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I've Tried Everything Please Help Me!!!!!!

Okay, hi everyone. Like everyone here, I've scoped the group and can relate to most if not all of them. I'd really really appreciate your help, all comments will be read and taken into consideration, even if you're not in this position.

Where do I start. I'm 21 years old, my boyfriend is 30yrs, we've been together for 3 years, met online; long distance for first year and have lived together for 2yrs. The first year was very rocky, issues with distance but had contact and sex often, even over the phone n skype. Before started living together we had some major problems; an abortion, law suit (not my doing), redundancy etc. and the sex dwindled, to weekly then monthly then bimonthly :(. He was seeing some about his stress at work and law suit (which is now settled) and we both thought his libido drop was to do with this.

Since moving in together the sex was none existent and I was the only one making a move. After a year of this, I began to get very upset about it. He wouldn't touch me, would move away when I touched him, would only kiss me on the forehead instead of lips, wrap himself up tightly in blankets so I couldn't touch his pee pee, then he'd say I was too hot (temp), he was tired, he'd just eaten. I tried to make advances in the mornin, would sleep ontop on the duvet to cool myself down for him, tried underwear, music, suggested different rooms times to have sex. Really made every effort I could for him. As I am very vocal with my feelings I let him know about how I was feeling rejected and how I've got a lower self esteem (image/attractiveness) because of his lack of libido. He said he was sorry and knew how I felt but didn't want to say anything because he thought it'd get better once he got a job.

He now has a job and with court case being long settled I thought things would get better... BUT then he started a new routine excuse of needing the toilet as soon as he got hard after me touching him, which I understood, but then he would disappear after flushing the toilet and head downstairs, leaving me ready to go, with a complete WTF feeling. I would complain, then he would accuse me of being childish and that "he really needed the toilet and can't control it". Recently he has been staying on his computer late a night with lots of tabs open, saying I just want to read this last page, then I'm all yours, with me just touching him while he reads them. I again tried to explain what I was doing and that, he was essentially rejecting me, but this time calmly instead of whinging. He explained that he was still stressed and I want sex more than him, but it's because I'm young and he'll try more.

After weeks of this, I said I can't touch him anymore, I overthink how he touches me in response, whether it's a cue and I feel upset and unattractive with his constant rejection. He said I was being silly and I'm being unsensitive to his stress and that I couldn't feel as if I can't touch him. So I suggested we talk about what could be stressing him out or that he/we should talk to someone. His response was he couldn't see someone with me as he's uncomfortable talking to me about it and he'll see someone on his own(…He hasn't).

Anyway, as I continued to feel rejected-unattractive, I began to feel jealous to who he would talk to or have an interest in. A month ago I found that through facebook (FB) he was contacting girls, who look similar to me and saw comments on their pictures of how "amazingly beautiful" he thought they were. I was heartbroken. I confronted him and we partially resolved it- I decided to unfriend him and not stalk him and he said he wouldn't do that again and would unfriend the girls and that he was sorry. But even today I still feel jealous, he still pays more attention to his laptop than to me and he is still friends with the other girls.

Although the solution didn't work, were now abit more open about our activity on FB. However the NO sex issue is still there. He hasn't seen anyone about it and has said he doesn't want to and that I'm pressuring him, he's called me a slag, fiend, nympho, I make sarcastic comments about sex scenes on tv, it's a mess. We sleep at opp ends of the bed and whenever he touches me I feel like he's teasing me.

Last night I said that he needed to see someone or try and come up with a solution, he didn't have any idea what to do, and said he wouldn't be able to see anyone until february because of xmas. I said what's going to happen in the mean time, he said thats my issue and I'm the one with a problem with our relationship and that he had to go to work. I was speechless.

Icalled my best friend and I am staying at theirs tonight.

What should I do, should I wait until feb? try n be supportive? or should I give up and come to the realisation ( after reading so many of your stories) that he won't change????

Please please respond and help me, I don't really have anyone else I can ask, its such a personal issue and anonymity really helps- although I think i'll try and talk to my friend about it tonite.

