Awkward Emergency

So last night after reading responses on my post, my girlfriend shouts my name from upstairs. After a week she finally gives in to going to the hospital. I drive her and being that I kept my distance from the night before when we had a debate it was so awkward being near. All I could think about were the post on here. I couldn't even bring myself to be worried if she's ok and how severe she is. Now I feel like a horrible partner.
Aqua8601 Aqua8601
26-30, F
5 Responses Dec 16, 2012

Yes -zsuzsilowinger- you nailed how I feel into words I couldn't put it in. That is exactly how I feel. I have put my life on hold for her unknowingly, it just happened that way. And what I'm frustrated with is the fact that she does so much for me and puts herself out there to then guilt trip me for being depressed about something or not being there for her when she thinks I should. And the intimate part, her excuse is she's going through a lot and she wants to give me the best her and also she doesn't feel like we have that connection and she wants to connect mentally. She's always telling me how she wants a companionship and I'm like I do as well but with the intimacy as well. I want to feel her body, touch her body, kiss her, rub her, etc. In the beginning I saw a few red flags, like her telling me she was gonna be celibate WHILE BEING WITH ME! In my head I was like I know I didn't move from one state to the next for a celibate relationship. Then it was the way I was touching her that she didn't like cause I was "too" affectionate. She's gotten better with that but I still get uncomfortable touching her the way I want out of fear of her reacting. Even when I was home and she comes back home from somewhere I would jump up like a happy girl happy to see her, but she wanted me to "chill" and not jump up like that. So I deal with all sorts of excuses that I have to accept cause I'm supposed to be selfless towards her till SHE gets better and feel happier in HER life. Anything I have a problem with or anything I feel is neglected cause I should be happy about all that she's done and happy of things I've accomplished with "her" help (There's nothing I've accomplished that I couldn't do myself, you chose to do it for me out of supposedly helpless nature, but now I can't feel a certain way, act a certain way, be depressed about anything cause I should be grateful for all that you've done. So, I have to sit her like a sitting duck telling myself not to feel sad, not to be depressed, not feel a certain way about what she does and says. I definitely can't wait to show all of me to someone that will appreciate it and takes it for what it's worth and accept my flaws and not judge them. I can't wait for that.

Ah. Now I understand. I do know where you are coming from - have been in your exact shoes - chronically ill spouse, refuses to go to doctors forever, etc - been there done that for a decade.

Yes, you WILL stop caring when you get burnt out realizing how much they are playing you, and how they would never, ever do the same for you in your time of need. WHY are you playing mommy again?

"I had to drive her there" - no, no you didn't and you don't. You did it because you are a caring person, even to people who don't deserve your attention. You cannot believe that this person who is supposed to be the love of your life is using you in such a manner, so you keep giving and giving until you stumble on this website and realize just how little they give in return, how little you ever will get back.

I've spent thousands of dollars on my EX's medical needs - psychologist appointments, medications, assessments - hundreds of hours with them in emergency, at doctors, in specialist's offices - ten years later, burnt out, realizing I'll still never get any straight answers on sex or finances or the future, realizing they value my needs not at all, I've separated.

You are relatively free to leave, in comparison, no kids, etc., don't wait 10 years, don't become a full-time carer to an increasingly disabled EX with no motivation for improvement, don't give up all your dreams to deal with their b&llsh*t....

Did you meet your spouse when they were ill? Or was it a gradual increasing health decline? See, I could probably deal with someone's health decline while I'm with them cause I would take very good care of them. But with her I met her and from day one she had all these medical and emotional issues which I find unfair to me, but me being a caring person to someone hurting I wanted to take care of her and be there for. I find that hard to do when I don't know a thing about her and the only person I seem know is the past her she used to be that I may never meet. I expressed to her that I envied her ex's because they got to witness that person she tells me she used to be and that person she wants to be again. Also I'm fighting a war with her ex's, her past, etc that makes it so hard to be there in my way. I'm glad it's not just me feeling this way.

My spouse's illness was minor compared to what it is now. And it's not the illness I couldn't deal with. It's the fact that it's been used as a constant excuse to not be intimate, to put "us" last ... it took me years to figure out that while he was "too tired/sore" etc to be with ME or do anything about what was important to ME/US, he was never too tired to help out friends, play with kids, or do anything else HE deemed important.

Save your energy to take care of someone who you actually DO know and who loves you BACK. Your current girlfriend can tell you all the stories she wants, doesn't make her that person - if she ever was that person (oh, I got those stories too! now realize it's pretty much bs).

My EX also had a very bad upbringing, emotional abuse, witness to physical abuse, moved around constantly, illness in childhood, etc.

All that to say, it's ok to be a caregiver, it's ok to be a friend, but you should not tie your future to someone who cannot ever give back to you. You WILL break down, you WILL burn out. It may take a year, or ten, but the longer you stay, the more you tie your future to theirs, the harder it is to get YOURSELF back! The harder it is to pick up and move on and become that caring person again.

I'm also feeling like what's the point? I'm not getting and pay-offs. All I get is how I don't do this, how I don't act like this, how I don't know that. Her past and her issues are driving me crazy. Today, I come home from work and I didn't get a "hey baby, how r u, how was ur day at work?" She is so insensitive and can never let herself to drop her guard to be sensitive towardse cause to her it'll feel like she's a punk if she shows concern for me. Today as I was walking home I was thinking to myself the fine line I'm walking on. I can't seem to pick a side where it won't jeopardize my personality and integrity. I wanna leave but if I leave I'm the insensitive one, the selfish one, the ungrateful one. She has taught me things, got me where I am today, she helped go to school, learn how to drive and even paid for my classes, which resulted in me getting a license. She introduced me to the college she goes to so I can go there, she provided a roof over my head, food, she would get me things and I know blah blah blah, but that makes it hard for me to leave cause I pride myself in not being ungrateful and I tell myself well maybe I should show it and be more appreciative. But then the other side is more depressed and miserable, feeling like I'm in a parent/child relationship, being judged and never feeling like I'm accepted or never feeling like I can do anything right. So I'm battling that line and I wanna swirve off and pick a clear direction, but not sure what road I should take, so I'm stuck in myself which makes me depressed, which makes me distant and anti-social. But it definitely feels good to hear someone else validate how I feel. Definitely.

Ok, sorry all. I was very short this morning cause I was going to work. What I was saying after I read responses on here, she shouted my name from upstairs to go to the hospital cause her neck was really bothering her. It has been bothering her for a week now and I have been telling her to go to the hospital, but she didn't want to. Finally last night she gave in and I had to drive her there, she could barely move her neck. What I was also saying is that it was a awkward moment for me to be there cause a few days ago we were having a debate on something and I have been distant from her ever since. So me in the emergency room with her was uncomfortable and awkward cause we still weren't talking to each other. I just didn't know or had anything to say. I couldn't even bring myself to be worried cause all I kept thinking of was the things I was reading on this site. So I felt like a horrible person/partner.

A little more detail would help here. Was she hospitalised for her depression? Did she react badly to something you told her? We are happy to helpif we can but we need to know a bit more before we can comment sensibly.

Question: are you worried she'll read responses to this story? I mean, I do have a lot to say in response, but I'm not going to jeapordize your position.