Post

A Night Like Tonight...

Tonight we went to a formal for her company. She wore a fantastic dress and I wore a suit. I was attentive, stayed with her and we had a pretty good time.

So when we walk through the door and go into the bedroom, I know how this night should end. I know I should unzip her, take off my tie...etc.... graphics not needed, you get the point. It should have been intimate, special because of what we were wearing....slow (of fast...whatever)... only point is, it should have been.

Instead, she insisted on changing in the closet, getting in bed, rolling up in the covers and putting the f***ing TV on some stupid sitcom.

Not a new story, but a night like tonight should not have ended like this.

I left..logged on, said screw it, logged off and went and said something. She replied she didn't mind if I sat and watched TV while she went to sleep. I said there's only one thing worse than not having you, and that's sitting 1 foot away and not having you. Nothing... no comment, no understanding.

And so I'm here to vent in a short story instead of going outside and yelling at the heavens. Not sure there's really anything to comment on here... guess I just need to vent it to someone. Its going to be a long night.
RandDannesk RandDannesk 46-50, M 118 Responses Dec 11, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

I might think about joining a Tupperware party...

Is it too optimistic to suggest that maybe she just wasn't in the mood?

This is how I feel lots if it was just so easy to walk away from her and never look back but it's so hard I can't do it yet

For crying out loud, you logged on before talking to her. Why didn't you just get a bucket off ice cold water and throw it over her?
You logged on? Does that not seem odd to you, you had a beautiful woman who you say you love, yet you logged on!!!! Why did you not sit down with her give her your full attention and TALK TO HER, why didn't you ask her how she felt, why did you not tell her how wonderful she looked, why did she not have your full attention? Why did you not just hold her? Why did you expect such a regimented approach to sex. She looked good you made an effort you got home and you wanted to jump her, after you had checked your e mails? Get ******* real!! Who the hell do you think you are? You are no lover, your a control freak! Get over yourself!!! Make her feel she matters, give her that, clearly she loves you! But you! Clearly think your a big deal. Welcome loneliness it's gonna be your best friend, no matter what you have or how great you think you are.

Ummmm did you read that his wife got changed in the CLOSET, went to bed and turned the TELEVISION on, BEFORE he left the room and logged on (and logged off again, and went back to talk!) As soon as they got home, she was obviously not prepared to give him her full attention, after such a lovely night out. It's not an unusual thought that you might want to finish off a lovely evening out, by making love to your spouse. I would have been wanting to finish the evening in a memorable way.
.
This man is posting in ILIASM, which means there is most likely a long term problem with his wife being a refuser. You being abusive and swearing about his response to her giving clear signals of "not tonight dear!" are really out of line. Who are you to tell this man that he's a control freak and no lover?
.
Being constantly refused is soul destroying, there is no way you can "get over yourself" when your heart is breaking and when intimacy (sexual and emotional) is being withheld from you.
.
This is an old story, hopefully this man now has a relationship that fulfills him.

Some people's empathy and reading comprehension leave a lot to be desired. Sadly.
And some people feel called upon to comment on something they have not a clue about (i.e. a 'refuser' in the bedroom). No idea how lucky they are.

Yes, sad but true Petrushka. All we need is people giving us a hard time when we express our disappointments ... we already have that, blow after blow from our partners, we don't need other EP'ers to bash us too!

Did you romance her and were you sweet to her in the day? If the answer is yes then you need to be strong, take control. Tell her how you feel. If she is not sympathetic, then tell her to join you for counseling because you cannot accept this any longer. If she refuses counseling then the writing is on the wall you have a dependent, not a wife. If you don't have a wife you don't have a marriage! If you lover her deeply, it is very hard, trust me I know. But remember you have one life. If it does end up with you splitting, try to end up as friends. It helps! Good luck.

