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Does Everyone Just Love Your Refusing Spouse?

They do mine. My family gone so far as to say that if I ever get divorced, it's my fault, and that I'd be losing something wonderful. He's the guy that always has the answer, that people call if they need help, and that is generally just plain amiable. He knows this, and relishes in it.

So why don't I like him too?

I wish that just refusing sex was as bad as the relationship got. He's quite skilled in psychological warfare. Sometimes I catch myself agreeing to things I shouldn't agree too, or feeling forced into something. Win-Lose arguments. You probably know the type.

I used to be strong.

One day, I will leave. Then everyone else in my life will hate me, because they think he's just perfect.

ThatsJustMarvelous ThatsJustMarvelous 31-35, F 18 Responses Dec 16, 2012

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yes! my husband is the all around loveable guy and of course I'm the difficult one in the relationship. I used to think the same thing...that if we ever divorced everyone would blame me etc. Then I decided only I had to live my life and people could think what they wanted. We eventually separated and went to counseling. Surprisingly, the therapist saw my point of view and gave him some in depth work. Of course, he never really did the work. Then we found out I was pregnant. He moved back in and we are now accountable to a wonderful son. Things still aren't great, but I've had to weigh the pros/cons of our life together. I've decided that the passionless part is sad but not worth the drama. Everything else in our life is great. Moral of my story? If you're not happy, get out or make it better before you're accountable to more than yourself.

I don't think that family should stick together no matter what but on the other hand I do respect people who have the intellectual maturity and simple good sense to at least look at both sides of the coin before they flip it. Why do people assume they know what is what when they can't be familiar with all the facts about a situation? Is it even necessary to take sides, especially if you find yourself as piggy in the middle?

It may well prove that when it comes to the ultimate crunch moment that hubby's façade cracks. It's dammed difficult to keep up that sort of charade, no matter how experienced and skilled you are at it.

your husband is the real fraud in this relationship! someone who withholds affection is actually damaging another human being...making them feel unnecessary and cold inside...

u deserve more in a relationship...you will be the winner when you walk out on this first class loser...and by that time, Mr. Perfect won't have the 'perfect' response...and he will be left looking like the fool for letting you go...just do it on your terms and don't involve another man...its time for you to be happy")...GOOD LUCK!

well said......"someone who withholds affection is actually damaging another human being...making them feel unnecessary and cold inside"

you're welcome!

Victims of Verbal Abuse Speak Out...

Buy the book, and it will validate your experience of being with a manipulative charmer who treats you like dirt....and everyone thinks he's ever so wonderful.

I know this one. I went to a party at my sister's and my ex has become friends with some of her friends. They just went on and on about how great he is.....and they just LOVE him.

Now, I have become friends with my ex at this point but it still needled me that these clueless idiots were droning on about my abusive nightmare as some kind of charming sweet heart. They have NO idea.

LIke I said, we have made peace. BUT, these people were just out of line. One guy was going on about my ex's new girlfriend and how much money she makes and how wonderful....It was WEIRD. It was as if he was trying to provoke a reaction out of me. Both me and my ex talk very positively to each other about our new relationships, and express support for the other moving on, I have zero problem with my ex's girlfriend or the fact he is in a happy relationship. But, I do have a problem with clueless idiots who have zero idea about what happened in our relationship waxing on and on and on about the subject. The fact is that they don't know him at all.

Forget what your family or anyone else thinks of your spouse. It is YOU who has to live with him and the reality of your marriage.

I know it is hard, but in the end, are you staying for yourself or your family? I was in a similar situation, and maybe I was even a perpetrator for a while - the relationship ended with a great deal of hurt and pain for me. But, now I have a rule that I impose on myself - listen to your feelings - you alone are responsible for your happiness - there is something you can do about it. Good luck - you will receive true love you deserve.

I THOUGHT everyone liked my ex. But after we split up ... I was a bit surprised that 100% of my friends and my family were supportive of me, and a few people made polite but negative comments about the ex. "He wasn't exactly a barrel of laughs" was a typical comment. His own friends probably had a different opinion.

Chai07, i got a similar reaction from family and friends. And so it was interesting..We are divorced, and my ex is still nvolved with my family. i simply let that go,..his doing that takes nothing from me.

Hmmmm lightbulb moment ... my late mother liked him. That should have been the biggest red flag of all.

Read up on "Narcissistic Personality". I'm betting your husband is given as an example - lol. Gibby San and others who mention this are exactly right.

I did--and it does sound just like him. A link is below for anyone reading this in a similar situation.

http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Living_With_a_Narcissist

They thought the Ship Titanic was perfect and unsinkable oops it did. Extentialist.

Have you tried living alone without him? If you are starting to hate him it's a time for seeing a lawyer. You have a life and it's not him. How about a separation and he pays for it? Start yesterday. Extentialist.

