Life With A Non-refuserAfter years of waiting and begging for my STBX to be straight with me, to tell me what he really wants, to deal with his problems without me forcing him (not that it ever worked), I realize I am totally unaccustomed to dealing with a normal person.
As I've said before, my passive aggressive STBX not only refused sex, he refused to be a grown up. He refused to be honest with me. He refused to work on the relationship. Somehow, even though I was the one scrambling to fix things, I was also always the one at fault for our problems. He ALWAYS refused to take responsibility, though he could talk a good game. His position on our marriage was, "This is what I can offer. Take it or leave it."
Suddenly I am dating a new person, Señor Spanish Sex God, who is amazing and passionate and much younger than me. This past week he suddenly freaked out about the growing seriousness of our relationship, which started as a torrid fling but quickly turned into falling in love and spending tons of time together, meeting each other's friends, talking about the future, etc. SSSG is also on the mend from an ugly divorce from a total nutcase a year or so ago, and I'm his first real girlfriend since. I totally get it. I am a million percent sympathetic to the rocky recovery from divorce.
On some level I just expected that once he had this freak out, I'd never actually learn why. That he wouldn't tell me, or that he'd refuse to be up front about it, or that he wouldn't communicate what he wants with me and I'd be the one to have to do all the work figuring out how to proceed. I expected he'd run away because it was "too much" for him and he wouldn't be able to deal. In other words, I expected him to behave just like my STBX. I was almost resigned to this as an inevitable outcome.
However, that is NOT at all what happened. SSSG and I had a great talk about our feelings, fears, needs, desires----he even had a little piece of paper with notes in his wallet so he wouldn't forget anything!!! So instead of trying to avoid or deny the issue, or blame it on me, he had thought it through and was prepared and anxious to discuss it (In fact he said he freaked out because he loves me even more than he realized)! To listen to what I want and figure out how we could work TOGETHER on a solution. Wait, what??? So THIS is how a non-refuser acts??? Incredible.
Suffice it to say, both of us are still very in love but both need space to deal with our feelings and get the rest of our lives onto a more solid footing. So that's what we're going to do. See each other a couple times a week, be really sensitive to the other's needs and vulnerabilities, and see where it leads. If one of us is too down or freaking out to have a date, then we will postpone. Just one step at a time with BOTH people taking responsibility for the outcome.
After this talk, we spent a a couple nights together, went to a professional event of mine and a holiday party thrown by one of his colleagues. We had lots of sex and laughter and fun and were both so relieved that we are on the same page. It was wonderful and delicious.
I don't know what's going to happen, or what either of us is truly ready for at this point. But what I DO know is that I'm not in this alone.
What a contrast!!!!