Life With A Non-refuser

After years of waiting and begging for my STBX to be straight with me, to tell me what he really wants, to deal with his problems without me forcing him (not that it ever worked), I realize I am totally unaccustomed to dealing with a normal person.

As I've said before, my passive aggressive STBX not only refused sex, he refused to be a grown up. He refused to be honest with me. He refused to work on the relationship. Somehow, even though I was the one scrambling to fix things, I was also always the one at fault for our problems. He ALWAYS refused to take responsibility, though he could talk a good game. His position on our marriage was, "This is what I can offer. Take it or leave it."

Suddenly I am dating a new person, Señor Spanish Sex God, who is amazing and passionate and much younger than me. This past week he suddenly freaked out about the growing seriousness of our relationship, which started as a torrid fling but quickly turned into falling in love and spending tons of time together, meeting each other's friends, talking about the future, etc. SSSG is also on the mend from an ugly divorce from a total nutcase a year or so ago, and I'm his first real girlfriend since. I totally get it. I am a million percent sympathetic to the rocky recovery from divorce.

On some level I just expected that once he had this freak out, I'd never actually learn why. That he wouldn't tell me, or that he'd refuse to be up front about it, or that he wouldn't communicate what he wants with me and I'd be the one to have to do all the work figuring out how to proceed. I expected he'd run away because it was "too much" for him and he wouldn't be able to deal. In other words, I expected him to behave just like my STBX. I was almost resigned to this as an inevitable outcome.

However, that is NOT at all what happened. SSSG and I had a great talk about our feelings, fears, needs, desires----he even had a little piece of paper with notes in his wallet so he wouldn't forget anything!!! So instead of trying to avoid or deny the issue, or blame it on me, he had thought it through and was prepared and anxious to discuss it (In fact he said he freaked out because he loves me even more than he realized)! To listen to what I want and figure out how we could work TOGETHER on a solution. Wait, what??? So THIS is how a non-refuser acts??? Incredible.

Suffice it to say, both of us are still very in love but both need space to deal with our feelings and get the rest of our lives onto a more solid footing. So that's what we're going to do. See each other a couple times a week, be really sensitive to the other's needs and vulnerabilities, and see where it leads. If one of us is too down or freaking out to have a date, then we will postpone. Just one step at a time with BOTH people taking responsibility for the outcome.

After this talk, we spent a a couple nights together, went to a professional event of mine and a holiday party thrown by one of his colleagues. We had lots of sex and laughter and fun and were both so relieved that we are on the same page. It was wonderful and delicious.

I don't know what's going to happen, or what either of us is truly ready for at this point. But what I DO know is that I'm not in this alone.

What a contrast!!!!

nyartgal nyartgal
36-40, F
10 Responses Dec 16, 2012

WOAH! I am so thrilled and happy for you!!! It's reassuring to learn that there's life after being married to an emotional cripple. Thanks for sharing!

Hahahahaha "There's life after being married to an emotional cripple." LMAO!

This morning I woke up and there were flowers and good chocolate in my mailbox!!!



Thanks N:

"wonderful and delicious"


It is quite true that you don't know if this has got legs or not, yet.

But the differences in the relationships is something I can strongly identify with.

One is constantly "un-learning" **** from the dysfunctional situation that are useless impediments to the new situation.
Constantly learning your "new normal" of your current situation.

Can be challenging. Sooo worthwhile though.

Tread your own path.

I left a tumultuous marriage and went on a grand exodus with younger man and my two children. Have no regrets after 13 years of marriage I realize living so closely with another takes a great deal of patience and respect. We will have our set of problems to solve always.


OMG I near fainted. SSSG - you're not just making him up are you??? Wow. Gives me so much hope for the future!!!

Ha! He is real! And trust me, even better than a fantasy. Did I mention gorgeous and talented too?

Oh, he's real alright: his name is Spanish Buzz.

The magic of intimacy with someone who is able and willing to meet you at the same level and wants what you want means that conflict gets resolved in an honest and vulnerable way unlike anything we've known before in our SM.

I truly did forget that I don't have to be the only one dealing with any issues. Amazing what becomes normal...


Wow, this shows us all the power of sex!!!!

People who say sex is just sex just do not speak our language or feel our emotions.

Sex is not just the sum of its individual parts, it is so much more!


There will be a great deal of stuff to unlearn and you'll continue to be amazed for quite sometime as to how deeply the SM affected your perception of yourself, relationships and the world. Its a journey of re-discovery. Be well.

I envy you, Nyart!!! Good for you, don't ever even consider falling back into that rut again!