My story is similar, only difference is, I also think that she is perfect after having multiple kids and how much she cares for them. Hard to not admire that.

I suggest you read SweetGreen's story "This is Tragic". You may recognize some things, and you may find some of your experiences highlighted in the discussion of that story.

You are not alone in what you are experiencing.

If they like the goof so much let them live with him because they only see the candy coated outside that he's putting on for public consumption. That's a problem that many people face in sexless marriages because no one sees the behavior that goes on behind closed doors. But you know and that's the deal breaker. You will almost surely get the Bad Guy T-Shirt but guess what it's worth it. Once you get free and clear and start living the way you want again you'll find that breathing clean air again untainted by the crap you've been putting up with is just worth being the villain. So start gathering yourself for the jump and make your plan and pack that parachute. It's time to hit the silk and say Hasta La Vista *******.

I used to have those thoughts. That's why I wouldn't leave him when I began thinking about doing so 3 years ago. I was too caught up in what others would think. I made the decision t o leave him a few weeks ago, and I have begun to disclose this to a select group of close friends and very specific, trusted family members, I am actually amazed....not at the obvious support but specifically about my family....suddenly they feel comfortable telling me that they have always sensed the tension and stress we exibited. So many people that are as close to us, view us as the perfect couple...esp my H....he is the same as the way you describe your spouse...the go to guy....the one everyone can count on. So, I guess it's those closest to you that may actual surprise you. And Baz is right....the others will be talking about something else the second you leave the room.

Oh same here. he's generous (with everyone else), great with kids (always playing "best uncle"), listens, helps out, etc.

But he's stingy with me, with time and money, can't seem to put the kids future ahead of his own selfish immediate needs (must buy more junk over the internet!), can't hear a word that I say if it involves anything to do with our personal lives (sex, finances, planning a future, taking a vacation, etc), and will avoid helping if I ask for it at all costs.

That said, I'm fairly sure my parents would be even more supportive of me if I let the truth out of what's been going on. But I don't know about your parents. Your parents may be, unfortunately, just that blind or selfish or messed up to not understand that not everyone is what they 'present'. Sadly, that is just reality. If they are like that, you still should NOT live your life to please THEM. You only get ONE LIFE.

Start putting people around you who are there for YOU. And start living for YOU.

"only" affection and sex? Please, please rethink that qualifier. Wait, unless your tongue is firmly planted in your cheek.

It's not other people who have to be happy with him, it's you!

When a person is manipulative, they have two sides to themselves. The false self - that 'wonderful' part of themselves that they show to the outside world and to you whilst you're dating.
And their 'true self' (their authentic self) you see at home behind 'close doors' when they are not 'faking' it.
My marriage almost broke down by a manipulative women related to my husband's past. Both my husband and daughter were fooled by her because she was so nice and so wonderful.
Except me, because I can 'read' her like an open book but I ended up becoming the 'bad guy', with my own family turning against me.

I think the duality of it bothers me more than anything. Because I don't understand why I'm the only person that sees this. I don't understand how someone can split that much, and why I never see the other side, and vice versa.

You over-rate other peoples judgements upon your choices, and in several ways.

1 - most people do not stay awake thinking about you and your marriage
2 - those that have opinions about your marriage (other than your closest supportive friends) have only a superficial knowledge of your situation and are basing their uninformed opinion on a lack of facts. That renders such opinions irrelevant.
3 - those that have opinions about your marriage (other than your closest supportive friends) have forgotten about you and your marriage as soon as you walked out of the room, and said people are then far more engrossed in who will win Australian Idol.
4 - in the event of a marital collapse, yep, you might get the title "bad guy" and he might get the title "good guy". No-one will remember which brand they applied to you (or him) within 12 months.

To cut to the chase, I believe you are placing way to much emphasis on what you think people will think.

They don't think about you anywhere near as much as you think they do, their opinions are ephemeral and replaced by the 'next thing' that pops into their heads. Their opinions are irrelevant to you (bar that handful of close and supportive friends).

They are certainly not a valid reason for you not excercising your obligation of informed choice.

Tread your own path.

Yes, I had a similar experience. Everyone generally likes my ex, she's smart, funny, amiable and relaxed, an excellent companion. Just that's as far as it goes. No intimacy, no sex and any attempt to discuss the matter was *strenuously* discouraged (i.e. would mean a pitched battle with shouting, crying, begging and days of turmoil). Avoid the issue and you lived in benign, 'pleasant', but emotionally deadening, peace. So, if no-one knows about the personal bits of your love-life (which isn't generally a topic of conversation), she comes across as an ideal wife. It took me years to realise that I was being manipulated and that I had no choice but to leave (I haven't yet received my 'bad guy' tee-shirt - I'm guessing it's in the mail...)