Thank you for taking the time to read this (sorry this is sooo long) x
petiteBrit1 petiteBrit1 18-21, F 26 Responses Dec 10, 2012

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I hope you have left him by now it seems like he is cheating on youand he just don't have the courage to end it

Hi everyone, I was hoping to reply to your responses individually, but there's more than I can keep up with at the mo. Again thank you for all your advice. Heres what's been happening so far:

1. I've made some steps towards self help and really looked into pages on jealousy, insecurity and positive thinking on Psychology today. I have to say I feel much better for it. But if I really need to, I'll see a professional.

2. My career is set, I applied for my dream job 3 weeks ago and got it, ready and waiting for me when I graduate (Scientist Aid worker, with a charity abroad - go me !).

And 3.

What you're all waiting to hear:

I am still with him. We had a major talk/argument. Things were said that really hit home, such as my attitude towards his problem and I agreed I was very negative and sarcastic as he had been also. So that's where the Psychology today came in.

Ultimatums were also made, by me, and he's stuck by each and every one of them to my surprise. Although he was reluctant at first, he deleted the 'friends' I mentioned, not because I felt threatened but mainly so I could put that whole issue to bed and informed that I wouldn't stalk his FB or tell him who he can and can't be friends with, but will be flagging up any concerns I have with him.

He saw someone on Wednesday about his libido and I'm hopeful. Intimacy and sex hasn't returned yet, only had this talk a few days ago, so will give him/us a chance. I can understand if you all think this is a terrible idea, but I don't want to be unreasonable and I do love him and he says he loves me and wants it to work.

So do I.

I will keep you posted, I've not disappeared.

Hopefully my next story won't be titled "What was I thinking!!!"

Toodles X

Okay, so just going through what you've all said below, I'm already starting to regret my choice :( Why is it so hard!!!

Why r u going through this with a boyfriend not HUSBAND but boyfriend. Do you like the rejection?

You wrote: "I'm 21 years old, my boyfriend is 30yrs, we've been together for 3 years..." Divorce him and get on with your life. Just leave this guy. I am decades older than you are and I KNOW you are WASTING your young life. Find someone who will LOVE you. Period.

You've not said even one positive thing about this man or the relationship. Why are you still with him exactly?

Gibbysan just gave me an idea with the age difference. You were 18 and he 27 when you both met. I could be wrong but this says to me he only likes young girls if you know what I mean. You need to leave him and start living your life. You deserve so much more than you're letting yourself have. Good luck and I hope you find the courage to take control.

You seriously need to dump this loser and find a real guy who will respect you!

You are young and have a (hopefully) long life ahead of you. Please do not waste any more of your time with this man. It isn't just that your'e missing out on sex -- a very important part of life -- you are missing out on having a good relationship. His behavior does not exhibit caring for you and your needs. His labeling you as a nympho shows no respect for you.

If he had some physical or emotional problem with sex, but committed to work on it, and was respectful of your needs and feelings, I would answer you differently. But he didn't and he isn't, and so I don't.

In case you think it is hard to move on now, imagine that you make the mistake and stay with him. What happens when he treats you and your needs this way after you have 20 years invested and share several children?

Even if he can not/ will not have sex with you for what ever reason: considering spinal cord injuries even... I have met couples where one spouse has had medical issues and the injured spouse is sweet and loving even though they can not actually participate well or much in sexual acts. He is verbally abusive, when he could be demonstrative, loving and kind to you. He is nasty to you. Talking down to you and calling you names whilst ogling young pretty girls? Enough. You better take some stock of yourself as to why you are staying. You are in an abusive relationship that will only get much worse. First, please open a new credit union or bank account and make very certain your money is totally separate from his. Next get a storage facility and slowly move your valuables into it, worry about the nonreplacables: photo albums, jewelry, costly items. DO NOT under any circumstances tell him what you are doing. Secure your things that mean something to you. Find another apartment you can afford. Not in your current neighborhood. Go to counseling to get yourself strong mentally and emotionally. We females tend to over analyze and consider ourselves to blame for others faults and problems. The women in your family made their own choices. You make your own choices for you. Period. Not them or this abusive man. Go concentrate on your career, explore new interests and hobbies and before you know it you will meet a wonderful man, meant for you.

