Does This Count?

So we are common law married and I can't remember the last time we had sex. Like literally not sure if it was a week ago or 3 months ago. I know work has been busy for both of us but that never used to be a problem before.

He won't even try anymore, he comes to bed when I am getting up for work after being up all night looking at ****. Or sometimes he comes to bed and stays up all night looking at ****. I can't remember the last time he even really looked at me with interest in his eyes.
AdorablyBroken AdorablyBroken
31-35, F
9 Responses Dec 16, 2012

Oh lol, I left about 2.5 weeks ago. Doing really well and am really happy.

Just leave if u can....this is dysfunctional....who gives a damn why or who is to blame...life is too short

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I found that having a partner who did not want me when I wanted her...made me feel dirty. I just wanted to have sex with the person I was married to...and she managed to make me feel disgusting about that...it made me feel like I was turning into my main abuser, my dad...sorry if bringing that up is too much, but I think it may be one of the worst leftovers of this farked-up marriage I've been in.

Adorable, I am not going to make any judgements about your situation. I believe you already know in your heart where your relationship with this man is;otherwise; you would not be posting in this group. Read some stories,get some clarification for yourself!

Sweetie, you know how to do that, you've had a year from hell and lived to tell the tale. Continue to be strong and confident. Your journey has just begun!

Do you know the nature of the **** that has him so fascinated? If you don't know, maybe you should try to find out and consider offering up some of what is keeping him so interested.

It's entirely possible that there is something he wants sexually but he is too shy, embarrassed or ashamed to tell you what it is.

If you can find out what he's wanting, maybe you can surprise him by giving it to him.

He likes exhibtionism ****. You know random girls flashing and walking down the street in various straights of undress.

I am not too keen on getting arrested for indecent exposure and sadly this does absolutely nothing for me, my interests lay...elsewhere.

Where do your interests lie? Is it possible that there can be a melding of them? Maybe when you're out driving somewhere, you could lift your skirt and start touching yourself. No one would have to see, but I bet he sure would.

For my wife and I, it took 20 years before I found out some of the things that really get her going. Now that I have learned so much about what turns her on, we're like a couple of teenagers again and I am SO happy that we didn't let the SM tear us apart. I always told her that our marriage was perfect, except she had no desires. Turns out, the desires were buried under culturally conceived BS.

Take what you want!!

<p>AB, you say you are an adult - and you are. So time now to act like one. This relationship appears to have been broken for seven years - don't you think it is time to realise it is NOT going to get better?</p><p>If you have read anything at all on this forum you must realise there simply are NO "magic bullet" solutions. Your comment to mvc "I sorta was hoping for some ideas" suggests you are waiting around in the vain hope a solution will pop up from nowhere . . . . AINT GONNA HAPPEN.</p><p>YOU need to plan for what you will do. You have presumably ried everything you know how to fix the relationship - and it hasn't worked. Now you need to plan the rest of your life withOUT this relationship. And YOU need to do that - no-one else can do it for you.</p>

I said I was looking for advice. I never asked anyone to fix my problem for me. I thought being a grown up meant not running away from your problems but putting on your big girl pants and facing them. A lack of sex doesn't change 7 years of being there for me when everyone else would have (and did) abandon me.

He stood by me through the worst crisis of my life. Nursed me back to health after a failed suicide attempt, held me while I cried when we lost a child at 2.5 months pregnant. He isn't a horrible person, or a bad man. We just aren't physically compatible at the moment.

Is he still pissed off at the affair you were having ? (your back stories refer)

That might explain his reticence to engage you.

And of course, even if that is "why" he is now intimacy averse to you it doesn't actually help resolve anything.

Your choices remain the same as everyone elses' here.

Tread your own path.

No he isn't angry at me. He is aware of the issues that lead to that. Including him having moved out for 2 months during which my affair started. Also I had a emotional breakdown related to a pre-existing mental illness that made having an affair with a married man seem like a good idea.

2 yrs of extensive therapy have helped a lot, and yes the affair happened during those 2 yrs but in some ways the affair was a good thing. At least for my mental health, it helped me to change.

Sounds like Coolidge Effect. (**** obsession strikes me as a method of finding "fresh mates" even though they aren't real. Evolution has not yet taken printing presses into account much less internet)

If he knew what was going on in his own head, he might be interested in fighting it, or be more comfortable accepting it and suggesting a breakup. 30? Yeah, that can make for tough hunting if that's your concern. I'd wonder how bad a new gent would be when he the bar he needs to clear is affection for you instead of a monitor.

I don't know what you mean by tough hunting or the bar he needs to clear. Can you explain please?

What I think I meant (boy, that was clear as mud, sorry.) was that while finding a new fella can be a bit challenging when you're 30, a new guy shouldn't have a problem finding you more appealing than a computer monitor.

I might also have meant that your current (recent ex?) guy should be interested in you for emotional reasons and perhaps understand that the partner will sometimes want you more than you want them at a particular instance. The generosity in such a situation should offer its own appeal.

I understand why this generosity can prove a challenge if the one partner is the one who's never amorous, but it didn't seem like that's what you're describing. It sounds like he's not even interested in your intimacy needs.

That's where Coolidge effect comes in. Telling him about its existence may motivate him to look to deeper motivations for intimate content. Affection, rather than ******.

I rambled some, but I hope that's a bit more coherent.

You are too young to stay in this situation. Keep reading, there are stories of members on here who were where you are now 10, 20, 30 years ago and only now getting out after a lifetime of regret.

If there's nothing holding you there - no kids, no mortgage - get out immediately. If there's something holding you together, get out anyways. You will never get back these wasted years.

There is a lot holding me back. Love for one and as to kids that is a very very painful subject right now so not gonna comment on it.

I am nearly 30, that doesn't make me young or a child. Its more than a little annoying when people through age out there like it means something.

I married at 29... I am now 39. I wish someone had pointed this out to me at 30.

No you are not a child. I point out you are young because you will find yourself at 39, 49, 59, 69 in the same situation or worse and wonder, where did all the years go?

AB you know where I'm at and I'm 48. You really don't want to be us. You are still young enough, don't waste it.