Hey Group

Hey I joined this group because I too live in a sexless situation. I'm not married however, but I might as well be cause I too feel the same you all feel. My situation is a little or maybe a lot to some people. I've been living with my girlfriend for 2 years on and off. I'm a believer of not making a relationship all about sex, more mental and more activities and romance. However, in this relationship I feel like she holds the key and controls when we have sex. It's like I have to prove things to her constantly before she can feel comfortable taking it there with me. In the beginning I had to prove it wasn't all about sex cause I was highly sexual. The thing was so was she but because I wasn't acting like this innocent thing I was too much for her. Her idea was she wanted to bring my freak out not me already coming forth freaky. So I had to tone down my sex/freak meter so she can feel comfortable. Then it was I'm not showing her I'm all in. Then it's she's not used to being with girls like me and how she's unhappy with her life now and how she wants to go back to her old life and questioning if she wasn't going through things if she would be with me and still telling me that the house i clean, cook, sleep and take care of her in isn't my home. So now I'm feeling like I'm trying so hard in this relationship without any gain or pay-offs. Even though I'm not married, I can relate. Here recently because she has a son (another reason we don't have sex) we were finally in the house alone and I suggested some x-rated action and she was down for it and we were even drinking wine, however, she got on the phone with her aunt and spoke for a long time and then got on the phone thereafter with her cousin. Mind you I had to go to work the next day. After it hit midnight I gently reminded her that it was getting late. She kept on saying "5 more minutes" which I feel she makes me wait like that constantly and me being the patient one I wait. Then finally she tells her cousin she had to go and her cousin I felt snapped saying she doesn't give a F and that she only gets to talk to her once a month and I'm like that's great but we don't have a sex life. Then my girl tells her that we're not sexually active and they both go "ooh" ... "Yeah" but in a you know what it is way. Anyways they hang up and as we going upstairs she drops the rain check on me and I was like I could have been in bed by now if that was the case. Upstairs she made a comment that still hurts me, it made me feel so less than. "When you show me that you're here for life then I'll consider it, till then family first" I just said ok and laid down to go to sleep and dwelled on how she wasted my time and not only that but also made me feel like I was no one to her. And these kind of situation happens constantly with us when she wants to have control but then makes herself sound good making comments on how she's trying to grow in the relationship. So, I definitely don't see a orgasmic relationship between us right now.
Aqua8601 Aqua8601
26-30, F
5 Responses Dec 15, 2012

if you think it might work in future then ok but dude honestly i am different tell her in a nice way talk with her just saying i dont see this relation ship working how ever it might. talk with her 2 to 3 times if does not works leave her enjoy life . there is some one more respectable and kind and true one. you young poeple often make mistake.

This is a dysfunctional and emotionally abusive relationship. As soon as you leave it, you'll realize that. Leave or put your foot down so that she can't play you like she does.

You can argue it round and round forever. But what you've described isn't working for you, and yes, I suspect it sounds familiar to many of us here, although mine was a slower and more vague drift. What you've described is dysfunctional and you're unhappy with the relationship. You're *allowed* to be unhappy with your relationship (especially if you've got a half-way decent reason to be - and sounds like you do). Basically, you're not happy, you've got decent reason: it either changes drastically (and that's got to be real, within time limits and not just promises) or you leave. <br />
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Or you can just put up with it...

From your post, and replies to comments, you are putting way more work into justifying why you ought stay rather than working on reclaiming your life by leaving.

The direction you focus your efforts inevitably points to where your future goes.

So, you're staying.

Until this becomes completely untenable. Boy oh boy, it will sure be a bigger mess to untangle then, compared to now.

Tread your own path.

Hey back to you.

You're not so different except for a couple of things.

You're not married. And your on/off living arrangements makes me think you aren't too financially entangled with this gal. And being lesbian you don't have to worry about getting pregnant and getting stuck in a lifetime with her. So in many ways you're in a much better position than many of us (but not all). However, you are emotionally entangled.

This girl is constantly moving the goal posts on you, isn't she? This is classic behaviour. Of course a relationship isn't ALL about sex. But when sex is used as tool to control or to shame and sex is withheld as a punishment, then it's a big part of what's wrong with your relationship - either at the core or a symptom of dysfunctionality.

Sadly my advice is not what you'd probably like to hear. I think you should break free before you do become financially entangled. We aren't meant to be life partners with everyone we love.

Good luck!

Thanks for your response, However, I wasnt expecting a response so fast, i was just editing my post thinking no one read it yet lol. To your response, I agree with everything except for one thing, I am financially and emotionally entangled with her. I do feel like she withholds sex from me and she does it more when she's unhappy about something I have no clue about and when her sadness of her life kicks in and she's not in the mood anymore. I feel like I can't catch a break, there's always problems and issues where to her it feels like I'm not all in this relationship and no matter what I do she doesn't see it differently. It's like what someone in this one show said "you do ten good things, it goes unnoticed, but once you do one bad thing, it's the end of the world" that's how I feel in this relationship and it's like I get a punch in the stomach when I try and try and when I try to get us somewhat sexually active she uses it against me and tells me she wants to connect on a mental level, but then switches it up and play around with my words to get in her pants. It's misleading and confusing. In the beginning when she used to make sexual comments to hint that she wanted to go there and I would take action she would reject me or hit me with the "rain check". Now what I do when she makes sexual comments I just ignore it cause I know she doesn't really want to and I'm not looking to feel like an idiot anymore. I feel like right now since she's going through life altering situations it makes it hard to go there with her cause either she'll go through thoughts of this is not what I'm used to or something else in her mind. I have given up pretty much on trying to be sexually active with her and just don't want to anymore.

Also to be honest your advice on leaving already crossed my mind and I'm still in contemptation mode. I don't know what to. Months ago I have been putting myself on waiting lists for apartments, I do have a place where they have bunches of apartments ready, but when I went to go see it, it was a pile of dump. Now I'm like I can deal with that as long as I don't have to deal with this, but the two problems with me moving are 1. She's depressed and going through emotional, mental and physical situations and if I leave it'll look like I don't care about her or all she's done for me and how ungrateful I am. 2. I don't have a vehicle, I'm currently working to save up for a junk car pretty much just so when I move I can drive from place to place.