Thank you for your advice, I do over analyse things. I've made some steps towards self help and really looked into pages on jealousy, insecurity and positive thinking on Psychology today. I have to say I feel much better for it. But if I really need to, I'll see a professional. My career is set, I applied for my dream job 3 weeks ago and got it, ready and waiting for me when I graduate (Scientist Aid worker, with a charity abroad- go me yey!). Again thsank you for your response, I hope i dont sound sarcastic, but looking at how much you wrote and what you've written means alot to me x

You should not be with a man who does not want to show undeniable affection and security he is your man right so why wouldnt he I know sex isn't every thing but its a natural form of intimacy that you are supposed to have normaly he seems very selfish and is taking advantage of your passive and caring nature every couple goes through problems but it doesn't seem he has that much reason to make you feel less than abd unappreciated so good have the talk but if HE doesn't try to compromise why should you good luck.:)

Sweetie at your young age and with no children involved RUN. Believe me as you get older it will only get worse.

As a man myself this guy is obviously a Grade 1 Tool who is emotionally and mentally abusive to boot. Not to mention most likely a cheat.

Its not rocket science what he is up to on the computer all the time, most likely facebook, chats, ****, dating sites, etc.

You just cant see it as you are emotionally wrapped up in the bullshit he is putting you through.

At your age i me and my wife were rooting at least twice a day. RUN.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

The whole catastrophe reads like a facebook saga.

Look, this is as simple as ****. He is a drone. Dump him.

Tread your own path.

He is brainwashing you... If you don't run he will destroy your self esteem completely... Yes... "many men don't have as high a sex drive as I think", but much more do... and you need to choose from the latter... Many men have a fantastic sex drive in their 50s and later... You don't need 30yo eunuch... and (if you don't mind IMHO) please don't fall for these long distance relationship again... It seems a lot of similar problems arise from it... Young man(generally) would not waste months and years on skype talk... He wants real sex quite quickly and regular...

whats IMHO lol. But yeah I know my own confidence and emotional problems are creeping up now.

"In My Humble Opinion" Yes... confidence... After few years I started to ask myself if I am crazy or what... Its name is "Slow Cooking" ...little by little, bit by bit(almost unnoticeable) you will be striped off of all confidence... You will learn,that your way of thinking is wrong(his is the right),your opinion is not important and with so useless approach to life you won't survive without HIM... as nobody(how he knows!) will want you, so stick to him... and you will start to believe... Then you will have children and everything will be much more complicated...

Okay, so friend bailed on me, was waiting 1 hour n a half and finally decided to go home (I literally have no were to run to). I called another friend and they actually said I was being a bit insensitive and maybe selfish wanting sex more than once a month and I was pressuring him to see someone about a very personally issue. Also that i shouldn't read posts on the internet.

so when he comes home tonight were going to have to talk, AGAIN, I have this horrible feeling that I'll just listen/trust the excuse he comes up with. But then again I do have a choice, I have feet, why can't I walk (RUN)????

Sorry,it is not my business, but are you sure they are your friends? Friends are not for judging, but for help and accepting...

If you lived in the US, i would offer you a place to stay to save you the years of misery a sexless marriage will give you down the road. But no one quite wants to live in MN right now, darn snow storms...what about your family? Cousins?

Hiya guys;

fullmoon, I've posted hear so I can get advice from you- you guys are my friends now lol. I obviously can't trust the ones I've got to support me.

Angel; All fam live in another town, I'm going for the holidays though- without him. thanks for your offer, an last minute escape to the US sounds good x

Angry guy: "Why date someone who makes you feel horrible?" I ask myself this aaaalllllll the time, seriously. But theres always a BUT. I need a slap in the face. When I told my sister about this - not in great detail as Im not that comfortable telling her this, I don't even say "sex" or "breasts" around her loool- she one time asked me " Am I waiting for him to cheat before I leave? It's a really good point and I'm scared to say I probably am. As I said I need a slap in the face!!

Oh and the friend who effectively told me off about pressuring him was a guy.

