Why Ask Why?Here I am, 5+ months since my STBX left (at my request) to "figure his **** out," after 7 years of marriage and 8 months of couples therapists. For the past 8 months (and probably before), he didn't do a thing to fight for the marriage, or for me, all the while professing he loves me. He admits he totally checked out for a variety of reasons---depression, work stress, marriage stress, long term unresolved emotional damage, passive aggression, etc---but can't explain why losing me wasn't motivation enough to save our marriage. I guess on some level he did want this divorce, because he certainly hasn't fought me on it.
In fact, I DO think he loves me. But not the way I need to be loved. His definition of love is, "This is what I have to offer, take it or leave it." My definition is, "What can I do to make this work?" In other words, complete opposites. I miss his friendship, but I don't miss that struggle. AT ALL.
Now I'm in love with the most amazing man, Señor Spanish Sex God, who is the opposite of my STBX in so many ways. Totally available, emotionally engaged, honest, introspective, wise, brave, spontaneous, and creative...with an unreal sex drive (you wouldn't believe me if I told you) and incredible in bed. I've never been so connected with a man during sex before, one who is always thinking about my pleasure and expressing his love for me with his body. It's so free, and so natural. I can't even understand in retrospect how I survived all those years of emotional and sexual deprivation.
So the STBX is coming to town in a couple weeks to pack and move his stuff. He wants to see me and to talk---even though we could have been talking this whole time, if that's what he really wanted. Once again, I brought up how I couldn't understand why he never fought for us. I warned him so many times over the years that one day I'd hit the wall. He said he knew I'd warned him, he knew he shut down and didn't try, but it was the best he could do. That's it. In other words, after 5+ months of "figuring his **** out," he hasn't figured out anything at all.
The moral of this story is DO NOT WAIT to understand "why" your spouse has no desire, doesn't want you, doesn't love you, doesn't get it, etc etc etc. Don't wait for them to explain, because they don't know themselves. Don't wait. Because while you're waiting, you might be missing out on your own sex god or goddess...