The Face Of Sex

My house is nervous, anxious, and frantic. For her, never enough is being done. The kids and I are yelled out numerous times a day for life not looking as it should. Child one gets straight "As" but watches too much TV. Child 2 is an "A" and "B" student, but consistent with his High Functioning Aspergers label, he is not able to clearly see school time and school work as he needs to in order to get the "As". No matter what i have in my life, my calmer attitude and desire to let the kids operate on their own is a function of not being involved and not caring. Every imperfect response, every acceptance of the imperfect, and every desire to relax when any form of homework is incomplete is greeted with fuming silence or explosive outburst. In bed she want to chill out. After my endurance of hours of her anxiety, I may get a hug because she knows I really need to be touched and held. If I calmly relax and let this life flow, I will get sex in 2 weeks. But I need to leave her alone, and eventually she will eventually get through the anger and resentment she has and eventually be there.

I am tired. I want sex and closeness, but realize sex is not just about physical connection, but it is about what happens in our days and how we want to approach life. Her embracement of noise, failed expectations, and flawed appearances at the end of the day leaves her resenting and wishing to be alone. As I demonstrate that after two weeks, I am at the end of my rope. It is then she chooses to be with me to calm me, connect for 30 minutes, and ready me for the next two-week circus act.
chroniccalm chroniccalm
46-50, M
3 Responses Dec 13, 2012

It is almost like we live in the same house. The word "anxiety" is a perfect descripition.

Wow. You just described my husband. You speak the plain ugly truth with compassion, but truth is still truth. It is true that's not just sex, but also what goes on in our daily lives. Two people approaching life so differently is bound to wreck havoc in every single area of life. You hear the saying "Opposites Attract" and apparently that is true, but is it good? I used to say the traits my husband had that were opposite of me complemented me, but now I see them as an annoyance on good days and like a huge ball and chain on the bad days. Thanks for sharing with us, I hope you can find footing at the end of that rope.

It is interesting that in your prior stories, you describe your childhood / parental relationship as being a bit of a **** up, in very very similar ways to the **** up that is your missus' style of inter-action with the kids as you describe it.

As an empathetic sort of dude you probably feel the sting of your missus' outbursts at the kids very keenly given your own experience as a kid. Do you reckon this atmosphere is doing the kids any good ? Do you reckon it's doing YOU any good ?

For that matter, do you reckon it is doing your missus any good ?

Tread your own path.

Spot on Baz x

Once again, I reluctantly agree with you. My kids certainly know the tension, and since I participate and enable her anxiety dance, they see the house tension about us, not her. By doing nothing, I essentially take ownership of the situation. I have determined I will not be in a household where the dynamics we have exist. I have made it as plain as day that I will not stay in a marriage where these dynamics exist. I know her negative energy depresses me and sends me into a protective bunker. I have been focused on the energy in the bedroom, but now realized that what happens in the bedroom is a function of what happens in the house. I am prepared to move, but wish to allow her to respond to my issues before finally quiting.

If you have crossed that Rubicon, and truly are prepared to leave when it proves necessary, then there is no earthly reason not to get a jump start on your exit strategy.
Now, while you are thinking clearly and objectively, see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce will shake out for you, including custody / visitation et al.
When the time comes to enact the strategy, you will NOT be thinking clearly and objectively - and that is the worst possible time to be trying to put together an exit strategy.