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People Stereotyping The Woman In A Sexless Marriage..

In my experience I think people automatically assume that we the woman are a reason for the sexless marriage.

These are some of the things I had to deal with..

My inlaws actually at one point adviced me "you need to get some victoria's secret in order to make yourself more attractive, make him want to have sex with you..."

Very offensive because I could easily have frequent flier miles with VS, I keep myself in tiptop shape just to make up for the sexlessness in the marriage.
There is nothing wrong with me, I dont even have to show off my VS stuff or wear racy clothes and guys still check me out! And with my ex BF 11years ago, I used to wear granny panties and we still had mindblowing sex!
Over here I have tried to be everything and done every move in the book, short of acting like a **** star in the privacy of our bedroom and still Nothing(for last 11years)!

So somehow when people act like something were wrong with me as a result of which my husband may not want to have sex with me is completely wrong and offensive!

Some of my girl friends have made remarks like "you cant leave him Just for sex!"
I feel marginalised as a woman when people assume that women dont need to have sex.
Is there anyone out there who have been at the recieving end of stupid comments by people who dont know anything about your situation?
uma1980 uma1980 31-35, F 14 Responses Dec 12, 2012

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Stereotypes exist not because they are fair (they are not) but because they are statistically efficient. Why bother cavity searching a 65-year old white woman at the airport? But that's a stereotype, right? It is similarly efficient for a man to start dating with the assumption that his target woman does not enjoy sex unless a great deal of quid pro quo is established first. Which is exactly what a vast majority of men (that get any sex at all) do: bend over backwards just so their partners' vaginas moisten up a little. It is a disgustingly successful strategy, too.

You will find plenty of women in ILIASM who will empathize and commiserate with you. You are in good company for sympathy. Doesn't change the fact that if you sample a man uniformly at random from the ~3.4 billion men out there, and then you sample a woman similarly, they will be sexually mismatched with probability more than a half.

It doesn't matter what the deal-breaker is, a deal-breaker is a deal-breaker. It will be different things for different people. If you can't condone a behaviour, then you put up with it or walk...... tres simple!


I liken people like that to people who watch amazing acts of human performance, and say, "gee, you know what they aught to do..." while never even grasping that they are watching the very limits of what is humanly possible.

Completely agree, done everything humanely possibly, and for the people who go "oh you should have done that!" By the way I did that too , it still didnt work on him!

The one time I put on thigh-highs for my ex, I ended up getting rejected...yet another thing occurred to make her feel not in the mood...I felt like I should start doing a tarot reading to see if I was gonna get any before asking.

Lol,too funny! I love the tarot reading solution here!! maybe I need to do tarot reading to find out if I am going get anything before asking!!

P.s. too funny was just the tarot reading part ,not the getting rejected part obviously..

How about "I don't feel like it tonight, because the tarot is getting on my nerves!"?

@ulae LOL too funny!

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The only attire you need to accept is the "Bad Guy/Girl" t-shirt. Those who left all have one and you know what? It fits just fine. Get the t-shirt.

Oh yes, on the last day here I will!! Thanks a lot!!

I do understand the feeling of wanting to be right in your action, have that validated by others. As Baz says though, it's not necessary. You will (when this is all over) look back and know that you did what you had to do for your own sanity. All other opinions or validations (while nice), are really about as useful as a chocolate teapot. Nobody but you has to live in your life, so "advice" is mostly cheap and throwaway, given with no real thought or attempt at proper mile-shoes-walking.

All and sundry to NOT need to know the in's and out's of your personal life.

Any of these aquaintences you have been discussing this with (be it at your instigation, or just them sticking their oar in) are of no value.

Everyone who needs to know that your marriage is a shithole already knows. People who NEED to know are chosen by you, and ought number no more than a handful. They are your support team to help you get through. If they ain't helping you, then they need to be cut from the team.

Cease and desist discussing this with persons who have an agenda (such as in laws) or plain old dickheads who have no clue about the subject matter. You owe them NOTHING.

Tread your own path.

Thanks a lot, what about parents and siblings, when do they need to know?
They are not especially helpful, just would create drama and make me feel terrible.
But they act as if I have an obligation to tell them about the stuff in my life, if I dont they act like I am keeping a secret.

