Moving On......... Truly Moving On

Some of my friends have been telling me that I still hanker after my S2BX.....and I've been deny it.

After all, I've been living on my own for nine months, only seen her three times (in court) and not in the last couple of months or the next three.

Then it hit me what was in my head. An astonishment that someone I had been with for 28 years could act with such viciousness and hate, and the feeling I wanted to prove myself that I wasn't the stereotyped male violent foul mouthed idle drunk/alcoholic she'd described me as to all and sundry.
I'd sat thinking of things I could do to get my own back.........

I'm allowed in my house on Mondays and Tuesdays....should I walk in on the outlaw family having Christmas lunch........

I hadn't walked away had I.....not in my mind. I was still being hooked playing her game. I hadn't walked away. My thoughts unsettled me.

I learnt in here ages ago about the 'no contact' rule for dealing with p/a people and have been enforcing it in the physical world but not in my head.

So no, I won't be confronting anyone....and as soon as I thought that, I relaxed. The Med here I come.

And by not even mentioning updates on my divorce at all, unless perhaps asked, then perhaps my friends will see me as a single person. I feel that way anyway.

It's said "Never explain. Your enemies won't believe you, and your friends don't need it."

I just posted a picture of something I came across, called the grief cycle. I posted it on my own page. I am in the re-organising stage about to arrow out of the circle.
Nestpa Nestpa
66-70, M
3 Responses Dec 14, 2012

Major surgery leaves scars. You can follow every bit of medical advice to reduce the pain, but there will still be pain. As time passes, it gradually recedes - but it recedes faster if you take mindful precautions as advised by your doctor.

My first knee replacement in 2005 recovered very quickly (for a knee replacement!) because I conscientiously did everything the surgeon told me to do. Physiotherapy was the best aid to pain reduction. Seven years later, I still get the odd twinge - and I know that I need to exercise it (the knee) more to reduce the ache. The pain has crept back because I have failed to be mindful . . . .

I guess the analogy is this:
Be mindful of the fact that the pain DOES creep in, even years later. Exorcise it in whatever way works best for you. Becoming fully aware of how your Ex has still got her hooks into your mind is a GREAT way to begin that mindfulness.

And the thought of you joyfully cycling to the Pub with your pony tail flowing out behind you fills me with great joy!! I envisage your Ex accidentally passing you in the car, and shuddering deeply as she sees how your life has "gone to pieces" since you left her!!!!!!
There should be a lot more of that type of "going to pieces" IMO!!!!! {{{hugs}}}

DC, I guess like any escapees from abuse, we carry the scars awhile in our own heads. Until we can let them go.

A couple of things that have helped me, I suspect you are already well on the way in your own fashion and you don't need any help - was converting feelings from anger to annoyance (a la CBT), and being gentle with myself, because I know now that it will Never Happen Again. It's taken me a couple of years though. And it's helped me a lot to have posted here too (post-SLF) - because it ensures I'm vigilant, and because helping others helps ourselves.

Like +++++++++++

It is torment isn't it....bit like Job and his boils. But we get on with it, don't we, and if we've been there before, it's no great hardship. It's the opposite of hardship. If all these reversals had not happened, I would not have experienced trailer life full time and the right time as I retire energetically.
I ain't going back to brick and mortar. What mowing lawns, paying council tax? No fear, I'm forcabarets every night, swimming pool, cycling along the seawall to the pub .....holidays. It takes little money to be rich.....

The first cut was deep. I always said "Is my back hurting your knife?" Haha

And I always had very short hair. No 1 cut....swimming days. My outward expression or independence is I haven't cut my hair since March. I'm determined to have a ponytail....'cos beneath every pony tail is an a***ole.

I'll watch out for the flying bottles. might catch 'em if they're full.