No Hugs Or Affection Or Intimacy Let Alone Sex. Very Lonely.


Hi. Im not a mum but i felt i had to join to contribute to this discussion. I too am in a sexless marriage but its such a long story i will do it by timeline to make typing this quicker. I apologise if this comes across as cold.
1992 I met my husband and moved in with him after 3 months. He was 42.I was 19.
1996. The sex dwindled and then stopped altogether. I was 23.
1998. We married although it has never been consumated. I still loved him and fancied him at this point.
2001.I started work at (ironically) a sex chatline office.
Feb 2002.I started at Slimming World and lost ten stone in eighteen months.
June 2003. My confidence soared but unfortunately so did my sex drive. I started a new job and met someone through work. My lover was also older than me by seventeen years. The affair lasted for 4 and a half years and was the most passionate exciting and loving time of my life.
March 2006. My husband had a massive heart attack which has led to disabilities and loss of some lung function. I did run the affair alongside caring for hubby until Jan 2008 when i ended the affair. At this point i will say it probably would have come to an end anyway. My lover did have emotionally abusive tendencies which i have actually discussed on another forum.
However since the affair ended all that while ago i have been overeating and put a lot of weight back on. I have started back at SW and am trying to lose it but i have been feeling depressed. My husband didnt just stop the sex 15 years ago. There have been no hugs no touching of ANY description.I feel so lonely and am sort of scared of being slim again. I think part of me thinks that if i am overweight no one will fancy me and i wont be tempted into another affair.But i long to be kissed and touched and stoked and held much more than i long for the actual sex act. Before the affair i asked my husband to go for counselling for seven years but he refused. He has never liked kissing much. He stopped affections TEN years before his heart attack.But partners of ill people need some comfort in life too. We are carers not saints hence my username. Great site by the way xx

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6 Responses Dec 12, 2012

I also want to say.....because my hubby is a good man...( besides being cold and sexless) a brother....we love each other....after all it's a 21 year old bond.

I am in the exact same situation as you .I have lived a sexless married life for 14 years (21 years in a relationship) . Of which most part I have been physically and emotionally been disconnected. They advent of internet made it worse as my hubby will never leave the damn lap top. I crave for his touch, kisses and being held. I have to keep reminding me of my needs and sometimes he full fills me , other times he rudely tells me to go away. I started a kind of an affair few months ago. Well it's mostly about sex....not entirelly fulfilling....but I think emotional entanglement will make it messy. At least sex is good. So I thought i'd share with you what's going on ....oh and just like you have done the 'talk' to death....and we have a young child (adoption) and she is super sensitive. Can't bear to hurt her through divorce. I hate it when people give judgmental advise. I will not advise you. Rather tell you you are not alone.

do you have yahoo messenger?

Would you ever consider asking your husbands permission to seek a gratifying sex life if he is no longer wanting sex as a part of your marriage. If you both were able to discuss it,you may find out the reason he went off sex. I know it is a drastic step,but the current situation will eventually lead to your hatred through frustration of him. You have not taken any vow of celibacy,so go and relieve some of the sexual tension you are suffering. If you took the plunge and by chance met a willing partner, please set up some ground rules to prevent possible hurt to both you and your husband and think carefully about the mans motives.Does he want a quick **** up against the wall with you and then to move on after adding you to his list of lovers? Or does he actually understand that this could benefit both of you? I myself am probably a few thousand miles too far away to do you any good regarding this,but I do assure you that I would have no problem with this as regards to both discretion and in the making love to you in the way that you should be made love to.
All of that aside for now,If you would like to talk at any time or just shout in a sympathetic ear about things then It is okay to shout,laugh,discuss,plan or cry on my shoulder.I am new here on site and will add you to my circle.XX best of luck.

Is this a dealbreaker yet ??

Tread your own path.

Welcome. Sorry you need to be here.

Your marriage is more about companionship than passion. Is that still ok with you?