Maybe They Just Have Memory Issues...

Of course the title of this is written in jest, but I'm sure we've all had a similar discussion at some point with our refusers.

The wife was working overnight and texted me to find out what day she was on for her pill because she had a new pack, and left the open one at home. I told her what day followed up with the line "Like it matters". Of course the current dry spell according to her(dryer that usual) was due to her having a minor leg surgery and her having a cold that lasted a couple weeks. I said "But it's only been 1 time since August", to which she said it hasn't been that long. She said "sorry, I was hoping for something to happen recently but you got a cold". Yes I do have a cold, but I didn't last week, or the week before. As I've said in my other stories, I really don't care, I've given up on any hope for a decent sex life and really don't even try anymore. I don't really desire her anymore except when nature tells me to think otherwise.

I find it interesting, and a bit humorous, for someone who has stated that sex isn't that important to her, to tell me that my recollection is off. Just another example of the alternate reality refusers live in. She'll never remember correctly the last time we did it, but she sure as hell remembers the last time I brought home flowers or did anything nice for her. You decide if it's coincidence.
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9 Responses Dec 13, 2012

You are absolutely right... They do live in an alternate reality. After years without sex, my husband argued with me about how long it's been. I don't think it makes a difference... Has it been 2 years? 4 years? or 6 years? I should tell him he needs a vasectomy! Ha!

Reminds me of an episode of the old Home Improvement TV series. Tim Taylor and wife Jill are in bed and Tim is hoping to get a little. Jill replies, "We already had sex this week". Tim counters that it's been 9 days, and Jill gets really angry with him because he counts days! I laughed till I cried. Or maybe I just cried.

This situation hasn't reached dealbreaker status for you yet. And within the context of your other stories and this one, you are not at a point where you are prepared to MEANINGFULLY call her on her bullshit.

So on this will go.

Until it DOES reach dealbreaker status for you.

There is nothing to stop you from preparing for that day now. You could see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see how a divorce would shake out for you - just so you have the relevant information on hand when dealbreaker status is reached.

Prepare, you know where this is going. When you accept that, is likely to be the time the dealbreaker klaxon horn goes off.

Tread your own path.

Believe me when i say that she has an elephants memory. They rarely forget. Have you ever given some serious thought on why she keeps taking the pill when sex is basically non existant and bodering 3 and a half months now?

Or is it non existant to you?

Stay Strong & Good Luck

I sometimes feel like he is intentionally trying to make me crazy with the lack of memory. The biggest WTF moment so far? Two days after I sat him down and in tears explained that I couldn't live this way anymore and would be filing for divorce, he comes up to me and says "I think next spring I'll tear out those roses and plant a vegetable garden". When I asked if he really thought he'd be in this house next spring he seemed genuinely confused.

It's really my fault. I spent 10 years 'being the bigger person' by not calling him on his crap and basically allowing him to have his way. All because he once told me that he didn't want sex because I was emasculating.

Ha! The oh-so-convenient lack of memory! My spouse has this malady in spades. I started keeping count, with dates and descriptions, for my own edification. It's a good way to pick through everything and not let the smoke get in my eyes. (cue song. . . )

Here's my best example of the convenient memory lapse yet: I recently had a surgical procedure making it impossible to drive, much less get around the house, for a couple of weeks. An item I purchased beforehand did not have the security tag removed. H is standing right next to me as I ask him if he could get out the wire nippers and remove the tag for me. He actually said: "Wouldn't it be easier to just take it back to the store?"

Ok, it only took him a beat to then say, ". . .and maybe I should whack myself over the head with a 2x4," and realize what he just said. But the knee-jerk reaction that this is not a concern for him, with the crutches staring him in the face, was truly monumental.

<p>It's not important to them. Nor are your needs.</p><p>This is why it can be marvellously useful to keep a journal and - if you like - the good old spreadsheets. A sparse matrix by any standards.</p><p>And they HATE being nailed. Or being accountable. The incongruence (cognitive dissonance) between their image of being a "proper" spouse and the reality is too great, so they deny it happened, and will often accuse YOU of failing to remember.</p><p>As for blaming you for not being able to do it sooner, that's pretty classic refuser stuff - I know I'd pretty much need to be in a coma not to be interested.</p>

"And they HATE being nailed" - Freud just winked at you...

Actually the memory issue with my ex was that she could never remember anything that she wasn't interested in - and not just in a minor way - almost dementia like in scale.

Yeah hl42... I laughed out loud at "they HATE being nailed". Good one, even if unintentional.

Color me innocent if only culturally so - that's not a meaning that's normally in my lexicon.... and I'm normally a pretty filthy blighter.

[From wiktionary]

(to engage in sexual intercourse): bang, ****, pound, screw, shag (British)

1 More Response

November 26, 2010 was the last time my wife and I were intimate. In the past, when I have talked with my wife about the lack of sex and intimacy, she says that, "Yes, sex is important in a marriage!" I guess we don't really have a marriage, probably never did.

My wife has a selective memory, she augments the reality to make her feel better about the situation. She knows what she is doing. Just doesn't care.

I feel for you. I can totally relate to what you are saying.

Oh, yes, I had that "sex is important to a marriage" thing, until I nailed it good &amp; proper. The thing is, if you have sex at all, that allows them (bizarrely) to tick the box that you have a sexual marriage, sure, it's not as much as you want, but men always want more than they're getting....

The "funny" thing is that, by connecting that value to reality, I've helped my wife change. But that wasn't done until we were down to bare metal.

Yep - she remembers the stuff SHE cares about - like you spending money on her. xx