This story written in response to
"What advice would you give someone that's about to get married?"

I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Well, Now I've Done It!!!

By: PersephoneP

Written on December 11th, 2012

I have been subscribing to a FB page called "Marriage Works" to try and get some inspiration and tips. One of last night's posts was something along the lines of "Men: Be sure to give your wife plenty of loving, non-sexual touches daily. It meets her needs and makes her feel more connected. Ladies: Reward this with sexual touches...that meets his basic needs." I posted the comment "I wish" in reference to the fact that sexual contact is supposedly a basic need for a man. Well somehow my comments are showing up on people's newsfeeds, and H saw it. He was PISSED. I am quite sure he thinks I was referring to giving your wife non-sexual touches, and therefore ignoring the little pats and brief handholds he has been doing lately. Well, no...it was the other, but I just can't even discuss it with him. I have been pretty clear about what I need and want lately, and he is certainly aware that there is a problem, at least in my eyes, with our sex life. This morning he said to me I should be careful what I post to FB...I knew immediately what he was referring to and said "Oh? Why's that?" He wouldn't respond. He had posted on his wall last night "Biting my tongue..." and went to bed without saying anything. Then this morning he changed his status to "I wish..." Really? You're offended about my little comment on FB but now you want to fight with me through cryptic little posts yourself? No...what he wants to do is find an excuse to be angry with me and make our marital problems my fault. This is a perfect distract/deflect maneuver, something I have seen from him before. And it's why I will eat my own liver for dinner before I wil attempt to broach the subject with him again. It's pointless.

By: PersephoneP

Age: 36-40 , Female

434 people have read this story

Email:

Username:

Password:

Birthday:

By clicking "Post", you confirm that you agree to the Terms of Service of Experience Project, Inc.

22 responses

PersephoneP

Kind of shocked at all the little hand slaps I am getting over the Facebook thing. A juvenile and inappropriate posting would be me putting up a status calling H out on our non sex life. An innocent "I wish" on a post from a marriage and intimacy page, buried in among 100s of other comments, that I thought only subscribers to that page would see, is hardly a reason to start WWIII. When you have been denied the most basic components of marriage for as long as I have, you kind of need answers and an outlet. If just talking it out with him (which has happened at various times over the last decade) was going to do the trick, I tend to think it probably would have by now. Let's just say my apologizing and explaining why I posted it to begin with didn't do it either...yet another week has gone by and ZERO intimacy.

Dec 15, 2012
1 like
bisubmissivewife

Sometimes you need to agree to disagree and let resentment go. (that is if you really want the relationship to work)

Dec 12, 2012
1 like
- PersephoneP
  I'm curious what you mean...agree to disagree that we need a sex life? Let intimacy and connection go? I don't understand.
  
  Dec 15, 2012
  1 like
- bisubmissivewife
  No not at all you definitely need a sex life. I mean when you are arguing in general rather than keep the fight going agree to disagree. move on you will never see eye to eye on everything with your partner.
  
  Dec 15, 2012
  1 like
- PersephoneP
  Oh, we do that. That's part of what makes all of this so bizarre...we get along really well most of the time. We don't have big screaming fights. And when we do argue or one makes the other mad, we talk it out and apologize and move on. We're nice enough to each other (and engage in enough playful banter and teasing) that anyone would think we were incredibly connected and buzzing with sexual chemistry.
  
  Dec 16, 2012
  1 like
- bisubmissivewife
  I am so sorry to hear that, I know carrying on a fake existence is awful, My question is if you are not getting what you want, what makes you stay? You will find love elsewhere staying with him will rob you of that. You deserve happiness.
  
  Dec 16, 2012
  1 like
1 More Reply
littleonejade

LOL, funny and not HUGS
This is a perfect distract/deflect maneuver ggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr your not alone

Dec 12, 2012
1 like
leighnabee

Sounds like my marriage.