They are free to think whatever the **** they like - AND, they don't need your help to do that, believe me.


even here on the ILIASM threads of EP, you'll still find there are males (and females) who mosey on in and make judgmental comments to we hapless women who really need to just go get laid. pardon me, but that ain't the point. if all i wanted was sex, i could have it any day of the week and the some....what I've been *trying* to have happen, tho, sex in my a non starter. cause my H just ain't doin it. to punish me. to control me. because "sex isn't that important". cause he "just doesn't think" of me "in that way anymore" (read: since I got pregnant and had a baby, I'm no longer sexable in his mind.)

yeah, throwing a little VS at that will fix it. not!

uma, prior commenters are right. outsiders don't have any clue what our lives are like, what we've been through. so the fewer people you allow glimpses in to the private details, the better.


Yeah you are right, but you know how us women we love to vent our feelings!
But anyway thanks to EP I can vent all the feelings I want over here, and not talk about any of this to anybody else.. xo

It's not a guy/girl thing. Really, when you're a guy being refused, you feel the same way.

Although to be honest I didn't wear much in the way of VS lingerie, but I doubt it'd suit me (N.B. present girlfriend prefers Agent Provocateur and more obscure stuff which I can't remember the name of - looks absolutely awesome for the 10 seconds I spend in stunned wonder, before tearing it off her...).

I agree its not a guy/girl thing. When we are refused we all probably start doubting ourselves in one way, even though we get plenty of signals to the contrary outside the marriage!

And yes, no VS or Agent provocateur or any of that was going to help a guy who didnt want to have sex! With somebody who did, the granny panties would do just as well!

Now here's something I've been harping on about practically forever: if we're refused, we should NOT, I repeat NOT start doubting our worth.

It stands us in good stead to examine what we may have done wrong to alienate the other person, to squash their trust and desire if that's what happened (and I can think of one or two contributors here who would definitely fit that description), but let it reflect on our worth? NO. I refuse to accept that.

You are you, and you are worthy. Worthy of self love, of self esteem. You should not depend on that from others. Oh, affirmation, acclaim, affection are all good and important and needed - but should that really affect your sense of self worth? I think not - it should come from within.

Otherwise you just end up needy and weak.
If the rejection from your partner makes you miserable, that's understandable. If it makes you feel you are less of a person, then you need to work on your self.

f.w.i.w. -P.

Thanks a lot for that. Thankfully even though my husband didnt want to have sex, I always saw it as his problem. But 11years of constant sexlessness makes me a little tired.. As far as other people making comments thats hurtful because they dont know how much effort my whole marriage has been..And I may need to work on myself, just to learn what makes me happy as well..

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-----"Is there anyone out there who have been at the recieving end of stupid comments by people who dont know anything about your situation?"

Eventually this will stop. Especially as you get older and carry yourself with such confidence that no one will dole out such crap to you!

Put your stern game face on with all these folks (even the in-laws). That will get them to shut thier traps.

I think not letting people in our private lives would also help, because there is so much judgement out there.!
With the inlaws on multiple such occasions I felt like screaming "Nothing is wrong with me! Everything is wrong with your son!!"

Everytime you put your business out there someone feels obliged to comment on it. And forget telling the in-laws about the deficiencies in their son. Stop telling them anything about the state of your marriage. It will not help your situation.

Yes, you are so right, thanks to EP I dont feel the need to talk about my stuff with anyone anymore. People over here understand and will say something meaningful.. Before when I didnt have anybody to open up to I would inadvertantly spill out stuff, just to vent. I know I am never going to need to do that anymore again !! Love EP!

and here I was, thinking that that's what friends are FOR - discussing my experiences with, bouncing ideas of their heads, sharing happiness and misery.

TBH: I don't have many friends like that where I live at the moment. I used to, at one stage my life was full of friends like that. They would not judge, but they would criticize where appropriate. I hope, one day I will live in a place where I have friends like that again.

Yes, thats true, I think EP maybe a little bit more helpful because they are going through the same experiences and each one is at various stages of wisdom that we can share with each other.. With regular friends outside of here, they are not going through those experiences, so however well meaning they are, may not be as helpful..

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I think you really need to outsource your physical needs and get a FB. You have permission, it will help you deal with the long dry spells with your H. just a thought, it well definitely give you a self esteem boost as nothing is better than the feeling of of actually being WANTED

yea, I've had Facebook for years, still nothing....:-)

I seem to have found several guys on OKcupid that would suit me wonderfully, POF is where I found my lady.

I never got those comments but know them. I go to the gym, wear lacy underwear and he isn't interested. I guess it's like getting bored with an old toy.

I do something for my back though

Sadly it is only for me because my husband doesn't care about better shape or anything. I,

stupid to talk about the subject

Same here and the gym is a great place for me to get exhausted in another way and to flirt with some handsome men. It does no harm, it only reassures me that I'm looking ok.

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sex or sexless pain or painless love or loveless

Umn not sure I got that?