Our Morning Conversation

We both couldn't sleep early this morning so we started to discuss our problems with intimacy, affection, and SEX. I'm bitter bc we haven't had any sex since the end if September. I don't know the last time we shared a kiss other than the standard kiss on the cheek before going about our days.
She told that She doesn't think our situation will get better bc we are sexually mis-matched. Any progression with affection and intimacy will be overshadowed by our lack of sex.
She said it felt like it was forced or like a chore. When we did have sex she was very vanilla and lazy. She felt like she did it bc I complained about the infrequency of sex.
When she stated her feeling I knew at that moment that we were done but just hanging on bc of comfort and the kids.
I refuse to live like this anymore. I'm glad she was honest with me before we wasted each others time trying to save this relationship.

Any thoughts??
20 Responses Dec 11, 2012

stop being a whimp and file for divorce!

I am amazed that you have put up with her this long, most men would be out there looking for a replacement.

i was shocked when i read the reply, it never crossed my mind she was cheating.
make since though or here is another thought
na never mind, well was sex every good?

I doubt she is cheating. Her routine is so busy that I can't see where she can find the time. I'm not 100% sure but I'm almost sure.

What were you going to mention?

what was the sex like in the begining? when did it start to change?

run forest run

You now have clarity...It's really over, done, kaput.<br />
Note...my refuser spun and spun and spun things...and then finally told me that she had never desired to be PHYSICALLY sexual with anyone in her life. She never lusted after someone's body, ever.<br />
My STBX is either totally asexual (I think) or so close it doesn't matter.

She is most likely feeding you half truths. The truthful bit you have been fed is that intimacy is off the table.

As for being sexually mismatched well i believe thats just a cop out story and told to save herself further grilling. The truth on why sex is off the table if you really wish to chase it probably doesn't matter anymore and chasing this truth will probably lead to more heart break from your end with the same result as now no sex.

It could be that she has found someone else, whether having an emotional affair, or physical, or that she has decided she is no longer attracted to you, what clothes you ware etc, etc.

The question here is are you prepared to visit a lawyer find out your rights and prepare an exit plan.

You are far too young to be put through a sexless marriage and she has made herself crystal clear.

The choice is yours.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

I am of the opinion that Changewilldoyougood has answered your question succinctly. If the refuser is not interested in changing and you are not willing to live on a starvation diet it seems only frustration, insecurity, pain and anger will be your lot.
I am on the cusp in my relationship and have set a goal of getting a few financial mattes straight and IF by that time my matrimonial bed has not warmed up CONSIDERABLY it will be AMF and hope you have a nice life.

Ignore her direct and honest statements about what she thinks is to come at your own peril.

I hope that finally wakes you up.

Accept what she says as the truth. That is a very hard step, so do not expect to just do that overnight. Respect what she said and begin focusing on you....not her. Get the help and support you need from the right people/sources. Know that acceptance of the truth will allow you to embrace other possibilites....to move beyond the pain you now and have been feeling. Take some comfort knowing you don't have to live a lie anymore.

Yeah you have my sympathies now the real **** is on wait for the lawyers to try to strangle you out

You have been given a great gift of honesty from her... Please Please Please use it to move on. Most of us never get that from a refuser...

it took courage...
for your wife to first,
be honest with herself...
then regard and respect...to be honest with you...
my soon to be ex...
didn't afford me the same consideration....
after 35 years,11 of those sexless, affectionless....ya
one more thought...
there are all kinds of seasons in a marriage.....
many are the necessary changes,
to adjust to life events(children, finances, illness,etc)
i think it is worth the effort...
to identify if this is a time of transition...
or, simply truly, the end...
joyinthejourney, clg

Early morning? Both awake enough to converse? You should be having sex instead of talking about why you're not.

But hey, at least she's told you straight up that it ain't gonna get better. Now you know where you are. Accept it.

<p>I think you're right to see it as a gift of honesty, because that will - if you let it - propel you to a better place. What most people who are out the far side say is that they regret not acting sooner.</p><p>I'd say she wasn't completely honest, because the thing she didn't really say was that she didn't like sex much (at least not with you) AND is not prepared to do anything about it. The latter, IMO is the absolute killer for the relationship. YMMV. You can validate those statements by putting her on the spot about how she thinks your relationship should be, and what how she is contributing to it. If her answers amount to friendship and childcare, then you know the necessary information.</p><p>So, that leaves you with the comfort and the kids - not easy, these are hard choices. But you are already saying "I refuse to live like this anymore", and you'll likely find that desperation increases till you have no more choices left. Which maximises the pain and the wasted time, unless you grasp the nettle. I should know!</p>

Ok. Don't know where Ron's been lately but I'll play his role for a bit.

Your wife does not have sex with you because she does not love you. She does not love you the way YOU want to be loved. Either the love has faded or she never had it in the first place but no matter, what she does feel for you IS NOT how you want to be loved.

You have three options. Stay and deal with it - in your case it sounds like you would stay and deal with it for the kids. Stay and outsource - whether openly with the W aware of it or not. Or Leave, discover your why and change yourself.

Do you have an exit plan? By exit plan, think fire drill. We practice for fires not because we want a fire to happen but because we need to be prepared in case it does. Exit plan from marriage is the same thing and is just as important.

Okay BazRon, good work, coming from you sounds better too.....

I'm guessing Ron is enjoying his beautiful cabin in the woods, by a lake, with his kids and a wonderful woman.....so I hope! Good job filling in, Change.

just a check question, you don't think it's going to get better, do you? I can tell you right now, just based on what you wrote, this is NOT OK with you. And compromising isn't really going to give you a working situation either..In other words, it is time to move on, or transform your relationship into a friendship, cuz that sex and intimacy thing, isn't happening.

Hope I'm not putting him on the spot, but this sounds like a question for our dear friend
C4000. Sounds similar to his situation which has turned out beautifully.

How is this similar to c4000? I am familiar with his story but don't see the connection.

@SEXLESSINRI Maybe there is an "elephant in the bedroom" for her she hasn't told you about. Keep talking. Just sayin'

She's told you how it is. Doing that took guts, owning the issue is something that is often not done. Now you have to think on this information and make a choice about how you'll act. Make the choice which feels truest to you and you can't go far wrong.

I think your gut knows what that choice is, too.

You have a sexual partner who doesn't want to have sex with you. Personally, I found years of living in this type of situation all but destroyed me. I would say you're right to refuse to live like this - I know I should have reached that conclusion sooner...