The Talk I Wish We Had A Long Time Ago - Listen Up, Young Lovers

A few nights ago, my STBX and I were about to watch a favorite show together (Yes, Baz we haven't officially separated, but we have separate love lives.) He asked me how my current lover felt about using condoms, etc. My STBX had a hard time remaining erect with a condom.

Before I continue, I should note that part of the reason my my STBX is my STBX is that he tends to overshare personal information. We get along well and I have to be very careful about what I say to him, but I did say that most men have this problem to varying degrees.  He has to find out what works for him and his lady-love. The internet has a plethora of condom and birth control lore.  I avoided oversharing back to him.

Then, he said I seemed angry years ago when he could not get erect sometimes when we used to try to do it. I don't recall ever being mean. I try not to be mean when I'm frisky. As a matter of fact, when I'm frisky, I'm more kittenish than cougar-like. I've always understood that a lot of factors go into erectile dysfunction. And I remembered even in my 20s suggesting he see a doctor about this. FYI, there was a time I could not physically have sex because of an imperforate hymen, not for the lack of trying. I had gone to a psychologist who advised me to see a doctor to see if the pain wasn't in my head, but physical - and he was right. FYI, I actually saw a doctor at a clinic meant specifically for men's sexual health - LOL. I suspect some of the other patients thought I went in for a sex change. What a hoot. But I digress, this is an example of the fact that I'm open-minded. I had asked him to see a doctor, he refused I think because he thought it was an insult.

In any case, this recent conversation was a tense one. It was hard for him to be open and continue, but I asked if that's why he started not wanting to have sex with me at all. He said that was part of it. He had also been worried that I would want to leave him and that made him less horny. I understood that. The beginning of our marriage was rocky because I didn't really want to get married because my parents' long marriage was such a bad example. So, my STBX would try anything to prevent me from leaving him. He didn't want me to look for jobs in other towns or states even if it would've benefited us to get up and move. Of course, he was allowed to this.  He didn't like if I went out with friends, but he did this.  Hard to believe that I'm an ardent feminist, isn't it?  Well, I put up with this because I loved him and I didn't like him to be sad.  He didn't physically harm me, but he used emotional manipulation to limit my freedom.  

In any case, he overshared that he still has problems with his current partner.  I guess I'm the "sex guru" to him now.  I said he needs to see a doctor.  He's got the whole "metabolic syndrome" profile that has a bad impact on erection.  I also asked what he likes to do most with her.  He really prefers to do other things with her than sex.  She's definitely hornier than he is (again, his overshare).  She's very much the initiator.  But despite his oversharing, I think I got through to him when I said that it's ok to be a man who isn't that into sex, but he needs to find a partner who's more similar to him.  There's nothing wrong with it.  Not everyone has to be like Bill Clinton. I also said that if she's that much into sex and he isn't, there could be problems down the line.  No - will be problems.  So, I hope I'm saving my STBX and his lady-love a future of misery, but I doubt it.  If she's the horny lass he claims her to be and he still lacks ardor, she'll be posting on here in no time.  

I doubt if we would've ever had this talk early in our marriage. Back then, I thought I was "unreasonably horny" and that the best marriage is one where you still love each other and don't need to have sex.  I was pretty clueless that my need for sex was vital for my happiness.  He was clueless that pretending to want to have sex at some point is not the same as actually wanting sex and initiating it.   If both of us had clues, we would've agreed that we were not right for each other and gone our separate ways.  Of course, we wouldn't have created a wonderful child . . . .Still . . .

So, be honest about what your needs are.  Whether you're a horndog or not.  It's not bad either way unless something physical is preventing you from having sex that you actually want to have.  If you don't want to have sex, find someone with similar interest.  Don't pretend to be someone you're not.  This is the rest of your life we're talking about.

Part of the reason why I didn't check this content as being inappropriate for people under 18 is that it's not prurient & I doubt many people under 18 are reading this.  

However, people under 18 SHOULD read this.  The teen years are the time when we realize what level of sexuality we require.  Acknowledge and seek out partners who are truly simpatico.  Find out not just from them, delve into their sexual histories or lack of.  

sweetbutterbiscuit sweetbutterbiscuit
41-45, F
9 Responses Dec 14, 2012

Doing it for the next generation - Good stuff!
I needed your advice when I was about 25.... only problem is you were only about 5 LOL.

