Odd Switch

So, I was watching some tv with lovergirl. I got up, had a drink of water, and sat back down. Suddenly, I know I was a different person - a switch went off in my head, and I felt what I can only gather is some closure over my marriage. Like there was some pain I was hanging onto, that pain that was the last remaining tie to my marriage, and suddenly it was gone. I literally feel like a new person - not in any kind of liberated way, but I feel reconnected with my own self, no longer a reaction to what happened. The main thing I feel is calm.

In part I think it is because my life has stabilized - I will have my own place in a few weeks, I am working as a research assistant, taking a full load of grad school classes and doing very well. I don't feel like I'm reaching for branches to level myself, I just feel like I'm standing on my own feet. It feels good, but at the same time, it is not some wild happy feeling. Just content. Just closure.

Here's hoping it sticks.
FilteringMachine FilteringMachine
31-35, M
3 Responses Dec 16, 2012

I do to hope it sticks, it's always good to hear that you have peace and are happy.

Your story reminded me of this story from what feels like eons ago:


I think chronologically you are about as far "out" as I was at that point too.

I went back and reread it and reread all the comments. Thank you for spurring on that recollection through this story. Sometime during the holidays when I'm off for a couple of weeks and have a day to just have some "me time" I think I'm going to go back and reread every one of my stories from start to finish. There's much to be remembered and relearned from our own experiences and even revisiting previous growth, even if it is simply to reflect how far we have come.

Thank you.

Yeah, it is an odd calm, like I've never experienced before. It has allowed me to begin to genuinely reflect, to actually "sit with my pain" now that it is bearable enough that sitting with it is more like sitting down with a friend you are disappointed in, rather than sitting down with a nuclear bomb. Now I'm able to remember things that hurt, say "ouch" and feel for a while, then move on. Feels very...right.

Is this the same lover that thinks a long term non sexual relationship is the height of romance?? I think I need an update.

haha, was. Fortunately, she is a fast learner.

I wish you all the best Filter. In my opinion, entrenched beliefs do not fade away just like that. I hope both of you had a good heart to heart about expectations regarding sexual intimacy so there is a clear understanding about what you both are comfortable with. In short I hope you are both being your authentic selves.

Yeah, it is possible that she is modifying herself to be with me, but I've been very plain about it, to me sexual intimacy is so important that I cannot be in a relationship without it, etc...in all honesty, after a nervous start, she wants more sex than I do...I used to think I was really really into sex...when really, I was just focused on what I wanted but was not getting. Now, it seems more like I'm content to have it a few 2-3 times a week - but I was so conditioned by my ex to not take initiative, that lovergirl complained to me, saying "seems like I'm the one to initiate most the time..." Really got me thinking about how much we are behaviorally affected by refusing spouses, now I'm having to unlearn that behavior.