I'm 51 and married 28 years with a few of those years suffering from this type of behavior. So i think I qualify to tell what I think. Your sex with her needed to start before she got dressed for the evening. Did you request she wear no panties? Did you suggest she bring your hand to her breast as a sign she wants to dance? Did you think to stroke her lip with a wet finger while sharing a glass of wine? Do you talk openly about what you want her to do while you have sex? Have you showed her how you *** when she is not with you? Have you asked her to show you the same? Do you know her 2 most intimate fantasies? Does she know yours? It takes a lot of trust and love and holding each other and sharing regularly to get to that last stage! I have only shared one of two of my biggest fantasies. But I am hinting all around the second. It is scary because you may even feel that you could lose her by exposing your raw sex thoughts. She is just like you and she has private sex thoughts too. If you don't get into her head that space is going to be filled by someone else even if only in fantasy. You want the easy way out my friend. And that IS a fantasy. That's my impression anyway. Happy to discuss further.

very good answer !!!

It was a similar story with me it went on for about 5 years after the last child was born
Then when i could not handle it any more i went of the deep end at the wife and told her i was leaving if she didnt tell me what the problem was it turned out because she went flat chested and did not feel like a woman
10,000 bucks latter amd new chest things have never been better, that was five years ago and still together

Have you tried asking her outright why she's withholding sex?

Day - we've talked a bunch about it through the years. She's just chalked it up in the past as my higher sex drive. I know I shouldn't get so disappointed, but sometimes when it seems the momment is sooo right, I still feel let down. Things are changing a bit for me now though, so I'm getting a grasp on my own life and feeling better for it.

I'm glad you are. I can understand, it must be very disappointing if you feel the right time pass. Of course yours is higher if she has none at all. Is that the only reason she's given you? It's not really a good excuse.

Yup...that's about it. My higher drive and her lower one. If I really had to take a stab at it, it's about the same thing that many comments and stories on here get toward. I'm constantly chasing, so she not only doesn't have to - she's free to 'pick and choose' whenever she feels like it. Plus, it make me into a horrible sap (which is also not attractive)... so its a combo of a bunch of different stuff. 2013 is NOT going to be like 2012 though :)

A lower sex drive doesn't mean not getting changed in front of you and witholding all together, just having it less so I think that's a rubbish excuse :P I guess it's about her controlling you and your urges. I'm glad you are sorting it all out though. Happy New Year to you :)

1 More Response

I agree somewhat with the earlier post that there is someone else or she is angry and hurt and withholding sex until you make amends--or, worst of the worse--she is a narcissist who is done with you. I have been married for seven years to a man who started off as loving and attentive and who changed as soon as we married into a completely different person. I thought it was me, that I was crazy--but finally, I happened upon information about narcissists--and it blew me away. Read up on it and make sure you are not married to one because if you are, things will never get better--there is no cure. Best of luck to you!

That's too bad. I was in a relationship for three and a half years with someone who thought he had Asperger's. The first two-three months were okay, but it went downhill after that. He talked me into running for office, which I did reluctantly. I ended up getting more votes than he did (he'd run for office before) and he left a nasty, immature message on my voice mail telling me the results (I was out of town at the time.) I should have saved the message, but I didn't. When I got back to town, I told him I never, ever wanted to hear a message like that again. Then, in the last year and a half, the sex was more like a servicing. After we were done, he'd put his clothes back on and go out to the living room. Before, we'd snuggle.

I'm not sure what to tell you. I am glad that we broke up, but it was a very long breakup. He wasn't going about it in the right way, and I was too inexperienced to know exactly what I should do. I don't like giving up on people, but I should have given up faster with this one.

We broke up in September 2010, and I don't think he has had a serious relationship since. I haven't either, but I've pretty much given up on men. I don't think I have a chance of getting the kind of guy I want, until I turn into the kind of woman I want to be. I've been watching "The Office" and I am really getting into Pam and Jim's romance. It would be so cool to meet a guy like Jim Halpert, but I know it's all fiction. I feel for you.

My heart goes out to you. I used to be in a relationship like this years ago. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I was always let down by him. He would have started a fight before we went just so he would have a reason to ignore me when we got home.

The best form of defence is attack......If he gets in first , he thinks he can avoid feeling cornered later. So sad.

Not a good thing to have sex with someone you meet the first time, get to know that person first, better still, wait until you fall in love then sex will be great.

Unfortunately , waiting will never ensure that.

That is true, but just doing it to someone you hardly know is taking a chance, if you do know the person for say a month before having sex you will then decide that you want to or not want to have sex with that person.