Not a problem at all. I had my first ED Consulting business when I was 5. I traded marbles for advice.

He needs to cut all flour products, soda and juice.
Diabetes may weigh in as well and the nerve damage can be at fault.

If he wants to be sexual again, he should go vegetarian until he gets his mojo back. Only THEN slip cheese meats and sweets back in. Maybe never if he's damaged himself bad enough.

You're a good friend helping him out when the conversation is so awkward.

Exactly! ED, is usually a symptom of a larger problem with more damaging consequences. I would go so far as to say not to add any cheese, meats or sweets back i. In my STBX's case, he's also not particularly interest in sex, probably part of the reason why he never sought treatment. He wasn't planning on ever doing it, so it didn't bother him until now that he has a horny honey. However, in the case of a younger man I had a fling with, the man was extremely horny which made his frustration over ED all that more poignant. He was in good shape, but suffered from high cholesterol and high blood pressure (probably genetic). Even if a man has low desire, ED should be checked out because of other health issues associated with it.

The penis is like the canary in the mind signals danger!!!!!
The ED may be the least of their concerns!!!!!!!!!

You're absolutely right!

Dear Sweet...well said.
I wish we had been given more to think about than simply the "birds and the bees " information...Having been told about the problems and pitfalls we face later on in a long term relationship could have prepared us for what lies ahead. At least we would have had a chance to do our reasearch and act sooner when things start to go wrong. Unfortunately, like most things, we don't feel the need to know about the things we don't imagine we will face.
It's ironic that your husband can now talk to you about his problems when it's all too late. I guess, now he feels that he has nothing to lose.

Painofshame..It's is surprisingly easy to emasculate a man suffering from ED with simple words and actions.Even initiating sex can be taken offensively. Men become overly sensitive to anything when they realise that their body is now betraying them..
Many will prefer to suffer in silence,shut down and go without sex completely, than discuss the issue and seek help.It's like they don't want the condition to be comfirmed because if it's not diagnosed, it's not really happening.Ed would be devastating to the man , much moreso, than to the woman who is suffering as a consequence.
The thing is ....the woman cannot fix it, no matter how hard she tries.....the man is the only one who can make a difference...and thinking that if they ignore it , it will just go away will not be good enough.

With the high rates of ED problems in younger and younger men,i am stunned that the health organisations haven't jumped on this and put warnings about the likelyhood of erection problems developing( which are sometimes perminant) from the use of tobacco, alcohol and medications made necessary from poor diet and lack of exercise. If death doesn't scare them , maybe this will...

It is pretty scary. I think that a lot of environmental factors are leading to ED in men. If it's a problem for a man, it's best to have a doctor look into it rather than suffer in silence. I put up with heavy periods for the past few years thinking that "that's just the way it is" rather than asking my doctor if there was something I could do about it. With ED, there are so many options nowadays, men should take advantage of them.

exactly...their first step is the hardest, fight the fear and find some help.

Being impotent places men under EXTREME psychological pressure to perform. When the man cannot perform, he either retreats from sex or projects blame elsewhere.

There is a misconception that men can instantly grow erect at the snap of a finger. Men need to be aroused and stimulated. If the woman denigrates and shames the man for not being able to get an erection, that stuff get internalized by the man. If she gets angry because he cannot sexually satisfy her, well that stuff gets internalized by the man quite deeply.

Asking the man to go to the doctor to get treated for E.D. s one thing, it's the way you ask or in some cases nag or demand the man go to the doctor for E.D. that causes resistance.

"You need to see the doctor, you can't get it up, somethings wrong down there!" That type of statement only drives men away and pushes the problem deeper into their minds.

Doing a bit of research and providing the man with some logical health related evidence goes a long way. Men with E.D. usually have an underlying medical condition that goes untreated. It's all how the woman presents the need and information for the man to see his doctor is what counts. If the woman presents the information in a condescending, shaming, or emotionally charged way, the man will ignore it.

You would be surprised at the way women can shame men without realize they are doing it. If there is one thing men hate more than anything else, it is being shamed and belittled by women for their sexual performance and needs.

Men's egos are not as fragile as many women believe.

In my case, my wife shamed me for not being able to get it up, metaphorically castrating me (ball busting) over and over. After I went to the doctor for an unrelated ailment, I found out I had high blood pressure which in turn was a direct cause of my E.D.

