You Have To Wonder Why Is It Pure Denial

Like most everyone else in this group I live in a sexless marriage. I will not leave since my feelings are that I have invested way too much in this relationship and will not walk away from it. The day to day environment here is like a volcano ready to blow, so it can't remain this way for much longer.
Through the 12 years we have been married not one time have i missed what I considered our 2 anniversaries (when we moved in to together and our marriage) I have not missed giving a card every month twice for all those years.
She was my soulmate, no other women existed as far as I was concerned cause she satisfied every wish and desire a man could want from a woman, wife,lover confident for many years , I was in heaven and felt like we had it all.
I would give her anythng, move mountains if she asked.
She ruined it all, first the reason was menopause, stopped all passion, kissing her naked, sex , oral sex, HJ , touching etc. All gone nothing, Zip, zero.
I know for the many years she was single she was very aggressive sexually and in her mind and I agree she could have any man she set her mind to, she has her way and knows all the right moves and a man's weaknesses, I know for a fact she had a 2 plus year affair with the president of the company we both worked for.
So my question is this, how can a woman, wife, lover just turn it all off and and find that perfectly acceptable behaviour, act like nothing is wrong and proceed to go on daay by day like nothing is wrong? How can you not feel like you have destroyed everything this marriage was about and could have been, and be that much in denial? I know I sound all one sided here, but honestly I have done my share 150% and more, and cannot understand how anyone could be that removed from it all. If you truly don't feel anything sexual, what is the harm with a simple *******, BJ , teasing , touching, kissing with the person you are married to? Even after 30 plus chemo treatement and on those days when just a little something to feel grounded, or a reason to be happy cause things wenr well, Nothing , Zero.
At my worse I could never do that to anyone, let alone someone I pledge vows to.It's a wating game now to see who can last, I have considered an affair but it would have to be with someone needing and wanting the same . I need the passion and intimacy , it's not about sex and multiple partners, rather being able to lie down next to someone restoring each other self esteem , and souls.
To be able to feel indestructable cause your alive again and walking on air cause two people just clicked at the mere feel of each others bodies touching and feeling a pleasure , better than actual intercourse cn provide.
How can any wife be that way?
mandown mandown
61-65, M
5 Responses Dec 12, 2012

If I were a woman and menopause did that to me, I'd stop breathing and eating.

Some excellent advice from the guys, so I will just address this point:
"I have invested way too much in this relationship and will not walk away from it."

Consider your investment analogy, because it is a good one. Let's say you invest $50,000 in a particular company. One year the returns are not so good. You tell yourself "Well, investment is a long term game - I won't withdraw my funds now. Wait and see. Things might improve - I hope so!"

The next year and the next, profits continue to fall. No dividends are declared. The BIG question: Do you leave your funds (substantial as they are) in this investment?

Short answer? Only if you are a fool! Sorry to be so blunt - but you need to consider your statement (quoted above) in this light. Would you wait until the company collapsed completely and then moan that you "Didn't see it coming"?? Of course not! Apply the same logic to your marriage . . . . .

One simple reason as to why this dysfunction has continued is that you have enabled it. By choosing to stay and ruling out leaving, you pretty much endorse her behavior. The status quo is also your choice, unless you choose differently.

Let's focus on you here.

First up, it's like you're almost questioning what you want (this is normal) - so it's good to be able to own that suite of important (vital?) meanings that sex and intimacy have in your life. For a sex-person, sex is a joy, and as you say, restorative. Painful as it is right now, I'd be valuing that recognition, because the pain can propel you to a different place.

Second, your incredulity. I think this is quite normal, but has the downside of raising hope and trying to understand them and want them to change. It really helps to understand that another person may think and behave in a way that is utterly alien to you. The likelihood is that, even if you make an open offer for her to join you in something that might work, she will remain an alien. Her lack of action so far in the basic amenities of a cooperative marriage makes that extremely probable. Unfortunately, that attitude is supported by some toxic cultural standards which say "it's natural not to want sex after menopause" (baloney), and "if I don't want sex (desire it) - my spouse can go hang". Oh and, "fidelity is absolutely required".

Once you have come to the understanding that it HAS happened, and that you are not accepting the sunk cost trap, then you can move forward. Alternatively, you can wait till the desperation rises until you have no more choices, you are compelled to act.

Your question - "So my question is this, how can a woman, wife, lover just turn it all off and and find that perfectly acceptable behaviour, act like nothing is wrong and proceed to go on daay by day like nothing is wrong?"

The reason could be any one of an interminable number of "whys". But even if you DID know her "why", she would still be intimacy averse to you. YOU knowing "why" does not help you. The only person in your marriage who can do anything about her "why" is HER.

Your story contains no evidence what so ever that she has any interest in identifying her "why", or doing anything about it.

You rule out divorce (at your instigation) so you had better see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see how a divorce would shake out for you, because this could very readily happen at HER instigation** and you wouldn't want to get blindsided

** the "why" might be that she is cheating and may have plans to dump you.

There is a story here "Outsourcing Your Needs" which deals with the for / against aspects of affairs and their variants. Well worth you while reading I'd suggest, before you head down that road. Also, read everything you can find by mvcmvc, a much respected member here.

Tread your own path.