So Much More Is Lost Than Sex

From the many experiences I have read on this forum, they all have a common thread, we are being held emotional hostages. The idea that after so much time together that sex is somehow not a significant part of our existence is mind boggling. But lets be real, its not "just sex" It is a major part of who we are as human beings. It is the threshold of our emotions, the ultimate connection to the person we love, the reafirmation of our self worth. Every time we are rejected or put off we lose another small piece of our selves, our identity. Then to be humiliated in to having scheduled maintenance sex is even worse. We lose our sexuality, we lose our self esteem and self worth. All over a painstakinly slow process. Until finally we lose ourselves in the process. We blame ourselves, we question our looks, our demeanor......and we stay with this person because they love us.......they are methodically destroying us. Not to mention our children learn about relationships by mirroring us. So the effects are far reaching. I see all this, know all this and yet I am damned by this.
lifter50 lifter50
46-50, M
5 Responses Dec 10, 2012

Well said.

I have swallowed a gazillion pills at the correct end of the spectrum from vermilion to scarlet and beyond. Obviously the only demarcated entity that is holding you hostage is you. After prolonged and searing analysis I find me holding myself hostage because I have too much residual self esteem and self worth left over after decades of SM treatment. I don't allow pity or maintenance sex (I can do that far better myself), I do not blame myself more than what's fair, I do not question my looks, my demeanor is largely ok, and I do not stay because my wife loves me---she clearly does not, and neither do I her. There is a child, but I realize that is not the overwhelming reason: I am dutiful as a parent, but after the life I have led, I am attached to nothing at all. It's scary how little attachment I feel to anything or anyone at all. Perhaps I am trying to make an exhibition to her what it means to hold up one's end of the contract. Perhaps I just want her to feel and express shame and regret not as a wife but just as a human being. I certainly never want sex with her again. I suspect I don't want any sex beyond ************ to the end of my life.

<p>A question for you (and us all actually).</p><p>'We', are - "being held emotional hostages", by whom ?</p>
<br />
Tread your own path.

Great question. Reclaim agency.

This si so damn true

Once you have chosen the red pill and woken up, the person holding you a hostage is you. The door is open, should you choose to walk the gauntlet. No one gets a pass on choice and its consequences. Be well.

Yep - red pill, you wake up and see the Matrix, blue pill, you forget and return to the illusion.

There are some days I wish I had not taken the red pill.. Last session with my therapist was the emphasis on me doing most of the changing needed and that he agreed yes it is not fair...