I was really angry with my wife for her shaming treatment of me. We went to couples counseling and that was a really jagged pill for my wife to swallow. Her behavior and actions had been pushing me away. We were really close to divorce at that point.

Our relationship evolved for the better, but I will never tolerate her shaming techniques of me ever again.

very interesting perspective. Thanks for sharing. I think that I have definitely had some shaming behavior toward my husband but this didn't come until the last few years. Before any physical challenges set in, he never had any interest. I blamed myself for years so there wasn't any blaming or shaming going on. I think over the years, I became so rejected and hurt because no matter what I tried, nothing changed between us. My shaming started as a result of complete frustration and for lack of a better approach. Enough is enough. It wouldn't have mattered how I approached it. The marriage was over the minute it started. That's why I'm leaving. Nonetheless, you still make a valid point, I'm just not sure I could have handled it differently given our history....and like I said had I treated it with kid gloves, it still wouldn't have mattered. call me bitter if you like.

No one likes to be shamed for not being able to physically "get it up." However, suggesting that a man go to a doctor isn't shaming. All I said was, "Why don't you see a doctor about this?" After all, I had gone to the doctor to fix my problem with my so-called "frigidity." My husband was well aware that I had a physical sexual problem before I met him and I got treated Not only that, I went to a frickin' men's sexual health clinic to get treated (I read their advertisement in the paper and admired their proactive approach to sex and asked if they'd work with a female. They got a kick out of having me there). Imagine, little female me sitting in an office full of men, their mouths agape when I went into the exam room.

I'm sorry that your wife "busted your balls" over this. However, if this happens more than once, I would advise men to swallow their pride and see a doctor. Besides impotence, high blood pressure is dangerous in so many other ways (I had drug-induced high blood pressure and it's nasty). Take care of your health first and then figure out how to handle your wife's nasty personality.

I had a fling with a man younger than me who had a major problem with ED. He was very horny, but no matter how he tried, he couldn't get it up. He had to take Viagra an hour before we did the deed. I felt really bad for him and I wouldn't have minded seeing him again, but he felt so ashamed.

My STBX finally realized that his ED physical problem due to "metabolic syndrome." He's working on his health to reduce the factors that cause ED and has a lady-love in his life. He's not had a huge desire for sex, ED or otherwise. That's not a problem unless he has a partner with a much bigger sex drive (I think his partner is hornier than he is, from what he tells me).

Nutmeg99 - Don't put yourself in a knot! We all learn as we go along. Now you have knowledge to use in your next relationship. Only the best!

Well thats my life. My bf is 51yrs and Im 35yrs and he hasnt really engage in alot of sex. We have hard times even 2 get started. He gets upset wit me but is it really my fault?

Thank you for sharing, it has really good information and advise. I would also add that the human sex drive can change in individuals over the course of one's life.

That's true about sex drive changing. It's important to gauge your interests and be honest with your needs throughout your marriage/partnership.

I'm going to interject here with a reference: If you are feeling changes and one partner is having difficulty adjusting, consult Dr. Marty Klein's book "Sexual Intelligence" - it puts things in focus and is a good humorous read.

Wish I could have this talk even now with STBX!!! Wow they really are clueless, aren't they! And I also note the simplicity of reasoning for what they put us through - they really, really are just that self-conscious/a$$hole-ish that they would put our pain ahead of theirs - rather see us suffer & squirm than simply go to the damn doctor!!! Or call it a day!

I'll never get over it.

" I was pretty clueless that my need for sex was vital for my happiness. He was clueless that pretending to want to have sex at some point is not the same as actually wanting sex and initiating it. "
Except for that "he" bit, there's me and my STBX. I'm impressed by how un-rancorous this is...but then again my wife wouldn't let me open the marriage to try and save it.

<p>&nbsp;<p><p><p>"Be honest"</p><p>That is usually the first hurdle that refusive persons fall at.<br />
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"Not calling the refuser out on their bullshit there and then"<br />
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That is usually the first hurdle the refused falls at.<br />
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Tread your own path.</p><p></p>

"Not calling the refuser out on their bullshit there and then"

Let's hope that people can spot the BS sooner and have the courage to call the refuser out and make a decision before getting into an emotional and financial commitment to a partner.