How Do I Make Myself Feel Attracted To Him?

He is learning new tricks, watching educational videos from sensual massages, *******, how to have sex to what not. Then he tries to give me a massage. Each and every crevice he learned to touch he is touching. And I get ---Zero arousal.
I am not attracted at him at all any more. Why is that? 
Is it because in my mind I have blocked him as a potential mate, probably years ago. Maybe as a self preservation mechanism?
Or is it because I know right after the massage or whatever half hearted effort he does make he is going to fall asleep and not follow through with the sex.?
Or because in my mind I havent forgiven him for the times he should have been there for me, should have protected me, allowed me to be a woman, and he didnt?
Or is it because I just dont see a Man that a woman is attracted to? just a person..
Or is it because I feel humiliated in my heart that he is doing all this because I gave him the final deadline, and not because he is truly wants ..?
I am trying hard to feel attracted to him.. How do I do that?

uma1980 uma1980
31-35, F
17 Responses Dec 13, 2012

The problem is, I reckon, your body and your subconscious have been trained to realise there won't be any follow-through. So it makes it harder to become aroused. Your spouse has slipped into the 'non-sexual' category. No matter how hot your sibling or your cousin is, you're not attracted (normally) because your brain tells you they're in the 'non-sexual' category. You either have to find a way to get him back into the sexual zone in your head or it's too late for you to feel attracted to him in that way.

uma1980... men, naturally have difficulty, understanding feelings and emotions, something that women should be aware of and thus willing to guide him... he can't read y'all's mind... he doesn't understand the real meanings behind what y'all say, or do, things that you really do need to make him aware of... yet, instead, y'all have shut him out, keeping him away from you, emotionally, to where, no matter what he might learn, what new knowledge or skill, it won't make any difference with y'all's relationship, 'till y'all open up to him... appears that, at least, he's aware that he's dropped the ball with you, over time, thus is trying to learn knowledge and skills, things that you should have taught him, yet didn't... and why is he doing this?... because, guess what, he still loves you and wants to make the relationship work... at least, he's trying... yet, y'all aren't willing to let him try to help... thus if the relationship does end in divorce, it won't be that he didn't try, yet rather, that you wouldn't... so, to get on this forum, suggesting that it's all his fault, is total utter nonsense... what you need to do and a.s.a.p. is to sit down with him and talk... talk about all those things that have upset you... and upset him... talk it out... come to agreements, on how to work these issues out... be willing to try, instead of shutting him out... why in the world, would y'all come onto this forum, revealing your dirty laundry, unless you really did want your relationship to work?... so, make it work... sit down him and talk it out... now!... and stop blaming him!... for if the relationship does end, one day, you will come to realize that it was really your fault, not his, for you simply didn't guide him...

I havent shut him away or kept him away,in fact quite the opposite. I begged, pleaded and cried for intimacy and sex for the last 11year. I dont care how it is, I was willing to accept any scraps of sex thrown my way. All this while being extremely faithful to him, over the years supporting him.. Never demanded for anything, just kept giving myself away to make sure he is in a place he needs to be..I have done everything in the books short of being a **** star in the privacy of our bedroom to arouse him, but nothin nada. Your advice would work for someone in a regular marriage, who has some kind of sex, in my marriage we were completely sexless..Actually most people in a sexless marriage have tried all the above things you mentioned, and our spouses still dont get it, and keep denying us. its a very sad situation.
I was about to give up on my own life and happiness after 11years, until I came across EP, which has been my support group, and lifeline since and has motivated me to fight this hard and get my happiness back. Please dont liken people reaching out for help on EP to revealing dirty laundry. It is demeaning to each one of us, who are here to share our feelings, reach out and get help.

@ VB...I resemble that remark...and I do have ADD...

@kathyae : A sexless marriage for 11years is very very sad especially since I have done everything Humanely possible to work on my marriage as well as on my husband..
I do acknowledge however that you meant well and were trying to help, thanks a lot..

