Lost My Best Friend

i married my best friend.  i do not have many friends. with work, 3 kids, it becomes very difficult to prioritize time.  my wife puts all her efforts and time into becoming supermom.  as a stay at home mom, her self esteem is derive from being "supermom".  i understand this.  i just want to feel loved and treated lovingly and not treated as a bank book.    i get what ever is left over...  after 3 kids, there is not much left over.  i love my kids so i cannot leave. i love my wife so i really cannot leave. However, with the lack of affection and respect, i cannot stand being with her.  i do not miss the sex as much as the intimacy.  you would think that the "wife" would write this, but i think most people would be amazed at the number of men who feel this way:  it is not the lack of sex, but the lack of intimacy that is demoralizing, and depressing.  after seven years of marriage and doing all the work in the romance, my self esteem is gone, and i am contemplating whether i should stay or go to maintain what little self esteem i still have.  should i stay or should i go?
lostinspace lostinspace
41-45, M
6 Responses May 19, 2007

Decide a minimum you'll put up with.
Decide on a firm deadline.

Explain calmly and firmly that any shortfall is going to be made up for elsewhere. You'd prefer it be her, but it's like asking her to eat five meals a day when she's fine with three.

Begging and cajoling just ruins what appetite she has. If she'd like to dally outside the marriage too, be ready for that. If you were divorced it'd be the same thing, without any shot at recovery of the bliss you once knew.

Take this advice for what it's worth given I'm in a SM myself.
(defined here at EP arbitrarily as 10 or fewer times per year)

You hit the nail on the head it's not so much the sex but the utter lack of intimacy - I can entirely relate and it hurts. If you stay you have to at least teach your kids that you cannot sacrifice your own happiness over and over for the sake of others or they may end up in the same relationships I think. If you stay you have to find a way to make it work. Your kids can sense a lot more than you think and will be okay no matter what you decide. But decide for YOU not them - you will love and cherish them whether you're with or without your wife. Do everything you can to make it work but don't spend a lifetime doing it - set a goal, talk to your wife - be honest and forthright. I wish you all the best and hope things work out that make you happy in the end.

hey there,
try speaking with your wife.there is angel in each one of us.I am sure she must not have realized this and the feelings u are going through. love for each other is reflected on your kids:3 kids how beautiful.why would you not communicate with your wife on this.Probably on the process of being supermom she has forgotten to be super wife and who knows she might surprise you.m sure she would love to keep you happy..probably the process of super mom got her head off.liberate her from that by telling her-that's what love is all about....

Have you sat down and told her that you feel this way. If you haven't it would be a pretty good first step. And then if she doesn't except that you can't really do anything but tell her straight up that this relationship is bringing you down. She needs to create within herself a relationship and self-confidence before she can get into another relationship. If the realationship is not a give give realtionship and your giving all and she's not giving anything then that is not a relationship. Just tell her how you feel and go from their. Follow your heart. And remember that everything happens for a reason. Nobody can judge you if you leave her because they weren't in your position.

that is great about going to a marriage counselor. where do you find a "good" marriage counselor and not one with an "agenda" of some sort, other that wanting the best for the family...

"if i stay there will be trouble...and if i go it will be double...so come on and let me know...should i stay or should i go. check out my first post on this site, and see what i said. Sounds like you are in the exact same spot. It truly is amazing what is happening on this site. I find more and more similarly situated folks, and i don't feel any better!!!LOL we are all stuck in a rut with a sexless, and intimate free existance. It sucks. i am going to a marriage counselor thursday. i need help convincing my wife that i am not going to continue to live in a sexless life. You need to face the situation head on, with bluntness. " i am tired of taking care of myself" "do you love me" "are you having an affair" "are you depressed or feel crappy about yourself" if its no to all of the above, ask her why she feels it is okay to ignore you in the most important aspect of an intimate relationship. This sucks, but i think you will find this place cathartic. Good luck