I Feel Like It's Impossible To Leave.

We only have sex once or twice a month. We're too young for the sex to be going downhill...we're only 23! He works overnight and it seems to have aged him..ALL he wants to do is sleep when he's home, even on his nights off.

We have so many other issues and we've been trying to work on them. We've been together since we were 16, we've grown apart. There is also friction because I'm white and he's Samoan..we were raised to differently and we really are the exact opposite or each other. When we first got together I knew about our differences, but I was so infatuated with him that I decided to look past all the flaws. I could go into all of that right now, but that's a whole other story. I'd be writing a book and nobody would read the whole thing haha. Just know that we have a lot of differences, our sex life is ****** and I'm miserable. We've been going to counseling and trying to change...I've been completely unhappy for the past 3 years and I've busted my *** trying everything to make this marriage work.

The only thing holding me back is our 5 year old son. He deserves the world, he deserves his parents together. My world revolves around him and only him. I am a stay at home mom. I went to school for a few semesters but never got my degree. I wanted to go for something in the medical field. But I felt guilty every time I elft my son's side to I just decided to stay home with him. He's in pre-k now so I have some time to myself and I do want to go back to school. But I don't know how I can leave my husband. I'll need to get a full time job to support my son and myself...which means I probably won't have time for school. I feel like such an idiot for not finishing years ago..I could've had my degree by now. I'm so dependent on my husband and I honestly don't know where to start to gain independence and leave him. I feel so STUCK. Plus the statistics of kids of divorce scare me. I don't want my son to regress in school, misbeahve more, feel sad or any of those other things. My mom knows about my situation and she wants me to come live with her because she has a few extra bedrooms. But I am an adult with a child..I'd feel so guilty moving back in with my mom. My pride is gone..I'm just so humiliated about this whole situation. We got together when we were teens. When I found out I was pregnant we had the whole "lets prove them wrong" mindset. Well, everyone was right. We're another statistic. We didn't last.

I'm just so confused. I don't know if I should stay or leave. Get a job or go to school. I feel lost.
BlueJ88 BlueJ88
22-25, F
3 Responses Dec 10, 2012

If you get along with your mom I would encourage you to live with your mom AND go back to school while you are living there. This would help you & your son's future a great deal. Wile living with your mom you would be doing something positive for your future. Believe me, school will go by so quickly...before you know it you will be out & ready to hold a full time job. In the meantime find you a part time job (if your mom will help you with babysitting) & get in school. The medical field (especially nursing) is great, there is a lot of need for nurses. (I have my nursing degree & am getting my nurse practitioner this year, I have never wanted for a job). Do not be ashamed your marriage didn't work. It sounds like you have tried your best but one person alone cannot save a marriage. I myself am @ this place & am in the process of telling myself that my daughter (4yrs) is better with me being happy instead of losing my temper as I do now because I'm so frustrated with my husband, & she is not seeing a loving/affectionate couple. If you decide to leave this marriage, take it as a learning experience. When we date, through each boyfriend we break up with we take the good & bad of their personalities & chuck it away in our brains as to what we do & don't want in a future mate. Sounds like you were like me, didn't date enough (I got married @ 18)....didn't have time to fully develop what I would & wouldn't put up with. And truthfully, it never entered my mind that their was sexless marriages, I always thought sex was a give. Keep strong, use your support system (your mom & friends), & better yourself with education (whether you stay OR go, investing in your education is always a good idea). Living with your mom may add some salve to your wounds, being able to have the emotional support she can give you. I hope you have a mother who is supportive, if so you are very lucky & should take advantage of that. God Bless :)

Ah. Now you must start to live for YOURSELF, not to "prove anyone wrong".

We all make big mistakes in life. It's how we deal with the fall-out that shows true grace in a person.

You have a child. That child will be affected. I put it to you that your child will be much MORE affected by a miserable mother, a tense household, a miserable father, than by living with two households where both parents are doing their best to love him and bring him up right, working togehter as best as possible as co-parents.

Re-read Esjey's comment below. She escaped a truly hideous spouse to start again. She's gained some true wisdom, and you'd be wise yourself to learn from her life lessons.

PS: I had a friend who got pregnant at 14. She's now 40, has a nursing degree, and has two more children (from a much better spouse in her late 20's), and a happy life. There is much hope for you, but not if you stagnate forever whrere you are.

Now you must start to live for YOURSELF, not to "prove anyone wrong".
Exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you so much

This bit in your story speaks volumes - "We have so many other issues".

So it ain't just the sex. There is some deeper dysfunction(s).

Fortuitessly, a recent story "Basic Mismatch" has just been poted. Have a read of it and see what you think.

Next, have a read of "You Pay Now, the Kids Can Pay Later" in regard to the benefits or otherwise to kids involved in a dysfunctional relationship. See if anything resonates for you there.

Finally, rule out NOTHING. You have a supportive mother. Might be just the ticket to give you a bit of breathing space, to sort out your thinking, gather information, and make informed choices. It would also provide your spouse with a bit of space to do likewise, if he is so inclined.

Your future DOES need to involve finishing your education. It DOES need you to have a job. It DOES need a safe and functional atmosphere for your kid. It does NOT, necessarily mean that your spouse is in this picture.

Tread your own path.

I read "you pay now, the kids can pay later" and it made me look at this with a whole new perspective. Thank you.