Uma1980, i have found, that setting up a lil time, each day, just to talk with him, about anything, not whatever it is that might be bothering me, yet simply to just get him talking, really does help our relationship. It may be just to get him to talk about his day, what he did, what he accomplished, what he wasn't able to do, or whether he liked it, or what others might have said to him and how he felt about that. Simply, just to get him to talk with me, intimately, everyday, gets him into that mode of actually sharing his feelings. Now, at first, it felt to me, like trying to pull teeth, for his answers were one words, or with very little feeling. Yet in time, he has opened up, thus i feel quite fortunate.

Then uma1980, once each week, i like for us to simply take a walk, out into the woods or someplace where we can be out away from our home, yet still have privacy. And it's important to be away from our home, so that all those things that he might be able to take his attention away from our talking, doesn't interfere. And we leave the cellphones at home, too, to prevent calls from others, to interfere. When beginning the walk, i always like to share something positive with him, perhaps something that he did for me, or with me, or said during the week, that i really liked, or felt was really good for our relationship. And i feel, that it's best, if it's something, that he did or said, that he undoubtedly wouldn't think was all that much, or didn't even know that he was affecting me just so positively. I do this simply to try to get him to realize that it's the little things that really do matter the most. Thus when trying to deal with something that bothers us, that there isn't a simple, easy to do, solution, yet rather it'll take alot of effort, alot of thinking, alot of trial and error, perhaps for each of us to change in some way or fashion, or at least in the way that we think. Then, uma1980, i like to discuss those issues, that do bother me, or bother him. And since i suggest, each time, that i would appreciate that he does tell it, like it is, i do the same, with him, getting to the point, rather than talking around it, just hoping that he might "get it". At times, during this walk, it may not feel good, yet that's what we're hoping for, to get to the heart of whatever is bothering us. And as he's opening up, even if it's in little tidbits, i give him positive feedback and or give him a hug, saying that i really do appreciate that he's sharing these things, even if they may make me feel hurt. I do this, so that when i'm being frank with him, he won't get mad, then close up. Then, it's a matter of discussing it, back and forth, asking questions about it, to clarify, to pull it apart in pieces so that we can deal with it more effectively. My goal each week, on these walks, isn't so much, to find a solution, for a couple of hours just isn't enough time, yet rather to simply get us working together, on the same page, so to speak, to hopefully find a happy medium, that we both can live with. If what's bothering us is just so deep, or has just so many parts to it, it could take months to solve, for we'd most likely try things that don't work, or don't really deal with the situation effectively. Yet, just to get him to try is a victory in itself.

"men, naturally have difficulty, understanding feelings and emotions"

Oh, I feel a whole range of emotions when I read this class of stereotype, including incredulity, annoyance, pity, and dismay at the, punctuation.

Either I'm a women and no-one's told me, or perhaps you have some things to learn.

@kathyae: Actually i did do most of that. Didnt get enough time to take walks i nthe woods, because I was working more than 12hrs a day trying to make ends meet, trying to put food on the table,while he worked on his phd. I married my husband when he was Unemployed, and had lowest selfconfidence. I had to work on his self confidence issues, and all the myriad issues he had, bringing him up from rock bottom to getting a real job making a lot of money to working on a business and achieving even more of his dreams. All this while I was still working, building a business, trying to help my mother who passed away due to stage 3 cancer. I played a daughter, a wife, a maid ,a cook, a therapist, an employee, a business woman all that..
In the mix have been a compassionate friend, painfully devoted and faithful and tried to play lover to him whenever I could..
I really need for him to make some efforts to make Me happy now. I really am burned out in a sense..Its his turn now to take over and put some efforts in this relationship..

@kathyae, it think I will make my husband read your post, so he can get some ideas to take the lead and work on the relationship, I do appreciate them.

VB... you have gone straight to the point, as usual...

