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Forrest Through The Trees

Do you ever think we miss the big picture by focusing on details like sex, pats on butts, kiss on cheek, etc... It seems like a hard dance. You can't verify your notion that something is missing without giving it a solid metric, but once you do is becomes just that... A metric. It seems we need this metric to prove to ourselves that our feeling about the situation is correct... And we try and use the metric to prove to our spouse how out of tolerance they are... When in fact there is no hard requirement for the metric, it is just the feeling. It either works or it doesn't. So why do we not trust our feeling?
Usernametbd Usernametbd 36-40, M 5 Responses Dec 12, 2012

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It's already bad enough to make objective claims about feeling sex-deprived. You will hear no end of "there is no normal frequency", "every woman is different", "if both partners are happy..." etc. Bring in even more touchy-feely (you wish!) notions like "I feel emasculated by the relationship" and you are in even deeper water. What's wrong with (bad/no) sex as the litmus? Nothing can beat it as an indicator of a ****** up marriage, imo.

I agree with the litmus test, hell I even used and spoke about it in the beginning of relationships. Not to speed it up, but just to say once it gets going I don't want it to be bargaining chip. Didn't work with this one...

People after being married for awhile take often take each other for granted.

Continuing to Date Your Mate throughout does help couples stay connected.
My wife said when I demand or argue with her, she doesn't feel like hugging a cactus. I agree with her too !

If we trusted our feelings it falls incumbent upon us to then take informed choices to deal with the situation.

No-one likes making informed choices. But no-one gets a pass on that obligation either.

So it is much "easier" to devalue / ignore / deny your feelings.

Tread your own path.

Very good point.... "Paralysis by analysis"

You know when you do not feel well loved.

Taking action to correct the situation is a different thing altogether.

No metrics. When it's right and good and intimate and loving you don't waste time or energy on asking yourself if it's good. You just are so caught up in the feeling you don't ask that question. You are too busy enjoying that it is.

Ps read my blog The Train from this week. I made it public because it's a great example of what you're saying here.

Just read it and very true! It is definitely easier to go with your feeling when it is good, but how do you compare that to your feeling when you were with the x? Did you have the same confidence in the gut feeling being correct?

I knew I was unhappy. I knew I was sad. The crying tipped me off. What convinced me to stay was that I thought I was so miserable because I wasn't good enough to deserve better. I thought I was pretty awesome but grew up with a family that didn't agree. So while my internal perception of me was solid I didn't believe others saw me in a positive light. So when XH became an ***, I accepted he must've figured out what others (but me) always knew about me.

The whole journey is in my blog. I'll friend you if you want to look through it all.

Will read, thanks!