1 More Response

Too much energy spent on the relationship, the man. I see tons of women doing this with guys that aren't worth it. This is an abusive relationship. period.

Any guy that would order you to kill your child because it is inconvenient for him to be a father doesn't deserve you. I am not anti-abortion but it should ALWAYS be the womans choice. Dump this turd. Sorry to be so harsh...

Thats a whole other story, but thanks your not being harsh ur being honest x

-----"he's called me a slag, fiend, nympho"

Dump him.

He is denigrating your sexuality in the most offensive of ways.

STOP focusing on him and his assorted maladies.STOP all seductive efforts to help you get some distance and to get to thinking right about this toxic situation.

He is a loser in the intimate department (for you anyway). He has erected so many barriers to keep you at arms length - imagine a lifetime of that crap.

Give him what he really wants and needs - a large distance between you and him.

Please, PLEASE do not waste any more time with this guy. Marriage and kids will only make things worse and make you more trapped. I met my husband at 18, married at 21 and a baby less than a year later. Now, I am 28 with 2 kids who I adore, but trapped in a sexless marriage. RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN. *hugs* You deserve so much more and you CAN do better, and you will.

thanks for the hugs, Angel. I reallly could do with one. Its so hard, not having anyone physical/appropriate to talk to.

Listen to us PLEASE.. We are telling you what you NEED TO HEAR.

GET OUT!
DONT WAIT...GET OUT!

We are here for you.

p.s. I loved reading your story with all the British lingo :) I used to live in England and miss it. :) Take care x

Thanks LynLee, I love how blunt you are.

p.s. I like my british lingo too, but hate when my american computer spell checks my Queens English lol - everyone knows realisation is spelt with an 's'!!

LOL..my American computer always spells checks my words as well... colour, favour, etc etc.. lol

I remember someone told me their language was American..hahaha..NOT..Had to enlighten them :)

oh ..and I am American.. I still use my British lingo words..I still go to the "loo" and my house is a 'tip" literally. I need to get off here and clean it! lol

Hope to get to know you more :)

You will ;) But now my BF has come home n I have to quickly come up with something to say, sometimes I feel he doesn't believe my 'threats' or reasoning ...I wish I had a wire. ok ok, i'll be back.

Thanks guys for all your help x

EP will help you find the words to say..its really not that hard for your situation ..
I AM LEAVING. GOODBYE.

I know its easy to say, harder to do.

Hoping all is going well and you find your path.

LISTEN TO US! :)

2 More Responses

No kids? Young? Lace those running shoes!

Just the fact that you feel committed where you are is a HUGE concern. You really should see a GOOD therapist about your life choices and why you are having such difficulty. I hear you that this feels incredibly hard. I really think 95% of us feel your choice is obvious. There may be reasons beyond lack of life experience causing you not to see the obvious. I think a bit of help will send you in a healthy direction full of promise.

But first... RUN!

Thanks for you're reply chroniccalm.

I think the commitment I have for him/our relationship has mainly been because of the amount of women in my family and social group who have not got a good guy. They also have very distorted views on what they want; certain race, job, religion, car…and are generally quite superficial, with an attitude of "what he can do for me rather than what they can do for a guy". I don't want to end up like them. I want to be realistic and I guess work at a problem rather than "running away" (as my boyfriend put's it). When I had the abortion he told me that if I had the child, he would leave as he wasn't ready and I would be alone and no one would want me and that I would regret losing him, because I'd end up like my sisters/cousins etc. It was silly of me to listen, but I must of been influenced by the other women I've seen and know, who are much older than me and complain about not having a good "man". I know I need to see someone, as I have a very bad self image/worth now, but when suggesting to my bf that I should leave n sort my self out because of this, he says I'm being silly and that I can still work on myself with him and that it'd be easier with someone else, as it'd be much worse (my self esteem) on my own.

"I want to be realistic and I guess work at a problem rather than "running away" -------

Sure, but this is his problem; not yours. He has stated his case plainly. Believe him, and believe yourself.

You are young, not married, and seriously don't need to put up with this crap. You don't even have to get into blame and pathology. There is no worthwhile reason to continue it.