Is the mediocre at best, agonizing for the most part, digging and digging of any true worth at all...? NO! It's a waste of your precious life... just a waste. Just as continuing in a marriage where the only sex you get is the occasional agonized discussion which gets you nothing, is a waste of your precious life.

Once out, you look back in shock and awe at the amount of time you wasted and the value you placed on the most pathetic efforts.

@kathyae - where are you using y'all - the plural as a singular? Are you trying to pretend to be a Southerner? No real Southerner I know makes that mistake.

It is hard to take seriously the comments of someone who belongs to group called "I take care of my eyebrows". . . . .

@Kathyae I think men are just as emotionally intelligent as women are. And my statement still doesnt explain why we have more emotional problems then men do!! If I was emotionally smarter then my husband I wouldnt be still be here! I would have gone long back! If my husband was the emotionally "dumber" individual he wouldnt have gotten so much out of me either! Maybe I am realizing that now, Not only are men emotionally our equal they may actually be smarter than us! Maybe we just dont know it!! :-)

It's amazing how many men - and women - can use commas and ellipses correctly.

Then, you, get, Kathyae...

NeednGrace: This is a support group for people who are in, (or have been in), sexless marriages. If sexual/intimacy rejection was, in your opinion, a major part of the disturbing marital problems you've described, then you may find that people here might care to hear what you have to say.

10 More Responses

My thoughts?

You've set the expectations really high in your mind... and high expectations can be a distraction for you.

How do you mean "And I get ---Zero arousal."? Does that mean that your body doesn't like the feeling of his touch? Or that you don't seem to get wet and excited? Or that his touches don't cause you to want to touch him? Or?

Be careful to have him go slow... VERY slow. You both may be expecting your body to react faster than it naturally will. For example... My wife can be REALLY disinterested in sex for quite awhile after we start to play and I begin to excite her... sometimes for a half hour or so... Then her body will start to react and become turned on and she then starts to show some interest. So, be sure not to go too fast... give your body some time to react.

Yes... VERY slow. I think that most of us men dramatically underestimate how long it takes our lover's body to get aroused... especially as she ages.


Forty minutes into eating her, you get this killer itch on the bridge of your nose that you ... simply ... must ... scratch. But you can't take your eyes off those dials and meters and lights, or the rpm will drop, the flaps will droop, and the 747 will stall and crash. And as you grit your teeth trying to get that bucket of bolts off the ground before you run out of runway, you need to keep your own tip up. Trapeze without a net, or pulling out porcupine spines from a tiger pup's jowls, sounds more fun than hetero sex.

@mls278, thanks a lot for that ,I think you are right, I do need to take it easy not over turn the clock on this, just allow myself to relax and not have too many expectations too soon..

@VB @ulae, OMG LMAO!! Hey I have got better ideas, I could even paint my toenails or something while he takes his time doing me!! Totally funny and hilarious!!
Seriously thanks for bringing some much needed humour in here!!

@ Ulae, I feel you, man...
My jaw gives out after about 20 minutes of oral on either gender. TMJ.

(....and probably TMI too, now that I think about it...)

Hmmmm mls, After about 8 separate marathon lovemaking sessions this weekend by about noon today I was freaking exhausted. Snuggled up with my guy on the couch watching a show we love and laugh to I was sure we were absolutely done for the weekend. My body said "DONE". 45 seconds of the right kind of touching and suddenly I was ready to go again... and again... and again. Forty minutes?? Good lord, I'm lucky if I can go for 4 minutes before having 1 or more likely a second. How do you (and she) manage for 40 minutes? More importantly, how do you not feel a hit to your ego if things aren't progressing after half an hour? Goodness.

Vaguestbaby: My wife is on HRT and if she goes off of that is post-menopause... but with many symptoms to deal with. Everyone seemed to have jumped to the conclusion that I give her oral for a long time. That's generally not the case. I play between her legs with my wet fingers... until her body starts to flow lots of juices and open up for more... and then I start to rub my wet fingertips back and forth over her ****... until she is almost at the point of *******. To get her to that point can take a half hour or more.

