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I Told Her How I Felt And Still Nothing

I sat my wife down and told her we have to talk. I told her i'm miserable and i understand she's tired all the time. I told her i would relieve as much burden while she's going for her masters degree. I told her i need her, i need our connection. She responded saying "you need more booty". I told her it's not just that, getting booty means nothing, i want to feel wanted. I want to hear her say she wants me, in a sexual way. Not i want you to take out the trash or pick up the milk. A simple text message telling me how much you want me is enough. I told her if shes too tired for sex that night, tell me that you'll rok my world tomorrow. She said she didn't want to lie about sex the next day because she doesn't know how she'll feel that day.

There is nothing wrong with me physically or financially. The problem is that her priority in life no longer includes me. How could any marriage survive this torment. Women can't hold more then five priorities in their life. The house, the Son, the Daughter, Work and last her huband. Struggling to stay on the priority list. Little does he know that anything she deems more important than you will knock you right off. In my case, it's currently school. She's going for her masters now so that means another couple of years of school and another couple of years of sex every couple of weeks.

I don't want anything in life but happy healthy kids and to make love with my wife. How can women just ignore their husbands needs. I told her i was horny and she just said owe (also known as to bad for you). Before marriage it was sex if the wind blow on use, before kids it was sex at the mention of procreation, after kids it's sex when she feels life it.

I don't want to cheat on my wife, but my uncle told me when i got engaged. "You better find a mistress now". I didn't know what he meant until now. I love my wife and my beautiful family. My kids are fantastic and i love them so much. But if some girl in the same situation said let's meet and **** eachothers brains out every now and then. Then return to our lives no questions asked. How could i turn that down.

Even after i told my wife that i want to hear her say she wants me, i still hear nothing. What if i get caught cheating, then i would throw away everything i have now. It would be all my fault because i couldn't keep my **** in my pants. I don't know how long i can take this misery.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Sexually frustrated in Southjersey
Eastandunderstand Eastandunderstand 26-30, M 11 Responses Dec 13, 2012

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I agree with many of the comments below, so won't re-state them. Two things come to mind, as one who is also in a non-sex/intimacy marriage and has been for nearly 40 years (that ends in 2013, I'm done living this way.) First, is there any chance the two of you could go for counseling? There is a LOT at stake here, so you don't want to walk away without exploring how you MIGHT make things better for both of you. And second, she does sound stressed/tired. Maybe a long weekend away, just the two of you, someplace with a spa for her to feel pampered (do a couple's massage) and rest (breakfest in bed) and relax. No pressure, no lots of things to do, just quality couple's time. Maybe she could relax and unwind enough for you to reconnect sexually. Might be money well spent in both cases. God bless and good luck!

i have found, jmo

Men need/want sex to feel loved

Women need to feel Loved to have sex

what a misconception - but it certainly fits in with a bunch of stereotypes.

If you read many stories here you will find there are some women who need sex as confirmation of being loved, as confirmation for their sense of self worth even.

You will find that there are men who just need a casual hug in passing, a cup of coffee delivered to the desk, some small gestures to feel loved.

All my first wife wanted from me was sex - not money, not love. Asked by a friend in common why she stayed with me and yet subjected me to such abusive behaviour she replied "because he's a good ****". Oh gee, thanks.

Jade, there is a lot more gender equality in those attitudes you expressed than you would dream of. It goes any which way.

great to know. thanks for sharing. :)
as for setting up prioitys i heard a great quote today

Fit your life into your dreams
not
Fit yur dreams into your life

"Women can't hold more then five priorities in their life. ...How can women just ignore their husbands needs." Sorry, not women, it is about your wife...

dunno I hold more than 5 priorities because I have to--and my family comes first. health next job third.

it's not the number of priorities; it's the relative importance of each in the pecking order.

you'd do well to read widely here, think carefully about *your* priorities, and then do some research before re-addressing your wife in another serious conversation. if she seems receptive, great: but let her actions (or lack of actions) tell you the truth.

good luck.

If your missus is not interested in sex do what i do''DO IT YOURSELF''Its like cards if youve got a good hand you dont need a partner.

yea but that only works for so long :(

I've seen your stories before. I have to wonder why you list HOUSE as her top priority. Is it? I personally just don't get this. No way should a house be more important than a person. Not even if you're undergoing a full renovation. Family first...(that includes spouse).

And heck yeah, she may be worn ragged, but that's just not on.

People with a ****** up priority list? I see that all the time. People who let their favourite tv program run their life and schedule, people who let their favourite computer game ruin their marriage, people who are so houseproud that they basically want to deny their spouse to cross the threshold, ... betting on horses, drinking at the pub, hunting and fishing, whatever.

People make up these lists in their head on whatever criteria, and then they act on them.
I was married once to a woman for whom the people who were closest were at the very bottom of the list, anything but anything else was more important to take care of. It was like being married to a vampire. Her mother gave her a great role model to follow.
My list is exactly the other way around, so, as you can imagine, that relationship was extremely unsatisfactory for me.
#1: me and myself, survival, health, spiritual and ethical concerns
#2: my partner
#3 my friends
#4b my family (no kids)
#4a the roof over my head not falling down
#6 neighbours
#7 strangers
#8... material things & whatever
#9 people I wouldn't **** on if they were on fire

And if you study that, you would wonder about #1: yes, I have dumped friends over ethical questions and would do so with a spouse under certain circumstances (would not even consider hooking up with a fundamentalist or a devout muslim for instance, I find them morally and ethically repugnant).
I checked out of my first marriage because of too many wtf moments, connected to exactly that kind of constellation. HER list had strangers at #1 and brother at ~ #21, father at #22 and husband at #23

Mr. East's wife obviously has a very different ranking of priorities from his, or yours, or mine.
One can only hope that he can manage to rattle her cage to the point where she will pay attention. I won't be holding my breath.