Oh my god, it's sad and cold. Sometimes i think compatibility of couples comes to degree of affection. My first ex boyfriend, he was so cold person. He was good at sex but he never hugged me and kissed me once in the blue moon. When we slept i was the one who held him from behind, he never hugged me or held me. Most importantly, he never made a first step or compromise when we had a fight. I used to cry sometimes. His sex was something like beasts'.

it seems pretty obvious she thinks of you as just a "platonic" friend.

Need some teasing guys...

I hate to be the one to have to break it you Dan, but you just don't seem to get it! It's more than obvious to someone on the outside looking in. There's one of two choices your looking at. If you were having intimate relations right along, and then, without warning, or any indication what-so-ever, she just stopped for no reason, and gives no reason -
#1) She's seeing someone else, and it's serious, and you better face it, and bring it out in the open, and discuss it - if there's even anything to discuss

#2) You did, or said something stupid and unforgivable (for a while),and she is pissed to the max, and doesn't even want to kiss you, let alone make love to you

I hate to tell you this, but from my point of view, not knowing your personal situation, If I had to venture a guess, I would pick #1, and Danny, for your heart's sake, I pray I'm wrong, but I doubt it! I have pretty flawless intuition. I hope this time, I'm off the mark, my brother
Aloha, Rhode Island Jim

Well if it makes you feel any better to know you are not alone ..... you're not. I'm a little older than you but after menopause my wife lost all interest in sex. The TV routine is pretty common in my house as well. My wife doesn't mind changing anywhere ... the closet isn't necessary (so I guess that's good). I've discussed the situation with her and posted stuff here but nothing has changed. Just thought knowing this issue is common might help you.

Life is too short to work, eat and watch t.v. I'd rather be making love and having adventures personally... A relationship can be exciting and fulfilling so long as two people want and need the same things out of it.

Some very strange responses here! It is important to realise that it was your fantasy that was not realised, your desires not fulfilled, your frustration that is evident. Your story is about you and only you can change your story.
We all "want" in our lives and sometimes, in fact often, those "wants" require things of others that they are not able/willing to give. Your job is to understand your "wants" and reconcile them with you, not your partner; your "wants" or as others have put it "needs" are not a right that can be exercised against others.
Your partner (notice I do not use wife), has done nothing but make her choices. Talking her to her may help you understand why she makes those choices, may support her in revisiting thoses choices, she may even revise her choices and you both reach a point where you are content with the physicality and much more of your partnership.
As a consequence of those discussions, but not a threat before the discussions, you may have to make choices about your "wants/needs" and their importance to you which may require you to let go of those "wants/needs" or hold on to them/fulfill them and let go of the current relationship/change it with your partner .
Only you can make these choices and any amount of wanting things to be different will be unlikely to change your partners choices. You being different, either in relation to yourself or your partner, is the only thing you can do. Any other approach to this situation is a power struggle that is ultimately destructive of one or both of you.
With Love.

I hope it gets better for you, for me... 25 years of married life now... a long time ago I used to talk to her about it and complain I guess then I thought, this is silly I should not have beg for being together... so in 2000 I joined a choral socitey and sing with them... I thought maybe I cold find friendship or maybe more... well I have some what of people that I sing with but no one that I am really close too... so this year I joined the opera Chorus in the town I am in and Sang Sweeney Todd.... next id Barber of Seville still no close friends... Well I guess it takes time...
I pray for her (my wife) for her not to be so negitive and for her to be more friendly
good luck
like I said... I hope it gets better for you (being catholic there is no divorce for me...)
A friend would be nice though

I have been in this kind of "marriage" for years now. I haven't been able to make a move on yet but, at least, I have come to understand that the situation is not one that I can live with. You may need to express your feelings as part of the grieving process. Eventually, you will make a decision as to how to proceed. Your truth may not fit with other people's expectations or agendas and this too may be painful for you. I wish you well.

