Post

I Thought 'soulmates' Trancends All That Physical Stuff...

Well, that was the line my wife gave me a couple of weeks ago.

A friend of mine said a relationship with no intimacy or sex is a/companionship or b/ just friendship. I think they are right.

I asked my wife for a divorce due to the lack of sex/intimacy/affection about 9 months ago...she then said she would go to councelling to save the marriage. This, after 6 years of me asking her to go and at least talk with someone and she never did...and 6 years of me trying litterally everything in the book to get her interested, show me love (she says she loves me deeply though) and help us to both have a 'normal' marriage.

We've been together nearly ten years. Nearly 25% of my life. I just don't know if I can take it any longer...nothing has changed, and I now seriously doubt it will.

Divorced at 41 and starting afresh scares me. A lot. But it may well be worth the risk. I need to be happy and not the ball of stress and frustration that I am.
AllOverRover AllOverRover 41-45, M 12 Responses Dec 14, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

There are several things that scare me as I weigh my options. The thought of being divorced at 38 and starting fresh is not one of them. I know I have a lot to offer and I'm excited about the idea of finding someone who can appreciate me.

I sense you're teetering on the edge of the precipice, full of the fear of the unknown - and often magnifying it.

If I can reflect from my experience in the rear view mirror, grasping the nettle is a sight better than lying in a bed of them. And, by taking practical, "little" steps e.g. seeing a lawyer etc, you can overcome that.

If you don't act, you may find, as I did, that the desperation eventually outweighs the fear, which, if you think about it, maximises the pain and wasted time.

FWIW, I think your "soulmate" is a POS for coming out with that guilt-trip line. People who care for each other are vitally concerned when their partner has an important unmet need, even if it's not one that's important to them. Soulmate my @rse.

Folks, thank you all, so very, very much. In this day & age it's lovely to read supportive comments and wise words. This is my first time on EP and I am heartened by the experience. Thanks again; you've given me additional strength.

If the relationship is a "Soulmate" situation, then one of the spouses is most assuredly not on EP in this group.

You are on EP. You are in this group.

See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how divorcing the self declared Soulmate will shake out for you. From that information you can make an informed choice.

I rather think your missus is her own Soulmate, I doubt you are even in the frame.

Tread your own path.

I am in the nether-land between marriage and divorce. I have timetables and milestones set, and a divorce attorney waiting in the wings. My self esteem was completely destroyed by my sexless marriage, and being rejected as a husband, as a man, and as a human being.
I have since learned that there are a number of women who do not find this 48 year old man to be the troll that I believed I was. I have even had some very positive comments come my way! If I do decide to divorce my wife I at least know I am not a troll, and that I could well wind up happier and sexually fulfilled. There is hope, even in the depths of the darkness.
Peace,
DB2

When a spouse refuses to do anything at all to heal the rifts in the marriage UNTIL facing the prospect of imminent divorce, the actions taken are NOT about becoming a fully functionalsexually intimate partner. Unfortunately the actions (in this case, going to counselling) are a last minute scramble to keep you from going out the door.

Trust your own instincts and do what is right for YOU. She has had plenty of chances to address the issue over the last six years, but preferred to leave you swinging in the breeze.

BTW, my partner and I both left our sexless marriages at age 57 and have now beeen together going on thre years. It is the best possible relationship. Age does NOT need to define your quality of life. . . . .

future 1: xx number of years from now, embittered, angry, regret-filled and tremendously woeful at the damage inflicted on your kids for staying.


future 2: xx number of years from now, went thru a small rough patch getting out. then readjusted to your new reality. modeled healthy relationship & life skills for your kids. found satisfaction passion and a measure of happiness far greater than you'd thought you could from a great many aspects of life.

me? I choose future 2.

be brave.

I cannot "like" this enough!!!

"Divorced at 41 and starting afresh scares me." The time is running fast... It will be worst and more scary... You are in your prime, let yourself to be free...

I'm scared too but I decided I have to set an example for my children. I would be heartbroken if they ended up in a relationship with no affection because I taught them that it was normal.

It scares me too. I have been debating on getting a divorce for over a year at this point. I still question my decision and have not fully made it.

Good luck, I hope you find happiness.

It scares me too, but it scares me less than the prospect of that empty loneliness I had a lot of the time in my marriage continuing for the rest of my life.

Stand strong for your needs. You cannot expect anyone else to if you will not.

Yes, change is scary but here is the thing to consider.....

If you leave and start afresh you have a chance at happiness, at finding a fabulously intimate and loving relationship. If you stay, well you know what that looks like and what in reality are the chances of ever having what you want. I am 47 and have been with my STB ex since I was 17 but I get that I absolutely deserve better than what he is offering me.

Life is short and we all deserve happiness, even your wife. She is not the woman for you and you are not the man for her. If you choose to take this step you could well transform both your lives.