Dec 12, 2012
1 like
smithy8015

oh p--he's looking for ways to needle you and succeeding. frigg his reaction. you could follow up but...why engage for a continuation of his little PA war?
need to go read more of your stories, not sure where you're at. but sounds to me like time for plain speaking with/to your H.
hugs to you. xo

Dec 12, 2012
1 like
Nikanda

Whatever you write on FB reflects on your husband too, especially when it gets... Intimate...
For some 'strange' reason he doesn't like to have the world know of his personal matters or marriage issues..

Dec 12, 2012
1 like
- Changewilldoyougood
  Perhaps it shows her desperation that she is using all information sources to try and come up with solutions. It does not appear to me that she knew it would be visible to others. That has happened to me too, not with a relationship but when I've commented on something religious or political and everyone can see it sometimes. So I just stopped doing that.
  
  Dec 12, 2012
  1 like
- PersephoneP
  Bingo!
  
  Dec 15, 2012
  1 like
chocciebean

This is just passive aggressive crap on his part - and a very good excuse for him to now actually have a conversation with you with any honesty. And he knows it. Stop playing his games and be upfront and honest. They can't bear it x

Dec 12, 2012
2 likes
amimaxxahere

haha
dont let trivial things like facebook drown out your whole marriage life :)
if you dont have control over it
deactivate it

Dec 11, 2012
1 like
PersephoneP

Understand: I am merely venting on EP. I know my only real options are to accept this as my lot in life or leave and try to find my elusive happiness. I expect no magic bullets. It's just a bit therapeutic to see that I am not all alone out there.

Dec 11, 2012
3 likes
- amimaxxahere
  hmmmmmmmmmm so why is he not a good husband to you
  
  Dec 11, 2012
  1 like
Frustrated1978

Typical Passive Aggressive Behavour. Dont engage with him. Passive Aggresive's thrive for a response therefore kicking off the big argument they so badly desire to deflect attention from their behavours.
Stay Strong & Good Luck

Dec 11, 2012
3 likes
bazzar

Did that story "Counterrefusal - The Case For" help in any way at all ?
As long as he can get a response out of you with his bullshit pretending, the pretending will continue.
You CAN run this agenda, if you have a mind to do so.
Tread your own path.

Dec 11, 2012
2 likes
bisubmissivewife

If you can't communicate there is no point in continuing to be married you are either at the brink of the downfall of your marriage or the strengthening of your marriage. Never post your problems for others to see that is just asking for trouble for one thing and secondly it is childish, it is what high school kids did to each other. Creates lots of anger, resentment and gives the other person reasons to treat you badly. Treat your husband with respect and love even in the trying times you did marry for better or worse. If you are having a problem in your relationship figure out what it is. Do some soul searching. Decide. Do you really want to live the next 50 years like this? Think about what you really want from your marriage, what you can and cannot live with. Talk to your husband and not when you two are angry with each other. Say to him I can't live like we are, I feel..... and I want to feel........ with you or I want to be able to do........ with you. He may realize that if you are as serious as you say you are about leaving the broken marriage, he may make the changes you need. Although it has been from my lifelong experience people may change a habit if they chose too but their character will never change. Talk about what you really want or need and he should be able to do the same with you. If you two cannot meet each other needs then you need to part ways. That is all there is to it.

Dec 11, 2012
1 like
zsuzsilowinger

Oh P, the passive-aggressive fog at your house is reaching new heights... how about you get your ducks in a row, then post on Facebook "I am leaving because H is a d*ckless wonder who has intimacy problems up the ying yang". That oughta be straightforward enough for everyone.

Dec 11, 2012
4 likes
- PersephoneP
  I got a chuckle out of that...I would never post such a thing, but yeah. I'm getting pretty frustrated. I apologized tonight because he was STILL all pissed off and nasty, so clearly it was a huge deal to him. And now once again my issues with him have been swept under the rug and I have been duly chastened...oh, and I hit the nail dead on. He started running down the list of all the ways he has "gone out of his way" to touch me lately (ooh you treat me like your WIFE for 15 seconds a day and you want a medal!)
  
  Dec 11, 2012
  1 like
- gypsyblu
  yep my refuser thinks his quick pat on my side, as i walk by is enough....i try to not walk in his direction to often, his quick 1 second pats are pathetic.
  
  Dec 11, 2012
  1 like

Your Response