Changewilldoyougood: When my wife and I make love it takes her a long time to become excited... and really wet. And then to make her *** takes a lot of direct heavy stimulation right on the head of her ****. Our real struggle is that after she **** her energy level drops like a rock... and that can result in her becoming relaxed and sleepy with me still fully turned on and wanting to ***. I've been working on NOT letting myself feel hurt by that. I'd like it to be different for us... but for right now, it's not... so I make the best of it.

I see. I can imagine that would be very difficult though... a lot of energy input for a payoff that ends up backfiring against your own pleasure, so to speak. I don't have any solutions for you. I just know I've always been this way so perhaps she is and has always been that way. For better or worse... my ex-husband would say my sex drive is worse than your wife's but that's because he was a refuser. I guess it just depends on your pov.

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This may ping-pong around a bit. By 2005 I had no lust for my wife. But she is good at playing mindfuck games. In 2008--2009 she had bad shoulder and back aches of unknown provenance. So she would take off her clothes and ask me for massages most evenings. I would gladly comply, sort of like how a good vet enjoys giving relief to his patients---just collecting good karma for the afterlife. I would do a very good job of the massage, eliciting more moans than ever before, and then just go away. I would feel no arousal at all, just bitterness with the past. In a month or two, it was clear I wasn't going to bite, and the aches and pains went away, never to return, without any medication or other medical attention. Shortly thereafter, she suggested we adopt a baby because her marriage was too empty without one. (I was determined not to propagate my genes.) I told her it's pretty normal to want a baby, adopted or otherwise, but warned her that would not fix the marriage.

It's probably all of those reasons. I think the real reason, though, is that you don't really feel any emotion or anything heart-felt from him. Yes, he is going through all of the motions but is he there emotionally while giving a massage or kissing you. I'd bet it's more intellectual than emotional.

Funny, exactly what I told my wife.

@VB "Let me do myself. At least I'm into me". This is soo funny because I have Actually made this comment to him!!

@smithy ((((((((Uma))))))))) I think you'll have a hard time finding that "on" switch. you may be past it at this point---your body cn tell if/when your partner is *truly* "in" to what's going on ->I think you are right, I maybe past that point..I am going to try nevertheless.

--or just conducting an exercise to be good enough for govt work..
-->LOL too funny!!

@VB I am LMAO at your comments!!

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I'm wondering if the barriers you have, intellectual and otherwise, and the fact that you effectively have a goal from the massage (to feel sensual or aroused) - is precluding you from any feeling.

How about enjoying the massage without any expectations, and focus on your physical feelings. Trust your body a bit more than your mind.

Incidentally, are you aware of research which indicates some women can be physically aroused without being consciously aware of it, and also the Rosemary Basson model which include a reactive desire for sex in some women?

Thanks a lot for that lead. This was easily my best answer. I actually went ahead and researched the whole human sexuality thing as a result of this comment. In fact when we went to the couples therapist, he actually gave us an assignment along the same lines. I am feeling much more hopeful now, I think things are progressing in the right direction.. thanks a lot..

"I am trying hard to feel attracted to him.. How do I do that?"
It sound like you have gone past that marker where you have been so shutdown that you didn't notice that you had lost the intimate desire for him. This comes as a big shock I think to people. I never noticed passing it myself but I did.

I don't think it will matter anymore what hoops of fire he jumps through, you will never have the faith and belief that things are real. You will always be waiting for the next last time.

There is an old saying that says be careful what you wish for because sometimes you might get it.

I think your man may have started to genuinely try to turn the corner and get himself together, But for you it is probably now XX years too late and you have already experienced so much crap you just can't see past it anymore.

Either that or the guy is a master head game player and is doing this to make sure he paints you into the bad guy box and nails the lid shut.

