.

As i said, the battle is in your head now. You just said it yourself, your good friends. The reality is 'you are good friends' and your vision and dream is to be more. The reality of it sucks. The choices you have suck. The reality is if we do not make a choice then things stay the same, the refusing spouse has exactly what they want and we do not. This also sucks.

A lot of sucking going on here... Lol

Good luck

Thank you everyone for your responses. We have two kids which makes it harder. Not sure what I will do.

Listen to the advice here. We are telling you the truth. Your H told you the truth..which is much more than most of us ever got! Your story is mine except I was 17yrs old and now I am 48. If I had known what my journey was going to be I would have got out.

My marriage has made a turnaround. You may see that on other post I have made.

Please understand ....I am happy its turned around since I have 30 years invested here but IF I WERE YOU...NO CHILDREN...I would GET OUT.

We are here for you.

I'm with Gibby....everything you wrote was me at the beginning of the marriage at age 24. I'm now 38....and finally leaving. Nothing changed. So my advice is obvious as well.

I see that you are in therapy. That's good, because dysfunctional marriages **** with your head, get you thinking weird ****, get you making uninformed choices - which then feed back into the dysfunctional loop.

Therapy may help you bust that circle, and get you back on the path of more 'normal' thinking. And, THAT is the only thing that is going to resolve this dysfunctional situation. YOU making choices that are in YOUR best interests

These choices need to be as informed as you can make them, so you need information that you presently don't have.

High on that list ought be legal advice about how a divorce would shake out in your jurisdiction. Your story indicates very strongly that this is where you are headed, if not all but there already. You need information to make an informed choice. You need a network of friends who can help you through such an event if it proves to be the only method of resolution.

Your husband obviously has his own issues. It would be nice if he was of a mind to work on those - as he's the only one who can fix his issues - but there doesn't seem to be any evidence of such willingness.

This is going to be down to you to resolve, by your obligation to make informed choices. I doubt that your marriage will survive that process.

Tread your own path.

...and I was a hot husband (well... possibly not...). I'll give you standard feedback for here, but mainly because it makes sense. If you don't have kids already (sounds like you don't), it's a good idea not to - if things aren't looking like they're going to be satisfactory in the long term. <br />
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Kids are lovely by the way...<br />
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Think about whether you can live like this long term. If you can't, do something about changing it. <br />
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The sad reality is that your partner might not be able to change. Give him a chance. But don't hang on for an indeterminate length of time. Think in terms of how long,milestones, and, much as it may be difficult, try to decide when you need to cut your losses.

We have two small children. If we didn't, I am sure I would probably be gone by now.