Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

Sexless Newlywed

A little history first. My husband & I have known each other since our teenage years. As life would have it, we went our separate ways, but remained friends & stayed in touch. Over 4 years ago, we got together as a couple. Sex was good. We moved in together & have lived together for most of that time. We get along, never fight. Our sex life was good, but declined some over the years. For the last year, he has turned down my advances so many times, that I am afraid to even try. I love this man, so I thought it was a temporary issue. We got married over 3 months ago. No sex on the wedding night. Not for about 1.5 weeks. Very quick with a big lack of intimacy. Didn't have sex again, until 6 weeks later. Only after writing him a letter about how I felt. Conversations about "feelings" never happen. We haven't had sex in almost 2 months. I feel like just a roommate. He doesn't tell anyone that he is married. The only people that know are people that I have told. He is not the cheating type, so I'm sure that isn't the problem. I truly love him, but my hurt, anger & disappointment are starting to affect how I feel about him. I hate that this is happening.....already! We are in our 50's, so I believe it might be hormonal, but my husband refuses to acknowledge the issue. Cheating is out of the question. Any suggestions or similar marriages?
a0831g a0831g 51-55 7 Responses Dec 11, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

mvcmvc.......I have read your response many times. It really makes a lot of sense to me. You really have great insight!!!

-----" Conversations about "feelings" never happen."

If your communications are always centered around logistics, around superficial things - what you are lacking is a spiritual core to your marriage.

I am going to take a wild guess here and speculate that he married you for comfort, convenience and companionship, and you married him with a goal of achieving long term love and deep intimacy (to include sexual intimacy).

Note the vast differences in these two goals.

How many times has he been married before?

And there is no such thing as a standard "cheater type". One can "cheat" by never leaving of comfort of their recliner by emotionally departing the marriage and refusing to participate in intimacy. That is passive cheating and is a full brother to an afffair.

If he has reached this age and is unable to be truly intimate (as you need him to be with you), there is little you can do here to change the dynamic. He has to want to change it.

He has most likely been this way in previous relationships and the pattern is probably set.

Maybe he is having a physical problem (erectile disfunction?) if this isn't it then it's trying to find out what's really going on. My husband is 56 and went through some changes with his testostrone levels. You might want to suggest he has a physical. You said he refuses to acknowlege these issues, tell him you care about his health etc..and just make the appointment. I hope things improve!

Consider this. The dude you knew 4 years ago was awash with the endorphins a new relationship bestows upon itself, and the rooting was "good".

The endorphins wear off, and the true level of people emerges. In this case the truth is that you are a sex person, and he isn't.

**** all you can do about that. It is a terminal mismatch. Obviously you are not prepared to do anything about it at this point. That won't always be the case. A time will come where you'll recognise the mis match as the deal beaker it is.

Tread your own path.

i don't get the impression that he is cheating. i am also in my 50's and left a SM 6 months ago. my husband and i did talk about everything and he wasn't cheating, i was. one piece of advice, if you don't like the way it is, don't spend YEARS trying to improve it.. believe me on this one. best wishes.

He isn't the cheating type. Are you sure? Not telling people you are married is a weird thing to do. Dont be so quick to dismiss issues like not cheating, not divorcing, etc. As time goes by so will your patience wear thin. Eventually you will find yourself looking for answers in places you never even thought of. Just ask people here i bet most stumbled here just like me by accident.

Keep reading up here in time you will work out for yourself whats going on with him.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Stay Strong & Good Luck

I wouldn't be at all surprised to find that he has shame over his issues with his sexuality, although I wouldn't presume to know what those issues might be. It might be ED, he may never have been very sexual, he may body dysmorphia (men can and do obsess over such things, especially their endowment), he may be gay (in his heart, or even in RL, past and/or present.) Couples counseling with someone who specializes in men's sexuality might be in order. Finding out who he is in such matters is necessary for you to go forward, I think, but he may be filled with angst or even fear about himself or what you both may find. Be both brave and compassionate, but be also insistent that this will happen. Good luck on your journey to the center of his mind.