Three Years And Counting.

It is all my fault, I was a nightmare to live with, drunk, distant and a bully - sexually and otherwise. THis went on for many years. Now I am sober three years, we see a counsellor, but we are still not connected and sex is totally off the table. I am patient, but I get so lonely. It had been so long since anyone has touched me. I think about having an affair, just to feel sexual again, but I don't want to risk loosing my marriage once and for all. I don't think she is seeing anyone else, but she may have done a few years ago. I wouldn't blame her if she did. They say if you walk 5 miles into the forest you have to walk 5 miles to get out.

I am thankful that she stuck around, I am happy that she didn't just leave years ago. But I am human and need human contact, sexual and otherwise. Most days I just get on with things and don't let it upset me, but other times I let myself get sad.
deiselmontague deiselmontague
41-45, M
7 Responses Dec 10, 2012

The damage that has been done can't be just wiped away, it will take a lot of time and effort on both your parts....but keep fighting the good fight. If you both want what you once had, there is always hope.
You said that you have been patient and lonely for the last 3 years.....I bet your wife was patient and lonely while you were lost for all that time.
I wish you both luck..

How much have the two of you talked about this issue? I suspect you have skirted around it for fear of distressing her and also because you feel guilty about your past.

But you both need to talk about this - honestly, respectfully, without anger or acrimony. You need to ask her : "Did I kill off any desire for me by behaving as I did all those years?" And she needs to answer honestly. You need to let her know you understand if your actions previously killed off those feelings of desire for you.

IMPORTANT! Your past behaviour may have resulted in her feeling unable to fully relax with you or trust you. This could be quite subconscious and unacknowledged on her part - but it is certainly possible. This would be a big factor in her allowing herself to feel vulnerable around you - and sex, intimacy and connection require genuine vulnerability . . . . . Just a thought.

Don't get side-lined into "But I stayed with you during the worst times - so now you OWE it to me to stay." That may be her attitude, but it would not be in your best interests or HER'S. Marriage is not about who can win an endurance race. . . . .

If the two of you find there is no way that intimacy, sex and a genuine connection can be established between you, then parting would be wise on both counts. You can expect to live another forty plus years. Do you want to live like this for all that time?

She too deserves the chance at a whole and healthy relationship of her choosing. If she can NOT choose to have it with you, then she too needs to be free to choose someone to share that ith.

You have accomplished a HUGE success by overcoming your earlier demons. Anyone who can do that can deal with this too - although I know you would far prefer not to have to.

You may now be paying the price for your past choices.

No-one gets a pass on choice, and the consequences of them.

If genuine forgiveness is not offered by your spouse (and the damage may be such that such forgiveness simply can NOT happen) then this is done.

Best you both recognise this.

Tread your own path.

Diesel it is good that you acknowlege your faults and the terrible things you have done. Now you are clean & sober you have obviously apologised many times and are truly sorry for what you did.

You cannot take anything back but it is truly time you put a time limit on this. Your wife is continuing to punish you 3 years down the track. If your apologies, and sincere remorse are not good enough for her, which is perfectly fine given what she has been through than it is time she or you ended the marriage and went your seperate ways.

Whats not ok is your wife staying around for 3 years emotinally distant and checked out of the marriage for whatever reason that keeps her around, whether it is financial, kids, house, assets etc.

Also if you suspect she is having an affair chances are she is. I would strongly suggest that you see a Lawyer find out your rights and prepare an exit plan. The way i read this scenario is that she is emotionally checked out, cannot forgive, and it is only a matter of time before the life support on this marriage is turned off. Best you be prepared.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Keep growing, keep healing, it's all good. Atonement is good too, but put a time limit on it. Being in the position of supplicant is not conducive to a rewarding life. Either you can both face the future together, healthier, happier, connected. Or you can't do that together, which is Okay.
Good for you for being sober 3 years.

Seeing a councilor is good. Being reliable steadfast and trustworthy are traits that would help rebuild a relationship .. I hope she is dealing with the aftermath of the addict behavior and choose to forgive and go forward

Dear Diesel,Your story is full of honesty about yourself. That must have been hard to write and even harder to share, but I'll bet you feel better about yourself now than you have in many, many years. It sounds like you have changed into a new person and you should be commended for that transformation. It takes real character to recognize ones own faults and then to work hard to correct those faults. When I read your story, I did not see a man who is a failure....I saw a man with character and strength. Keep up the good fight and stay on your present course. No matter what happens now in your marriage, you can feel good about have earned that right. Hopefully, the new you will wear her down and she will forgive.