I read your story and I have to say you describe my life to a "t" except I am you and not her. I am the one aching for affection... I am the one who sits inches away from my husband who rarely acknowledge me.. I am the one who wishes he would get closer and wrap his arms around me or offer to let me rest in his arms... I am starving for that intimate attraction and affection that a husband and wife should have... He only acknowledges me when HE wants something and I am the one who starts it I am the one who "Gives" him what he wants. Only to be left alone once again afterward... I Love Him Very Much and it kills me he dont think of me in the same way so I can totally relate to your situation... Please know you are not alone there are a lot of us out there men and woman thats what this website is for... Good Luck and Im here if you need to talk.. :)

Ok.. a wonderful person sent me this link: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/1445968

Well...it about sums it up. I couldn't believe as I was reading this article....it not only describes perfectly what she's doing, why, but also my perfectly fitted role in it all. Would really recommend anyone who sees my situation in a familiar light read it.

The worst thing one can do is stay on a relationship that doesn't reach your expectations. Sometimes we do out of fear of what are we going to find behind the door but it kills our self esteem. Take some solo time... Let her miss you or let you go... Just prepare yourself before for whatever the out come might be.

YES!!! I really wonder if it was me that wrote this one!
Married 18yrs, "regular" sex for the first 5yrs, then a few times per year after our first child was born. Tried a lot...Movie Dates, Overnight dates away from the kids, Nights Downtown, Cooking, Cleaning....They usually end with the TV on to some meaningless show and then going to sleep. Sexual advances bring out the repulsed response.
Recently, I came to suspect she is asexual. Looked it up ..... The criteria fit is amazing. A bit sad, but a little of the "is-it-me?" weight lifted off my shoulders. By the way, I am physically fit (maybe a bit on the thin side) and fairly presentable (definitely not "metrosexual", but not a slob either).

Bottom line...if she is a sexual person, then there would be some desire and drive to want physical interaction. If I am not repulsive or abusive and she does not have medical issues, then that is pretty much it....Am I missing something?

This dovetails directly with another classic "That's not how she loves you" in ILIASM.

Ask her to get help together, see a professional. Life is too short to live like you are living. I remember that frustration too well! My first two marriages were a idenical image of your explanation. I thought I was going crazy, that something was wrong with me.
I don't believe in divorce but when a spouse acts like that all the time something has to change! The bible say that we are not to deprive each other for too long and our body is not ours, are body belongs to our spouse. We have to stop the selfishness and please our mate! If we do our marriage will flourish and the days will become so joyfull! It shouldent be hard work, it's really easy if you love that person.
Both of my first two marriages ended in so much pain and hurt. They left me. I did what I thought I would never do, I cheated. I was so guilty, ashamed! I never wanted this. But I needed that closeness with a women, that touch and you know everything a man needs to be whole.
They left me, I would never leave. I am not built that way, I would have lived in pain and frustration before I would have left for a lifetime. Now when I look back I should have left those marriages much sooner, when I realized that they didn't care and would not try to change. That's like cheating in its own way. Don't get me wrong, I begged them to get help! I would do anything to fix our marriages. But they didn't care to try.
The good news! My current wife is a angel, she needs physical love as much or more than I do. we spend every moment together that we can. I would do anything in my power to make her happy. I respect her soooo much. We men are simple creatures, sex with our partner is so important to us, for her to make us feel strong and whole. We are built this way. And to not have this is awfull! I am so happy now!
Sir, if she won't get help. Get out of there as fast as you can. You deserve better. At the very least separate for a while and stay faithfull, give her a chance to see what she had. If she still doesn't change then she really doesn't care about you. Don't be intimate with another women until after you're divorce, be of high character! You will be blessed for this. Always prey for your ex and try to stay friends. She deserves to be happy too. God bless