I feel for you. Just try and be objective.

It's not really making love if they're just doing it to stop you leaving them is it?? The game's up for him and you can see through it - it's just too late x

It is extremely hard for me to understand how a husband could not have a healthy sex drive... I am in the opposite situation with my wife and can relate to your frustration... At least he has made an effort "for the right reason or not" to try and satisfy you... Maybe there is a underlying reason for his un-natural lack of desire to have sex. Have him get his Testosterone levels checked... To days environment and stress levels are causing men as young as there 20's to have low T- levels (like the levels of an 80 year old man). He could have been suffering from this for most of your marriage. It doesn’t sound like he is emotionally withdrawn from you. If his levels are low a Naturopathathic MD can write a R X to begin T- therapy and have him wanting it and performing like a 20 yr old in no time. Maybe not the type of answer you are looking for.... But low T. Causes symptoms just like you have described.

What ever happens I hope happiness and Satisfaction find you!!!

I think it may be resentment .. At least that is what I am dealing with .. And I have not let go of it.. Which I know is really hurting me.

For me, it was fear of being hurt ... all over again. The trust in my spouse was absolutely destroyed, and so now the last thing I wanted was sexual intimacy with him, and so, I left.

The why doesa not matter anymore. He is now paying the price for his actions. Problem for him is the bill is far larger than he expected and beyond his means of payment.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

I agree, and unless he does something drastic, out of the world this time in the next 3 1/2 weeks.. he is not going to make it this time..

he should have been there for me, should have protected me, allowed me to be a woman, and he didnt

gypsy... i can relate to so well to the above sentence

<p>You list 5 potential reasons "why" you are getting nothing out of his 'trying' attempts.</p><p>Any one of them (or other unlisted ones) could be right - yet NONE of them matter.</p><p>His agenda of schooling you over the journey thus far to not expect intimate connection from him has succeeded. It has succeeded beyond his wildest expectations. </p><p>This was probably NOT his intent, but refusers who dabble in this manipulative behaviour rarely realise what a powerful weapon it is. They think they can control it. Truth is, they can't. The time comes when the bill for the manipulative refusing arrives.</p><p>That time would be now.</p><p>Tread your own path.</p>

I cannot agree enough with Bazzar's comment. How amazingly convenient that he is now doing all of this wonderful touching now that you don't have a positive response for it. I'd say he knows you quite well.

Thanks a lot Bazzar for shedding that light, I am thinking about what you are saying, I just never thought about it like that..

My experience is that arousal became entangled with wanting (needing) to be wanted and desired. I just didn't believe my ex did anymore. Once I reconnected with normal people again, I realised that I was right to feel like that. It's very different to have sex with someone who actually wants to f#ck you compared to sex with someone who simply doesn't want you to go.

With real luck, there can even be love, caring, intimacy...

As you can possibly guess, I'm not going back.

Yes. Yes. Yes.
The first time I had sex with someone who had normal desires again after 10 years of trying hard to make it with an asexual....It just WORKED.
My STBX never desired me, and was disgusted with my sexual response.
She tried to hide that, but she's not a good actress.

Making love with someone who is doing so in order to avoid losing you is NOT a turn on, as Ttree says. It is like saying to someone: "ell me you love me" and getting the dutiful response "I love you". Somehow, it just doesn't cut it . . . .

@thetree @hylierandom @enna30, I completely agree with you..I cant wait to get back in the general population and hang out with normal people..In 3 1/2 weeks, normal people here I come!!

hi dont feel let down just be yourself try out doing things little different rather than doing same things in same way ... just try out something different could be anything that could spice up

Thanks for that, we havent really even started to have a real sex life..spicing it up would probably be the next stage..

I think you should ask "why" rather than "how", and that'll be your answer too.

I know I am trying to bypass that,. I think I will get most of my answers within the next 4 weeks..