I am sorry you are going through that and I can understand how frustrating that could be. But I have a question for you , you said that your wife is in school does she also works a full time job. Its very difficult to try to balance work , school and home. Do you offer her support like helping with the kids, doing laundry , preparing meals? My husband feels as you do, he feels that all my attention goes to work and school, what I explained to him if he was more supportive and made life easier for me I would be less tired and more willing to make love. I did not make the decision to go back to school alone we both talked about it and agreed. I work full time for a very demanding company that sets high expectations, I usually get home late around 7 pm and i travel everyday about an hour to go to work. i also work as an intern once a week and I am taking two classes. Most of the time nothing is done in the house, dishes, laundry, a home cook meal because my husband feels like its not his job to do, so he expects me to do all of this plus everything else which is not fair. My advise to you would be Ask her if she needs your help with anything try to be as supportive as you can. School is only for a short time and it will benefit the family once she is done. Hang in there

No! Absolutely,definitely no! There is no reason on this earth for a spouse to come in dead last to all the other stuff that happens in life. If SHE cannot make the time to be a sensual person to her husband then there is danger,the marriage will end as she knows it. BTW,I am woman in a sexless marriage. I do hold down a full time job,clean my house and when I got my Master degrees,I still wanted sex. This marriage is in a state of crisis. You do not make if then deals in a marriage.....ever. Hell have the sex first and then clean the same house together. The dirt stays there but your husband may not.

thank you so much for your comment. life is a huge challenge every day. But you pick what is important and make time for it. You do not look at your mate and say... you make my life easier and i will reward you with sex. that is simply bulll ****.

I can sympathise if your spouse never lifts a finger in the house, yet you work and go to school and do everything, you may not want sex... but that is because you are being taken advantage of in terms of what is expected of you vs. the other person in the relationship, and it's not just sex that's the problem. There's a deep communication and sharing issue there.

if there is lacking sex, it is not about the sex. something else is going on and until you figure that out, no sex

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This reeks to me of power (hers) and manipulation. As Baz says, she appears to think she has all the cards, and you appear to think you have none.

Remind me exactly why you are proposing to bankroll her through study while she is not prepared to help you, even though she is now aware you are miserable? What do you want out of a real marriage?

You are at a high risk for divorce, most likely because you will get desperate, or have an affair. And you will be in a worse position if you've paid all that money to fund her through study, and she has no job.

Start to look after yourself, including knowing what your baselines are - and that means going to see a lawyer right now.

At the end, when I was really desperate, I did know that the status quo was not going to continue. I did not really know what I would do, other than it was potentially - anything. And actually, that's quite liberating, and they do not know what you will do either - that tends to focus their minds, although it's usually way to late to recover - if you think about it, you've given her the opportunity to take action now and she's not taking it. Which gives you an unpleasant answer.

I'm thinking of doing my masters soon - and this had me thinking 'Jeez, I won't have to give up sex will I?' Well, obviously not. Because it's a high priority for me. It's just an excuse and you know it. Next move is your choice isn't it? And don't think you don't have a choice, you do!! xx

Going back to school is as valid an excuse as hair washing. Not to browbeat the point, but universities, med schools, nursing colleges, etc. aren't exactly renowned for being monasteries/convents.

It would not be all your fault...
But this sort of misery will take the heart right out of you.
...She knows her schedule better than you...you could try scheduling sex.
...It's a box to tick off...

She reckons she is holding all the cards.

You have fulfilled your role as ***** donor, and are now surplus to requirements (bar financially I imagine). But you aren't going to leave on account of the kids / finances so you just have to suck it up. Those are her cards.

You, conversely, probably figure that you haven't got any cards.

That is both incorrect, yet also correct.

You hold the joker. If you are prepared to leave (not bluff, but be prepared to leave) then you hold the trump card. If you are not prepared to leave then essentially you are right about having no cards. A card you ain't prepared to use is a card you don't have.

Note, I am NOT suggesting you pack and leave. What I am suggesting is that you indulge in a bit of hypothesis. How long do you figure you can tolerate this state of affairs ?
Are you running to a timetable of when she finishes her degree, hoping that at that time you will sneak back in to her top 5 ? Most likely a job will slot into #5 replacing the degree
What are you prepared to do if this situation remains the same after another 2 years ?
How about after another 5 ?
10 ?
How about 15 ?

What would be your tolerance level ? What would have to happen (or not happen) for this to become a deal breaker ?

Tread your own path.

This is just it right? The fact that you aren't even IN the top 5 now should speak volumes to you. Her position and choice is valid and your reaction is YOUR choice.

Brilliant. Making that projection into the future, both for the material and the spiritual/emotional ramifications is *such* a valuable exercise.