Rejection Feels Like A Knife To My Heart ...

I have been married for almost 22 years to my college sweetheart. I love him with my whole heart and could never consider going outside of our marriage. But some days I feel as if I am slowly dying. My husband has a health condition that makes him feel pretty bad a lot of the time. He was diagnosed about 10 years ago. We have had some health scares in the past. But he and I are turning into roommates/best friends. At first, I was really upset by the lack of imtimacy but now I find myself simply closing off. ( I was raised in a really dysfunctional home and closing off seems to be the only way I can cope when I get too hurt!). I feel physically exhausted all of the time. I am lucky enough that I can have my own home business and work as I need. But I also take care of our three kids and do the the vast majority of everything at home. I do all of the housework, cook, cleanm drive the kids, do the shopping, etc, etc. I try to stay in shape but have recently gained about 10 lbs. I am working to take it off and trying to diet. Today I am visiting a med spa to get some facial injections to improve my appearance. But it is hard being a woman and heg all of your friends talk about how they cannot keep their husbands off of them. I just sit there silently when we are talking in a group. It simply makes me feel worse. My husband has always had a lower sex drive than me but we worked it out when we were younger and he was healthier. But now it is virtually nonexistent. This am, I was up early getting ready for the kids to get up when he woke up and could not sleep. I offered to help him fall back asleep before the kids got up and he chose to work on his computer instead. Great. I do understand his disease affects him but it is really killing me. I feel like the ugly, fat, gross and undesireable. Sitting here typing this I feel exhausted and just down. I really do not hate a solution for anything. I married him in sickness and in health and love him so much, but have simply realized that this is how my life is going to be. It is just nice to know that I am not alone and am not the only woman with these feelings. Glad I found this and can vent privately somewhere. Thanks for listening!
gwife gwife
41-45
4 Responses Dec 13, 2012

Yes, this is a hard spot to be in at times, but I love this man with my whole heart. I know he would not choose to have this disease if he could. But it is true how the lack of intimacy can be really tough on a marriage. Although we are still close it is not the same now. Loyalty is probably one of my strongest qualities so I will always stay with him and take care of him. But it really can be tough at times. If he was ignoring me totally based on no interest or just being cold, then that would be a different story about my marriage. I am not sure that I could handle that and feel so for those of you experiencing that. Sex is important in a marriage! I really miss it! But with my circumstances, I cannot imagine leaving him for that reason alone. It is really nice to share my feelings with other who feel the rejection. Not offense to the guys, but I think that it is a little tougher for the women to feel this with th on-going idea that we should be smacking our husbands off of us. I wish I was doing that -- ha ha!

Has this disease caused his ****, fingers and tongue to fall off ?
See, if he wanted to engage you intimately, he would be so doing.
Your story reads like he was always a reluctant participant in marital intimacy, and this malady hasn't caused this reluctance to engage, just hilighted it.

You "can't imagine leaving him for the lack of intimate connection alone". I'd urge you to severely challenge that position. It is a perfectly legitimate reason to do so. On what basis do you figure that it isn't ??

Although not pleasant, the realisation that - "this is how my life is going to be" is a very valuable bit of information to have.

If you choose to stay, that IS how your life is going to be.

Are you prepared to consider a different choice ?

"No" is a perfectly acceptable answer to this question, but an important stepping stone. See, if you realise that you are CHOOSING to stay, then it follows that you 'could' choose NOT to stay. That knowledge - whether you act on it or not - is very empowering.

No-one has a gun to your head making you stay (or go for that matter) It is your choice that has you staying. Tomorrow, you might (or might not) choose differently.

Tread your own path.

Please don't forget you have options - you don't have to sit back and let him slowly kill you. Believe me, I nearly died too - you need to think long and hard - this stuff is dangerous xx

Good description of the SM - "slowly dying" and "a knife to my heart".

I've got to a place where I would happily boil people who parrot "a refusal is not a rejection" in a variety of hot & corrosive fluids.

When you say "this is how my life is going to be", perhaps you could rephrase that to: "this is how I choose my life is going to be". Or not.

For me, there is a moral imperative which says it's not OK to accept serious avoidable harm to yourself, particularly where other options are available which would not harm the other to anywhere near that extent.