Doing My HomeworkBesides working on sexual intimacy with my wife and her being a more active partner I have been looking into reasons for my anger and depression that is complicating everything. Yes, I do have underlying issues and will be discussing that in counseling. Perhaps it is too late though.
As I've mentioned before, I was a virgin until 29 when I met my wife. I think that was a singular and unusual event especially now that I've done some reading about involuntary celibacy.
An extreme difficulty obtaining romantic partners, to the point of not being able to obtain any at all
Extreme anxiety, awkwardness, and difficulty relating to romantic courtship situations, like asking someone out
Generalized social anxiety that inhibits your potential and limits your ability to thrive
Lack of friends, or a small number of close friends, and a difficulty in forming friendships with people
A lack of interest in forming friendships, and social interactions, with the only real desire being that of obtaining a partner
A feeling of being "left out" and alienated from society, and people in general
Well, some of that was me, in spades. Probably because having an inability to understand social cues for interest, I withdrew. In fact, even after having a wonderful three days on the road with my wife when we first met, and sharing a tent at the end of it (by happenstance more than design) I was so primed for rejection that I heard NO when she said YES.
So, what does that have to do with my current feelings of feeling rejected or not desired? Maybe again I am not reacting to cues, perhaps it is the feeling of never being able to "catch up". And, nowadays things that are reminders of what I lacked from puberty to 29 act as a trip wire. I am getting angry to the point where real violence is possible. I now have entrusted my shotgun, rifles, and pistol to a friend who lives 6 hours away. I have not read enough yet to determine the permanent effects of what I had gone through and what I am feeling.
But, perhaps that is the crux of things, even as my life has improved, the deficit that I've experienced is making me less of a companion, friend, and lover to my wife. Maybe it will be for the best if I end the marriage before I start putting people in danger.