Hello- I too live in a sexless marriage= and it is going to cost me the love of my life....but i have to tell you that it is MY fault. Our marrriage and sex life was like most others (although not quite as crazy as all my others) until just before we got married. I can tell you that i hit it out of the park with my wife as far as sexiness goes...she gets looks everywhere...but i have a problem. and its not ED....its not homosexuality....its boredom. I have been like this for so very long, after awhile i just watch **** and get off. I know its sick. not the watching **** part as i think most men do watch **** sometimes...but i would and do do it all the time, everytime. I am not sure i am helping you in this post...if anything i am trying to help myself- i just didnt know that other people didnt have sex in their marriages also..i guess there are lots of reasons. I am praying that i can save my marriage but i need help. i dont know it is possible your wife is the same?? i doubt it - anyways so after having this problem...even when i try to get with her now like 2 times a year She isnt interested...i pushed her away...it is all my fault..i pray for you, because i think you love your wife...i know i love mine more than anything in this world and i am so sorry for being a fricken pig. I dont know why i just cant get help. listen. i dont even know how i am on this site...i just saw the story in my email and for some reason opened it up...you werent even the lead story..just weird..i am sorry for taking up your response space..i just hope that it works out for you..and if i lose my wife because i choose to get off to **** of girls who are half as pretty and sexually attractive i dont know what i will do...i am an idiot- what i get is what i deserve...please help me god...and help all these people too..have a good day people.

I'm sorry. :( I am in a sexless relationship too. Mine has never shown a whole lot of interest in me sexually, never made the first move. He has had ED problems as well. I hear all kinds of excuses, mostly I hear that he knows I don't feel well or I'm tired. It's just an excuse. I hope it gets better for you, but these are bad habits and control issues, so not sure if it will.

I took the liberty of looking at your profile, and you seem to be in a lot of groups related to being a loner, or alone, etc. Is that how you see yourself? Perhaps you chose a person with whom you would not have to interact much? And with your self reported depression, etc., perhaps when he says, "I know you don't feel well", etc., this has been ingrained into his personality by you not wanting to be intimate with him? I am not chiding you - in fact, it sounds like there are multiple issues that are driving your relationship. But, when I couple your icon with your groups, I see a real dichotomy! You are really two different people, and I have a feeling your icon is who you want to be! So, (and here comes the big reveal!) - BE HER! Be your icon! Be the Rachel who is red haired, big breasted, small waisted, and fit for action, Jackson! Perhaps that is you already. If so, great! But, all this is in your control.

If you want sex in your marriage, get it. Your husband may be longing for you to be healthy enough one day to actually accept him making the first move. You never know.

ED is an issue, but one treatable with drugs and therapy for most men. His psychological makeup is totally damaged by the ED, though. Men think with the little head, good or bad, and when it is not working, he feels worthless and useless. He can be the titan of a great financial empire and when Junior lets him down, he is a worthless carp gasping away his life tossed to the shores of a rocky island. It takes a wonderful woman - like "Icon Rachel" - to make things healthy, sexy, and fun again.

Yeah, um, I'm not taking responsibility for this one. First of all, you know nothing about me. I am 5'6", auburn hair, 36-21-34. I have always been very sexual, and self-confident. This man's lack of attention has killed my self-esteem. I'm depressed because of family issues, I was disowned for not being able to travel to a family wedding. So, in my comment I was not looking for therapy for ME. I am a sexy beautiful smart woman with a great career. This is clearly his problem. I'm just trying to focus on what's positive in my relationship. But this post did hit home for me.

Well, i haven't had intimate relations with my spouse in 10 years and I'm ok with it because to many years of arguing fighting has taken its toll. I will not ever have relations with her again, I have about four girl friends I am romantic with, it's a juggling act but they all know I am married, they just don't know about each other. I do what is expected of me at home just no romance. Believe me their are many, many women out there who will be sympathetic, it just take a little time to get to know them well enough to carry on this romantic life. Actually I have been with women throughout my 45 years of marriage. It can work for you just create another life for yourself. Good luck!

Why are you still with her these past 10 years, if argument and combat are the norm?

All.... Thanks so much for all the responses, both the obvious and the incisive. There isn't much I'm hearing back that doesn't make me think, or in the very least, know I'm not the only one. She said something to me last night that takes my entire line of thought about this whole thing through a major, twisted, warped misconception. The strings below are already so long, I just wrote another story about it. It's so far f**king removed from reality, ...just not sure who the hell I"ve been married to all these years. I called it, "..and with the wine, honesty..." because she basically, finally spit it out - and it was horrifying.

Thanks again to all who took time on this thread - again - some really, really good advice!

You all, and EP, have made a world of difference in this last month.

Yours always, :)