As someone, although of the opposite sex, who has experienced a barron 20 years, in a physical sense, with a women i love dearly but who see's holding hands as a loving relationship. It has torn me apart and although things have improved in the last year it has taken 20 years for my wife to admit something was wrong.

Don't risk it walk now, i can guarantee things will get a lot worse before they get better, i had family you don't. If you are feeling emotional pain now......think what another couple of years will bring.

Hi sasquatch thanks for your reply. It's actually quite interesting to hear this from a guys point of view. One of the things I get drawn back to with some of the married posters here, is the fact that you still love your partner and in your case and others, you've seen improvement. I truly love my bf and he says he will sort it out and that I give up too easily. With this semi deadline I hope that it won't take 20 years, but then, this is a mentally and emotionally demanding problem that I don't think will be solved over night. I definitely don't won't go through another three years of this though.

If you're not married, find someone else and move on. You're too young to waste years and years with his nonsense.

Heya pamelamc, I had this exact same response during one of the last arguments I had:
"I'm too pretty and young to feel unattractive and tied down to you".

But as you can probably tell from my post, my bf has a way with words/excuses. He suggested that I had to resolve my lowered self esteem problems with him as if I left him before they were resolved I'd be running away from the problem, and I'd find that "many men don't have as high a sex drive as I think". or that they wouldn't perform as good as he would/could (DOESN'T!) and I'd be just as disappointed but this time with a man who doesn't love me as much as he does.

I can truly relate to you. I'm in a totally sexless marriage . Our marriage was great in the beginning, but now 6 years later there is just no sex. No hugs, kisses on the forehead, etc. The same as you.

I lay in bed naked nest to het night after night. Some times when I get a hardon I let it rub against her. she pulls away. It is so depressing.

I'd love it if we could chat. Maybe we could at least make each other feel a little better.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Andy

Hey Andy, thanks for your response. It is really depressing when I think about all the failed attempts I've made.

Where are you now in your relationship, have you talked to her about it? What was her response? Is anything getting better? Feel free to message me. I look forward to hearing from you too. Lorna

DO NOT GET PREGNANT and RUN... as soon as possible and as fast as you can... It will be much worse... Do not waste your precious life on him... He needs something else from you, probably accomodation...

Funny you should say accommodation thefullmoon, we actually have an agreement where I pay the rent n he buys the food lool. A part of me feels maybe thats why were still together, because it's cheaper!!! Its not, honest, my problem is that I think It'll get better if I give him a bit more time, also I'm probably not ready to run.

Cut your losses. You've put time into this relationship but ending the relationship doesn't mean it was a waste of time. The time you've put in has taught you that you are a person who needs sex, affection and expects to be valued and not put off and ignored.

Your story is mine, before I got married. Read my stories. It only gets worse. He's priming you for emotional/verbal abuse by subtly saying hurtful things to see what you'll do.

Read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans before you make one more wedding plan.

Hiya, I've just read you're "Sexless Vs Intimacy-less" post. I actually think this is a big thing for me, I partly feel that there is enough intimacy outside the sex issue, but then i get so comfortable and confident that were back on track, I try to take it to the next level- sex, and why not? what wrong with that? Instead I get what I've outlined before, rejection and name calling and branded as not being sensitive. Then just as you put it "I find myself making excuses to not get too close, to not fully trust and to keep my eyes open for signs that he is ready to deny intimacy so I can steel myself for it. When he gets moody I tell myself “Here it comes” and knots tighten in my stomach." I think this is what Im scared of happening with someone else, but i guess i have to take the risk

It MIGHT happen with someone else. But it WILL happen with him. It IS happening with him.

Once a refuser always refuser. As others have said you are young. It probably will not get any better. Why do you stay? Meet a person who will fulfill your needs. You have many red flags here,

"Once a refuser always refuser." ----This is not true, Out of Patience. I, for one, eventually found it again, but only because I did my own self work. This guy, on the other hand, seems to be defining his lack of interest as HER problem. I didn't, when it was up to me.

When you are young, though, you can experiment more quickly, dump out of things with fewer fetters, if it isn't working. The issue that nixes it with me, in this case, is the lack of ownership and seriousness.